The savory desire of trust

An analogy of my heart.....
Doesn't that word savory just wet the palate of your mouth? It helps to best describe where I stand right now....I'm staring at a desert that I've eaten a thousand times that left me with sharp gut wrenching cramps that left me with goose bumps or that savory scent over yonder in the other room. What do I do? The desert is what I know, it sits right in front of me, basically seductively calling my name...come here Jason, oooh yea...I'm so tasty and sweet....

But something is different this time...a quick flash of me sitting on the porcelein god keeps me cautious to the luring attempt of the desert...but then again, it is just a quick flash so my eyes focus on the delicacies in front of me. However, as I begin to pick up my spoon, my mind is invaded again by that thought of that prayer as I'm keeled over the toilet in a cold sweat swearing to God that I will never again eat what I had eaten that night. Ahhh...the temporary pleasure so alluring, but the stark consequences bring more pain than my body can handle.

Again, I catch a wiff of something else. It is as if the scent is beckoning me to come forward. However, all I have is a scent, an uncertainty of what it is I'm smelling, but the smell is captivating. My stomach lurches forward, but my eyes look back at the desert.

My mind races thinking of what that scent could be? Will it be a delicious steak? Who's cooking it? Who's going to be over there?....ahhh the excitement...the anticipation....of perhaps a great party feast!...but then.....

Those freaking insecurities take over and the stupid questions start bombarding my head. Will there be anything left when I get there? Will I be accepted? Will I just be barging in?

My Reflections....
It is that wedding feast Jesus invites us into (Matthew 22) that is the great banquet that He has prepared for us in our lives. Sometimes we act like those that are invited...just going about our business whent the King has invited us to a wedding feast with Jesus. We find our business so much more important, and have forgotten that the king has invited us. Other times in our lives, we find ourselves to be the beggars outside getting invited to something that we don't deserve. Our brokeness and our desire to be hungry is all that matters and the banquet is a place where we can be received as we are.

I wonder what would go on in my head? If I were a beggar or a street person being invited to the King's palace for his son's wedding banquet, how would I react? Would I be paralyzed in my head wondering if I'm even worthy? Or would I sit there thinking too much into it...or maybe the anxiousness or worry of what might happen would grip me at my throat so I couldn't even breathe?

I'm not sure, but I do know that those that came were accepted. v.14 "For many are invited, but few are chosen...."

I am reminded by what Ravi Zacharias said in about 5 sermons I listened to today as I was driving. Jesus redefines our perspective on what living is. It contradicts our notions and juxtaposes our actions in light of the new perspective Christ provides.

The Fight...

2 Chronicles 7:14 "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Military Ball
It was a refreshing experience....and a surreal one. It felt like I was in a movie...all the people decked out in their military dress. I felt proud to be in the Army and as people came up and spoke, there was a deep satisfaction of being part of the institution that fights for the freedom of our country and to be in a room filled with people that have made that lifetime commitment in doing so. The sacrifices made, lives lost, families suffering....There are times when I see things that occur at my command and the recognition given to those that have made such great contributions and I wish that it existed at church as well. There's a sense that we're all in it together an that we support one another when push comes to shove.

Talk with PD
I'm at a very precarious place. I'm not just hurt and confused, but I'm beginning to assess my own situation and seeing the path its heading towards. Most of the time, I just go on my way guided by what's going on without taking an assessment of where I'm at and making necessary adjustments to ensure that the path I walk is towards Christ. As you brothers know, I think constantly and consistently....my mind races faster and it helps me to see things, but I also believe that it is my achilies heel in the way I begin to conjure up false assumptions of things that I cannot claim to be true. Often, my anxiety arises as I project a certain situation to arise...and in it, I trust my own ability to predict instead of trusting God and letting him lead. This kind of behavior leads me to make pre-emptive strikes to protect my heart against any harm and the sharper I've gotten at this, the less I've learned to trust others as I try to read them. Its actually pretty messed up. Its a great gift for counseling as you can begin to open other people's eyes into seeing the numerous benefits and consequences of making certain choices, but a hinderance as you become a self-fulfilling prophecy of your own life as your constitent predictions become the reality, because there is no room for God to operate and you effectively install yourself as God and destine your life to either the fears that rule you or the insecurities that keep you from really seeing anything but yourself....

But I digress...2 huge warnings...
1. My ability to separate my heart from myself. I guess its the idea of false-self vs. the beloved, but the fact is they both make up who I am. It is in the learning to live as the beloved does the false-self begin to fade, but at the same time, the false-self must be acknowledged or living in ignorance will provide him the ability to ambush you.
2. OBJECTIFYING...I don't see people as people...I only see them in light of me....I dunno...this one I need to dig deeper in.....

Help Me....

Jude v.20-21 "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."

These are some difficult roads ahead for me to walk along. There are so many times where my mind just wants to give up. I'm tired and weary and I'm sick of it all. I wonder if my hope is just pointless. I cannot help but feel the depths of some of the hurts of my heart and its killing me to confront them. I hate the emotions that come out and the pain that exists. God, I wish you would just take it away from me. Its been a constantsy of pain that continues to exasberate my soul.

I remember reading the book by Henri Nouwen, "Wounded Healer" and I cannot help but to wonder if this is your plan for me. The woundedness of my heart is to become the authenticity that I speak from. If that is the case, help me to get through this with flying colors. I want to honor you and glorify you with the entirety of my life. Do not allow Satan to grab a foothold in my heart or my head. It seems so easy at times to want to give up and not to follow you. It seems so alluring to just walk away.

Help me remember that I am your child. Even if I walk away, your love has marked me as your own. I cannot run away from who I am, so help me to see the beauty of the life you have prepared for me. Help me to trust in your plan and to grow closer to you as I realize that you have all things in your hands. I am but the clay and you are the potter. The plans you have set before me, help me to continue to live them out faithfully with passion for your name. I do not want to live a mediocre life, but I want to glorify you with every cell in my body. I want to experience the fullness of your glory in me and through me and I want others to experience you with such intensity and depth.

God, I need you know, cast away these emotions, and center me on you, grant me a peace that transcends understanding and a trust that cannot be shaken.

Who do I love?

Isn't that the question of today? After talking with PD, I pretty much am left at such a simplistic choice....Will I ever grow to a point where I can stop thinking about my wants, my safety, my protection in order to think about another's wants, safety and protection? How does one ever get to that point? I have tried to will myself to be there...I have tried to do things to make me get there, but each are worthy of the attempt but fall pittifully short in this arena of life.

This is from April 23, 2008...

Difficulties...

Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

God, I'm at a point where I've had enough. I'm tired of this...tired of my heart going in roller coasters. What am I suppose to do from here? Do I continue to go on? For what reason, I feel that I'm just being used. Am I just an object that spurns hope into her heart, or does she really see me for who I am. I know that right now, I am but an object....and that hurts. She doesn't see me for who I am, only for what I represent. I am an ear to listen, a person to care through this struggle that she is going through...and its this crappy feeling that it is about her and she doesn't take much consideration of me.

Should I subject myself to this? My tendency is to cut and run. I can already feel the walls closing in on my heart, the defenses are being raised, and my heart wants to grow cold.

God change my heart to learn to respond correctly to such situations or change my heart so I can walk away from all of this. Either way, I submit it to you. I'm tired....and I'm not alright God... only you can change hearts. Help me to know what to do.....

Father teaching a son to swim...

Today was one of the hardest days to keep my heart open. I guess it was a day filled a lot...work, medical appointments, took a nap in the seminary parking lot...

I got asked to be a model for Abercrombie...probably something pretty low key, but it got me to thinking how such an affirmation made me feel so confident. I'm wondering why I don't feel that same confidence in God's affirmation of me. Do I really sense it? I'm not quite sure....or am I allowing less substitutes to fill the void that God needs to fill? I don't know....

Well, I'm off to San Antonio to take some time to think, reflect, and recenter my heart with God. This personal retreat I am really excited about!

I was in the hot-tub at lifetime and right before me God spoke to me so gently. There was this asian kid of about 6 years old surrounded by the arms of his father. As I watched them interact, I could see the child trust his dad so much and his dad letting go so the boy could swim on his own. Here I could see their interaction and how their eyes were so focused on one another. In the child's eyes, I saw an innocent joy of affirmation and a twinge of fear as he was put away from the father's embrace. Then in the father, I could see the pride in his face and the love in his eyes literally flowing with more love. There was a certainty to the father that the child could pretty much make his own and there in that place was this powerful encounter of God's desire for my heart.

I see that our lives are like learning how to swim. It is not always having to be in the father's embrace, but as we grow we are allowed past our own safety nets into areas that challenge us to grow more than before. But the father is always so loving and brings us back into His arms to remind our wandering hearts of His love and then casts us out again so that we can grow a bit more...

I wonder if that is why we experience those roller coasters in life. It is that perspective of not fully understanding the truth of life that makes us feel the sensation of a roller coaster, but in the illustration God provided for me today, it is teaching me how to "live" life so that as I grow in strength and skill, God will provide me that opportunity to teach others and to share in "life."

On the flip side, it has been difficult for my heart to stay open. I don't want to trust....I'm scared of getting hurt. God help me to trust in your plan and provision for my life.

Nostalgia...

Memories are a funny thing aren't they? Its the recollection of the past that conjure up emotions of the heart. Often, the memories that come are triggered by a catalyst that starts the jpeg in your head. Sometimes the conditions have to be ideal, other times its the mind that continues to races...finding every little thing to make something out of nothing...

I remember at Basic Training I would have all the time in the world to just sit there and think. I spent a lot of it staring at the hair of Private Johnson (female type). Here, I would begin to play out the thoughts of my life. What I'm doing here, who am I, and all these other deep questions that come into your head as you are forced to confront a sense of solitude. Each of them drawing into a database of memories, of feelings and emotions....exacting a certain perception that eventually capitulates into a notion of who I see myself to be. It was interesting the thoughts that would cross my head.

It is in one of these moments that I was drawn back to yesterday. I remember the excitement I had thinking about joining the military and so I was very dedicated in working out. After my workouts, I would sit in the steamroom and just let the menthol haze fill up my longs and bring a minty refreshment to my body! Oh, each pore opening up to soak in the steam with a combination of hot and menthol scorching my body....the refreshment and as I sat there at lifetime, I remembered back on the day I was sitting in the line at the DFAC staring into the blonde hair of Private Johnson wishing I was back in the steamroom. The things I would say to myself....oh my...how fortunate I was...

Isn't it funny how life is like that? Again, after working out I took myself to the mall b/c I had to use up my BR gift certificate and as I was walking through the mall I thought to myself, "Some of my fondest memories with my mom were here....dang...she went to the mall a lot!" And, so I stopped, took a deep breathe, and allowed the scent to fill my lungs...as it filled my lungs I could sense my brain release reflecting images, feelings, and deep seeded emotions that allowed me to live in that moment for a second.

When I take a reflection on memories, I also realize that memories are so one-sided...often not a reflection of reality but more an entrance into a moment. I think about basic with fondness...almost a desire to go back, but when I was there, I enjoyed it, but there were more moments of wanting to be home than to live in that moment. The culmination of times allowed the experience to be foundation, informative, and life-changing. However, it was not a place I would want my life to exist....

Perhaps in these moments...we are building those memories that will come later to ease a deeper pain in our lives, a moment of clarity that remembers who we are in the midst of our own situation....who knows.....just random thoughts.