Some Pain never Fades...

I heard in this one movie that "...scars are the roadmap to the soul.."  It got me to thinking where would the scars of my life lead to?  Perhaps a better way to phrase it is, what destination do my scars point to?  Of course....being the man of God that I am, I can't help but say that they lead to Christ.  Each scar on my soul a reflection of the many that He bore for me and the imagery of scars providing a map to our souls intrigues me as I think of Christ, however, as for me.... I think what God desires is an honest assessment of the stark reality of this dark lonely soul.

But before I lay my own soul naked before my two readers...its much easier observing others and then taking an introspective look into myself.  There are some things my own soul will hide from me if I don't provide a backdrop by which I gauge myself.  For this reason, I shall digress for a couple of paragraphs before trying to dive into the deep waves of my unholy soul!

Currently, it seems that my life has been surrounded with people who are dealing with one sort of wound or another.  Each seems to be so unique to who they are and each respond differently than one would expect.  One cries while the another ignores while another pushes forward... each I see with a gaping wound in their soul that is bleeding and in some ways it seem that their own soul is gasping for air.

You see it right?  That person who can't trust anymore because they've been cheated on.... the other who's been abused that believes that they don't deserve better but runs back to that abuser b/c that's all they've known, or others who justify the hurt and wound with their twisted logic somehow making the offender the victim.... each a sickness running deep that continues to shape their existing condition.  Perhaps its so well hidden that they can't even see it themselves...its so deep inside of them that they have thought the person they are isn't still being dictated by these gaping wounds.

The analogy that I run to when I ponder these things is someone with a cancer, or a clot, or an infection.... each hurtful moment only creates a better environment for that sickness to grow... and it certainly does grow.  We, as people, are like House and his team trying to be the best diagnostic soul doctors.  We let the disease present itself, see if this medicine can cure it, or that medicine can heal it, and we move on trying to understand how the physiology of the soul effects the presentation of that particular disease.

Will continue later....just not at a place to bear my soul...how pathetic...I know!

A Deeper Understanding of Love...

Reading from Cries of the Heart, Ravi speaks about the different facets of love that C.S. Lewis points out...this one quote seem to remarkably point to such a deeper understanding of what love is...and the multi-facet nature of it.

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve or even suffer for, God; Appreciatve love says: "We give thanks to thee for thy great glory." Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection---if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so that never to have seen her at all"

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18, 23-24
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

"God wants us to understand not just the doctrinal fact of His love but also the emotional intensity and the reality of His love. Love is not only a word describing commitment, as vital as that is. It is also a concept that engenders feeling."

I would have to say in the very moments of each day, a reflection of my soul would show a myriad of different emotions and expressions of thought. To each, shows an outworking of my own understanding and thoughts in what I truly believe. I have battled greatly and continue to do so as I try to keep my heart open. In my most failing moments I find myself gravitating towards a desire to uplift the self in my best characteristics and to denounce that for what we had. This expression exalts myself and begets even a greater pride to exist in me. I have found this the most gratifying in the moment, but in reflection I find a greater source of pain stabbing at the core of my soul. My deeper understanding of who Christ is compels me to forego such a selfish act to truly begin to understand the heart and mind of Christ. While at the same time, to curb the hurt and ask for myown wounds to be healed. In this very delicate and daunting task, I am quite perplexed at what I should be doing. I have thought out different options to deal with each varying emotional feeling only to find that in them are only temporarily solutions that numb the hurt inside.

More and more, I have cried to God for wisdom in understanding His will. Through it, my eyes have been opened up to more than I could imagine. This doesn't mean that the battle within doesn't continue but gives hope and encouragement as to the ability He's granted me in learning to be patient. I have found more and more that love in its truest essence brings out the best of who we are as humanity. It goes beyond human rationale and capacity to write such stories and testimonies worthy of praise. I find that in today's society we are too easily pleased. We measure ourselves and one another through a mere 6 digit salary. Or it can be through the lens of physical attractiveness... It is the lie Satan has predisposed our nation to devour. It is no wonder that we live in a nation that is lost and depressed. We have allowed ourselves to be defined by such base things while God has called us to so much more. As I was reading, I was reminded that even my own selfishness is to becasted aside when I am in the presence of the Almighty God. It is through His eyes I have been able to fully understand the truest and purest form of love.

This again brings more security in the path God has laid for me. We do not look at the superficial but at the soul that beats within. It is here that a piece of eternity is given to all of humanity. Although not everyone does express Christ as their Savior, their lives have the potential to show that whether they acknowledge His sacrifice or not. I look to people such a Ghandi or even my father as examples of that. Each person in this world is fashioned by the hands of God. Each person is perfectly made with the Creator's purpose and intent. All the more I shall delight in my own existence as I realize it is the gift of life that has been poured upon me.

This is where I find love in its truest form. As we find the depths of our souls enamored at the beauty of God's creation, it is this emotional experience that dignifies the created and worships the creator.

With this understanding, how can I not like the father of the prodigal son open my arms wide in grace and love? It is in this understanding we find truly God's grace manifested in such beauty that does transcend all understanding. More and more, I find this insight to be valuable into seeing His people and realizing the true essence of life. If by His will, I am able to show others the expression of the eternal in their hearts, perhaps in this the world can be changed. The true problem is that it is often harder to see in those that you do not care so much about. However, once realized, this is truly the beauty of the cross. Often times I thought only that we were to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily as such a grueling and unpleasurable thing. It seems the burden so great, but I remember watching the Passion and watching Christ has He hugged the cross and delighted in carrying the burden. Perhaps the burden placed now is to show people who they truly are. It is arealization that in all of us who profess Christ, that as we die to ourselves, we are truly becoming more ourselves...The ironic twist of it is that we are not made of this world. We are given souls that point to another and bodies that point to this world. Too often we silence the soul and allow the body to live. We must show begin to show people how to express the eternal inside of who they are. I find that those that were able to see this were able to shake and shape the world like no other. In this, the grace so passionately sought out is made complete.

Our Clumsy Hands...

God of this City

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You are

You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

Joel 2:28-32

The Day of the LORD

28 "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions.

29 Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

30 I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke.

31 The sun will be turned to darkness
and the moon to blood
before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

32 And everyone who calls
on the name of the LORD will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance,
as the LORD has said,
among the survivors
whom the LORD calls.

There's something about the simplicity of this song that speaks volumes of the power of Christ. I remember thinking that life in itself is this idea of how humans come up with way of bringing complexity to simplicity. In a nutshell, the simple things of life become so complex when put into the hands of humans. I have found the truth of that in my own mind as it surges forth trying to answer every question within my head and understand every situation surrounding me. There is this song by Mainstay that has these lyrics "I keep on searching for the answers I don't need..." and this brought about another in my mind is that often times the depravity of my own mind asks questions that search for answers that I don't need. In the bombardment of these questions, I found my own heart getting lost in the "what ifs" and "uncertainties" of life while having such a stranglehold on my life...

However, as God has brought me out of such a place and bringing an amazing security, there are different impulses that raise up from my heart out of the depths of my soul from the Holy Spirit that revitalize me with life. In a world with such hurt and pain, our God is the God of our city...and my heart couldn't help but beat harder for Tuba City...As I reflected on the experience, and the visions that God placed on my heart to see that place won for Christ, my heart couldn't help but to send off a shout at the tips of my toes hoping that extra inch would help God hear the cry of my heart a little louder!!!

In a world with so much calamity, we can trust in a God who is the light extinguishing the darkness, the author who is writing out a redemptive story through our lives, and a father who is picking up his broken child to carry him through...this is the message that is burning like embers in the depths of my bones...Our God is able...and may He securely fix it upon my life so that I would never lose sight of this God who we can call upon His name to be saved...

And so in this, I hope to share with you the sweetness of Christ, the amazing grace that liberates our souls, and the changing power of the Holy Spirit that fills our lives. There will come a day and perhaps it in this day we must see the outpour of God's spirit...within the honesty of our souls, God comes and invades our hearts in ways that we cannot explain.

Lord, I pray that our lives would be investing in those things that would last an eternity. Burn within these hearts a desire to not just grow in maturity, but also with intimacy with your heart. May you share with us your thoughts, your visions, your purposes, and your plans so that even through broken lives, you can begin to shape this world with the transformative love of Christ. God, reclaim your kingship, right here and right now..... not my will, but your will be done.

Surrender and Trust

Rereading Old Posts...Feb 5, 2007

Surrender and Trust

These are two things I constantly struggle with in my own walk with God. I can't surrender b/c I can't trust. I think trust in itself is one that is such a delicate balance of understanding personal responsibility vs. divine sovereignty. Where is the line I draw in terms of ambition, but at the same time, not walking away feeling like I did it. Its a dependence on self and I see it all the time. I think the tell-tale signs are the habits of worrying that have developed and it provides no sense of peace when I think about the future. There are only anxiety and thoughts of what might and will happen, and predicated on those thoughts are the constant feelings of uncertainty that exist in a world that is not for certain. And so what it is that I able to hold onto is myself for in myself, I feel a sense of immediate certainty but at the same time, it is built on a foundation that is so uncertain. My own self knowledge is made of my own thinking and my own perceptions and values of how I view myself dependent on a gradient that has been shaped ever since my own birth. Whether it be parents, society, and/or inner proddings, I find myself aspiring to this greater thing that I ought to be without any thought of what God wants from me or so it seems.

In this tension I live in, and so I have to reconcile this deeper divideness in my heart, for it is this despondent cry for identity that is leaking ever so slowly into the fabric of my own daily life. This is where I need God to speak again and for myself to see who I am in light of the creator. This is why I so desperately desire to hear His voice in the quietness of my soul. There was a time where I would've yearned for that spiritual high, that feeling of no greater thing, but I have found those to be mere experiences, some lasting, but most an experience that left me unchanged. How foolish we have become to think that experiences measure the depth of our own existence. Emotions and good feelings guide are own spirituality and we wonder why we ride this roller coaster of a faith. I cannot sit here in judgement but only in confession knowing that I am oh so guilty of that sin...and to place in one step more, my own knowledge condemns me once again.

And it is here in the deeper parts of my soul that I find a longing to be with my creator. It is here in my brokeness and my desolation of hopelessness, that the creator arises and speaks truth. In his whisper, I find peace and in His vision I find ambition. Here is where the dreams are produced and life begins, and I must come here once again.

Just as that song says, when the music fades, and all is stripped away...the bustling of cars honking, the weaving inner thought colliding, and that consistent nagging that persists in wondering whether you will receive all you want.... This is where I want to be....to hear my maker, to respond to His annoucement for the life He's given me. It is here I realize that it isn't me that made me, but it is Him that gave me it all.

Perhaps what we need is not more, but less... the real truth is we have heard the sermons, the messages, prayer meetings, this and that....spiritual experience spiritualized....Christian life disected, re-disected, analyzed, scrutinized, and here we come unchanged for all the analysis and describing of what our life ought to be...we are left....so still...so unsure... so fragile. And perhaps this is part of the existence God calls us, for in this we find are own desperate need for hope, and a grace that can quench that thirst. Another voice that has been there always, wishes just to spend time and to come close, and this is what we need. It is as if we try to have all the fluff and appearance of a healthy relationship, but behind closed doors, it is but a rotting carcass of empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. We have sold ourselves out for the appearance b/c we want the easy way to it all...the quickest way to be spiritual, but yet we don't realize how this is an impossibility and we admire from afar the great stories of old. Our own imagination plays with these thoughts of being great, living for Christ, yet we don't realize that these great lives were forged in the inner depths of the daily grind, the appreciation of the seconds of each waking moment...to appreciate breath is to appreciate life and here it is where we have become so consumed in consuming....

How can it be that revival meetings....can fail??? Doesn't revival meeting connote the fact that revival exist and revival itself points to a communal change in spirit...I don't condemn the good intentions behind it, but I do ask the question to all of us, does not revival start at the cross? Divine inspiration meets its appointment on our knees in front of our maker...not in front of another good praise band or another great speaker. God has given us all we need...but yet we think we need more and this is one of the most clever concepts pulled by the devil. Here we are, 21st century Christians, who have everything they could ask for...desiring more and needing less... and so it is the fact that our faith has become so dependent on experiences and not on our relationship with God.

It is said that a preacher often preaches to himself and that is probably what I'm doing....but in it I find a truth that arises to speak to those around me...so often frustrated at the condition of self....how do we change....

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." G.K. Chesterton

Mainstay - Believe
I don't know if I still have the strength to get up again
I don't know if I can face my own reflection
Jesus, take this heart that feels
so cold again, and make it new

I hold this hope inside that you'll never leave me

When all around me starts to fall,
and when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe
Even if the sun begins to fall,
even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I'm all alone, I will believe

I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away
All I really want is for your love to hold me
Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again

I know you'll never leave me

Creating Pockets of Empathy..

Luke 13:10-14 "On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, 'Woman, you are set free from your infirmity' Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straighted up and praised God. Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue ruler said to the people, 'There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath."

Do you guys ever get the feeling that the crap you're going through right now is specifically designed for a greater purpose? Or maybe you're on the flip side, where you're wondering what all of this crap is really for? I think living in a sin-fallen world can be just plain tough. Being Christian sometimes makes that tough into a freaking pole and impales you in the behind....(sorry for being so graphic)...but that kind of tough can only be explained in such a way.

Of course, I started off with this verse from Luke and what stands out is the fact that Jesus seem to take everybody's tough situation to heart. He doesn't blow them off, or give them example of how His situation is completely more difficult, but instead, He meets with them with a heart-felt empathy that seems to be lacking so much in my life right now.

As I look into this passage, I see a man that isn't worried about his own agenda, but has eyes to see people. Jesus isn't afraid of what others think, but is more concerned about the people that need His love and help. I also see a selflessness that exudes by merely the fact that I would be much more concerned trying to teach these Pharisees how pharisaical they're being (which ironically probably didn't become a full-fledged term until ....years past) ha ha ha...*I digress* I would do a quick cost-benefit analysis and come to the realization that the quicker these hearts of the Pharisees change, the more effect it'll have on the surrounding community. Instead, Jesus looks deep into the heart of a "no-body" to hear and heal her situation. That's truly the beauty of this passage....

I come to realize that I have to let go of "my agenda." The irony is that when ministry is your calling, you think that people would be the agenda, and in many ways, they become the agenda. Instead of seeing people, you see checkmarks, you see the necessity to do what needs to be done, and so the people slowly morph into tasks and other props that are self-contained in this narcisitic world I've created so perfectly...almost like my own etch and sketch picture..

And that random thought leads me to the title of the blog....creating pockets of empathy.... I think life is so much more than just checking off the box and finishing are "to do lists..." There is a joy in really being able to interact and listen to someone with a genuineness. You learn more and life becomes so much more meaningful. I have found the dullest moments in my life have been when I'm stuck hanging out with myself and thinking of things that are so selfish.... These moments are like liter on the street just causing me to fill up with unnecessary garbage. But life was meant to live with connection and depth with those that we encounter. In it, we might find those opportunities to be Christ and to reflect love onto those that need it the most. Perhaps, other times we will find others sub-conciously doing the same, and all in all.....what we will see is the thing that we really need. This great and awesome God....who has time to come and spend time with me, and heal some of the deepest hurts of my life.

His greatest empathy comes with His greatest pain bore on the cross.... in those moments of deep separation, He understood a pain that all of humanity could never comprehend and I believe that those moments of pain gave Him the unique ability to infinitely create pockets of empathy....and so it is, that through those He loves, He will do the same work in our lives and some of the deepest pains are only moments of creating beautiful pockets of empathy that will be filled with some of the most fulfilling experiences this life can offer.

Thank you Jesus...and thank you Jason Oh for inspiring this journal..

Even Then...

Even Then The lyrics from Nicole Nordeman's Song.... It's a fear that keeps me wide awake In the middle of the night When the expectations are too great And the bar gets raised too high So I do the best with what I've got And hope that no one knows That I strain to see how high I can Try to stand on these toes Until I'm measured, but You know better So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then So I put aside the masquerade And admit that I am not okay Which may not be the thing to say But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then We raise the standard and try to reach You But we'll never make it and we don't need to ... So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then Its ok Jason....its ok....you don't have to try so hard to reach me, I am reaching for you...stop trying so hard...you don't need to, be still...and accept the fact that I accept you just as you are...that I love you just as you are, that I forgive you for all that you have done, do and will do....you don't have to pretend anymore, its ok that you're not ok... you're safe now, you can lay all your burdens here, rest awhile....I am here, don't worry about everything else that is going on, people's lives will go on without you and it'll be ok...you don't have to be everything to everybody...you just have to be Jason, you need to be who you really are, stop trying to be someone that you're not for the sake of everybody else; what this w orld needs is you jason, that's why I created you, that's why I chose you, b/c what the world needs more than anything is you to stop trying to be everybody else and for you to be you. Stop tiring yourself out...stop trying so hard, find peace in me, find yourself here....it starts here, it starts now, at the foot of the cross, seeing your own sins....your own dreadful sins....and seeing a loving Savior....don't turn your eyes, don't look away, just look beyond your shame that lies on the ground you stare at, and look at the me jason, look at how much i'm willing to do for you, look at how much i believe in you, look, i love you jason, i love you, i always have, and i always will i know you lust, i know you've made physical mistakes, i know you've hurt people, i know you've been selfish, i know you've lied, i know all that, and i still love you, i know everything, and i still love you jason, stop denying it, stop throwing excuses at my face, don't you see how much it breaks my heart? don't you see how it makes me bleed not jus from my hands and feet, but my heart bleeds for you, don't you know i'm the champion of your cause, b/c i made you for me! don't you know that you don't have to worry, i will provide stop pitying yourself, stop feeling lonely, i am here, i complete you, i am everything jason, i want to be everything jason, can't you see that....i want to be everything for you b/c i know i'm the best for you, do you believe that? don't let your previous relationships with your parents, friends, or girlfriends define who i am or what i will do...b/c i'm different jason, i understand your fears, i understand how its so hard....don't worry, i've been through it and i'm here to hold your hand! trust me jason, give it away.....choose freedom jason, choose Christ....choose me!!!!! Stop waiting for the woman to choose you and start by choosing me! You won't regret it jason.... Jason I love you...i love you...you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be something, just be...be still...just be loved...how does it feel? have you ever taken the time to let me love you? what does it feel like? do you feel the security? do you feel me? i'm here jason, don't ever forget it, but i know you will, but i will remind you 2 Peter 3:8-9 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 1 Peter 5:6-11 "Humble yourself, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing fim in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffereings. And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

Rereading Abba's Child....

Chapter 3 - The Beloved....

"When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less sersiously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and that my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy. Conscientiously "wasting" time with God enables me to speak and act from greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. It empowers me to lose myself, at least temporarily, against a greater brakground than the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
-Brennan Manning-

"Finally, I accepted my brokenness....I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what i should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again ---or at least to get to the place where I was very seldom broken.....I came to see that it was in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness tha Jesus was made setrong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. IT was in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness. It was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing, not dominating; understanding, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.
-Henri Nouwen-

Its funny how some old truths become new truths once again. Some things in life you felt like you finally began to understand and yet they seem to slip right between your fingers over time. I look back upon the past year filled with great hurt and disappointment and great encouragement and victory. It seems coupled with the hard times are moments of "God" moments that flash as a reminding encouragement that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There's this story of a man that goes to a monk out in the desert and feels that he's lost himself in his life. The monk quietly listens to the story and then brings out a jar of water. As he's bringing out the jar, the water is sloshing back and forth being disturbed. The monk sets it down in front of the man and the monk tells the man to look at the water. In it the man sees distortions of himself with no clarity as the water continues to crash against the sides. The water finally settles and the man sees his own reflection undistorted.

The monk continues to say that often times our busy lives creates the waves in the water. It provides a choppy reflection of who we are in the midst of trying to live for others. As we slowly allow our lives to settle, we finally get to see the truth of who we are, undistorted.

It is in this moment I've spent a good while staring at....only to find a great sense of disappointment overwhelm me. There's the imposter I dream of being...the one I carry out in society, the person that I want everybody to like and respect...the guy full of wisdom, confident, and passionate. But during this break as I've allowed to the water to settle, I am finally getting to see again a man that is left grasping at his own dellusions of what he desires to be. There would be a moment where this self-reflection would cause me to work harder at the fascade, must do more so I can be more....but as I understood grace, it is in these moments where I accept the man I am today and to surrender it all to Christ. For what He desires is what I want my heart to desire, and where He leads, I want to follow....