Feel....

Do you know that feeling where your heart is pounding and your palms get sweaty and a million thoughts are racing through your head but you can't actually catch one of them because they are going beyond the speed limit, and then it drops like a bomb, the bad news......it hits and your heart shatters into a million pieces leaving you almost numb to the actual reality of what happened.

I remember one time I got mad b/c my mom told me to lock the car door after I shut it and so I locked it and then slammed it on my finger.... the moments as my mom let out a blood-curdling scream and ran to the car to unlock it were the moments where I knew when I saw it, the pain would be amplified by every push of my heart beating..... but there was a moment where I felt no pain, the blood seem to go out of my head and my world started spinning off a different axis...

I remember this quote I thought of...."Physical pain may hurt for a moment, but emotional pain scars for a lifetime..." and this thought led to another quote from a movie, "Wounds are the roadmap to a person's heart."

So as I share this, what am I to think of all this? The hurts and pain we feel, the numbness we desire when we are going through the midst of it and what do we do with all of it?

As Matthew Elliot says:

"I have come to believe that our emotions were given to us by God to drive us to our best."
"I have come to believe that emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives."
"I have come to believe that emotions give us a window to see truth like nothing else."

"I have come to believe that the true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel."

I believe certain struggles come in our lives to break us from the walls that keep us from feeling the depths of emotions that God desires of us and our hearts. So much of the struggles of our lives force us to build walls within us so we don't have to deal with the reality of the pain, or perhaps the walls are there so all we can do is deal with the pain. I think the hardest part of going through struggles is that it requires us to trust God b/c the struggle is always greater than what we can handle on our own. So the temptation is to "deal" with it on our own by creating walls to manage the pain, while what God desires is to take the brokenness of our souls and to knit it in a way that redeems our brokenness.

The freedom to begin to feel comes to our ability to feel secure. It is here where I found that I had to take steps of faith to believe that God can be counted on. I always knew it intellectually, but I never took the step of faith required to actually live out in His love and in His trust. This summer demanded that I made a decision to either do so or not, and I am so thankful that I did. As God continues to overwhelm me with His love, I have come to agreement with the quote, that our relationship with God is correlated with our ability to feel our heart which is one of the most precious gifts He's given us.

When I am doing spiritually well, the smallest things trigger an overflow of emotion and expression that used to make me wonder about my manhood until I came to terms that who I am is who I am!!!

I guess I end with things song...because it reminds me of those difficult days of bottling in everything. This season is a time to take all that I've held to the cross and to give to Christ freely what He chose to die for.

Building 429 - No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

I will rise

Micah 7:8-9, 7:18-19 (NIV)
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness."

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.

19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

As these reflect my heart and the shimmer of truth that is beginning to gleam through the hazy of this past summer. The difficulties, the trials, the tests, each knocking down another pillar by which I so desparately clung to as my own security, my own sense of control, my necessity to hold on so tightly. Each area that I cared to not give up, God slowly and painfully tore my grip upon them. As I was left grasping, wondering, uncertain, I found myself naked. In the things I found so much confidence and comfort, I now was left to wonder...does God really care? That question pounded at my soul daily as I managed to struggle through the difficulties of this summer.

With my hands left empty, I was tempted to grab at the dirt of the ground violently and shake my fist at God who seemed to be wanting to take away everything I loved. He left me heartbroken and scared....what was to be of this life? How was I suppose to endure? The clarity I wanted kept on turning into mud with each fist full of dirt I shook at my creator.

And it was in a desert God brought Himself. Those hands that were left empty with nothing but wounds were slowly beginning to heal into scars. Each scar became a reminder of the road my Redeemer walked for me. I stared at my hands that were healing only to find the heart inside breaking with an indescribable love. A love that can only be tasted at the bitter taste of desperation...a love so consuming, that the hands that clutched the dirt, slowly lifted up...it was the moment of broken submission....it was the culmination of years of frustration, years of hurt, years of wanting to be more finding a purpose and sense of healing in letting them go to Jesus.

Yes, it was this moment I had been waiting for....to no longer hold on to this sorrow....this pain....this guilt.... No more feelings of letting others down, not being more than I could be..... it was the bondage of years upon years of repression being let free... a second chance, and a need to live out this redemption.....yes, it was this moment....a Holy moment....

Jesus had arrived in a way that my eyes had been reawakened to a greater passion and a deeper understanding. It was more that a feeling, more than a perspective shift, it was an awakening. As alluded to the past of the great awakenings in the historical context of the 1800's in American Christniaity, my heart found its own great awakening...

So I sit here in such joy for life and the life God's given me... The hands that tried so hard to attain what I needed to attain, to ensure that I got what I got have come 3/4 circle to a place where I'm learning to trust God in both His timing and His provision. I no longer have to prove that I am worthy, for Christ has deemed us worthy by His sacrifice. I don't have to fight in the ways I used to fight to try to be somebody because in Christ, in daily obedience I will continue to grow in the man He has created me to be. This identity as a child has also given me full access to a God that fills that void that is spoken about in Ecclesiastes "....eternity is set in the hearts of men..." His love is the only love that can fill me and satisfy me and daily I find myself running into the arms of my Savior so thankful for this love.....only praying that I could share it at whatever cost to all...

I am unsure of what the next steps will bring. However, I am sure that regardless of what happens, that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. He will uphold me and walk with me...even through the valley of the shadow of death....and shadows can only be formed in the presence of light, and that light will always be there.

Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb" (x2)

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise

God, are you on my side?

Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

In those quiet moments of desperation where I feel alone and unsure....this question continues to plague my heart...God, are you on my side? There are moments where I feel so sure that He is, but in the moments of my own greatest anxiety, the question continues to pound against me.. I have this mentality of me against the world. It'll leave me alone in this life for sure, and I find it being tested and tested again. My mind continues to run its course through its various thoughts and ideas.....

The question in the uncertainty of life is who am I going to trust? Or am I going to trust? I have worked so hard and done so much to try to prove myself to the rest of this world....

God, I come to you giving you all of me.....I am small and I am weak, but you are great and you are strong....God take this life, all for your glory, fight the fight in my heart and set me free, bring joy in this heart.....

Inpsire this heart to see your dreams for me....

Pain....makes a man...

Isn't there something about suffering that makes up the depth of a man? The real question is, what type of men are we becoming? Through the pain, our response begins to forge the path that decidingly forms the heart of who we're to become.

The first step we take is what we do with the pain...do we confront it or do we run from it. As we run from it, we find ourselves living in our fantasy world not really recognizing the reality of where we live. Due to that fact, we will continue to stunt our own maturity as we are unable to fully confront reality.

However, as we confront the pain, we take a step into manhood. As we take that step into manhood, the question is, what kind of men will we become?

Just because we are growing into men doesn't necessarily mean we're growing into respectable men. Our decisions begin to shape the character of our hearts and so it is in these most opportune situations that we make those choices to grow more in Christ or to grow more of this world.

There are apathetic men, there are ambitious men, there are evil men, there are good men, and the list goes on.

My father is one man that I would love to grow to be. He is a man that speaks straight...no games, no runaround... He is a man of his word, if he says he will do something, he will do something. He is a man of integrity, of trust, of honor, of selflessness, he is a man that God has placed in my life to show me how to be. He treats his wife with love and compassion, he is in so many ways a man of greatness....

I wonder what that cost was? The loss of his father, the experience of the korean war, the immigration to another country right after the civil rights, surviving by himself in a new country that he can barely speak the language, how many times did he hurt?

And so the real question in all of this, is looking at Christ is realizing the pain that He endure only helped to exemplify those Christ like qualities that we all can attest to. His kindness in his suffering, his discipline in the emotional times, and his trust when all circumstances dictated otherwise show an example of how to be.....

And the encouragement comes from realizing that the Holy Spirit is with us to grow us to be like Him. In these moments of toughness, God will form in our hearts a heart of a lion, able to fight, to protect and to lead this generation.

God, lead me in your ways....

We aren't who we were and things aren't the way they were...

Accept the past as what it is...celebrate what needs to be celebrate, grieve what needs to be grieve and accept a new spirit for today

What does it feel like to .....let it go????......

I've realized I have quite the Savior complex. I guess that would be somewhat indicative of the job title that I take on, but I have to realize that I am gainfully employed by the one that is the Savior. I can be like that guy who tries to be the only show in town, but forgets that he is only the opening act to the main event...

And so....this is something I have to let go...the desire to try to save everybody, to think I'm so dutifully important and the life I live is so integral that Christ can't work without it....

....I'm tired...thank you Jesus for my dad and for helping him through the surgery

You are faithful

I fear the loss of someone....

This has probably been one of the more difficult days that I have gone through. I just saw Iron Man with Sam and it was an excellent movie. Most of the time when I watch movies, I look for inspirational quotes or some motiff that can be somewhat related to this life...however I was more entertained than anything.

Driving home, I was confronted with an overwhelming sense of emotions that flooded my heart and my tear ducts. The tears flowed freely as I felt the pain tear through my heart. It was more occassional screams and then followed by silence and tears flowing so freely...it was freeing.

Then talking with Sam on the phone and talking with God, He showed me the deficit that has been plaguing my heart for so long....

While it is so easy to label ourselves, as this or that....what is it that drives the labels that we slap on ourselves? I deal with insecurities, I have trust issues....what does that really mean about me? Why are these such indemic issues of my heart...and why does my heart seem to be so unguarded in these areas?

MY GREATEST FEAR LIES IN THE FEAR OF LOSING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE....

This is why I keep my distance towards others, I don't let them in....not b/c I don't want to, but I fear of losing them if I do. So I live in this tension of desiring intimacy while lacking the freedom of providing it b/c I fear they will leave me or I will lose them somehow, or someway....

THE DEFICIT THAT LIES IN THIS HEART IS THAT I DO NOT TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL STAY WITH ME....that He won't forsake me and He won't leave me....

Help me to know you won't.....God, sustain me with Your love, one that drives out this fear in me...I offer it to you and lift it up to you, mold this heart to be more like yours..

Kobe Bryant.....I can relate....it's all about trust!

"He knew he wasn't going to beat teams by himself," Odom said. "He's so good that it makes sense for him to think that because I've seen him do it before. I've seen him have [62 points] against Dallas, I've seen him get 81 on Toronto and just dismantle a team, but he understood that we had to get better. When he did that, when Kobe starts trusting you, that makes you play even better because when someone that good trusts you and drives you, you can't help but to get better."

I don't know if Lamar Odom could've said it better. I love the last part of what he says. It's the ability of trusting others that elevates the people around you and they can't help but get better because of that trust you have in them.

I look around and wonder how selfish I have looked over these years. I've masked it with my ability to open up enough, but however, there hasn't been that freedom to find my own sense of expression. My own reluctance was caught up with my inability to trust God, others, and in my failures, to trust myself. This lack of trust fragmented the sense of who I am and helped to allow myself to dichotomize my own being.

The haneous result of that is the fact that as I had chopped myself up, I did that to others. It is the lens by which we see ourselves that we ultimately see the rest of this world. However, I think the expression of that is most seen in those that reside the closest to our hearts.

"This is the way of the pharisees. They follow the law impeccably in order to induce God's love. The initiative is theirs...the pharisee must pursue a lifestyle that minimizes mistakes. Then, on Judgment Day, he can present God with a perfect slate and the reluctant Diety will have to accept it. The psychology of the pharisee makes a religion of washing cups and dishes, fasting twice a week, and paying tithes of mint, dill and cumin very attractive."

"This endless moralistic self-evaluation makes it impossible to feel accepted before God. His perception of personal failure leads to a precipitous loss of self-esteem and triggers anxiety, fear, and depression."

"The pharisee within usurps my true self whenever I prefer appearances to reality, whenever I am afraid of God, whenever I surrender the control of my soul to rules rather than risk living in union with Jesus, when I choose to look good and not be good, when I prefer appearances to reality."

Quotes from Brennan Manning's Abba's Child

God, help me to trust you, to learn to live in union with you....God I need you...