Some Pain never Fades...

I heard in this one movie that "...scars are the roadmap to the soul.."  It got me to thinking where would the scars of my life lead to?  Perhaps a better way to phrase it is, what destination do my scars point to?  Of course....being the man of God that I am, I can't help but say that they lead to Christ.  Each scar on my soul a reflection of the many that He bore for me and the imagery of scars providing a map to our souls intrigues me as I think of Christ, however, as for me.... I think what God desires is an honest assessment of the stark reality of this dark lonely soul.

But before I lay my own soul naked before my two readers...its much easier observing others and then taking an introspective look into myself.  There are some things my own soul will hide from me if I don't provide a backdrop by which I gauge myself.  For this reason, I shall digress for a couple of paragraphs before trying to dive into the deep waves of my unholy soul!

Currently, it seems that my life has been surrounded with people who are dealing with one sort of wound or another.  Each seems to be so unique to who they are and each respond differently than one would expect.  One cries while the another ignores while another pushes forward... each I see with a gaping wound in their soul that is bleeding and in some ways it seem that their own soul is gasping for air.

You see it right?  That person who can't trust anymore because they've been cheated on.... the other who's been abused that believes that they don't deserve better but runs back to that abuser b/c that's all they've known, or others who justify the hurt and wound with their twisted logic somehow making the offender the victim.... each a sickness running deep that continues to shape their existing condition.  Perhaps its so well hidden that they can't even see it themselves...its so deep inside of them that they have thought the person they are isn't still being dictated by these gaping wounds.

The analogy that I run to when I ponder these things is someone with a cancer, or a clot, or an infection.... each hurtful moment only creates a better environment for that sickness to grow... and it certainly does grow.  We, as people, are like House and his team trying to be the best diagnostic soul doctors.  We let the disease present itself, see if this medicine can cure it, or that medicine can heal it, and we move on trying to understand how the physiology of the soul effects the presentation of that particular disease.

Will continue later....just not at a place to bear my soul...how pathetic...I know!

A Deeper Understanding of Love...

Reading from Cries of the Heart, Ravi speaks about the different facets of love that C.S. Lewis points out...this one quote seem to remarkably point to such a deeper understanding of what love is...and the multi-facet nature of it.

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve or even suffer for, God; Appreciatve love says: "We give thanks to thee for thy great glory." Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection---if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so that never to have seen her at all"

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18, 23-24
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

"God wants us to understand not just the doctrinal fact of His love but also the emotional intensity and the reality of His love. Love is not only a word describing commitment, as vital as that is. It is also a concept that engenders feeling."

I would have to say in the very moments of each day, a reflection of my soul would show a myriad of different emotions and expressions of thought. To each, shows an outworking of my own understanding and thoughts in what I truly believe. I have battled greatly and continue to do so as I try to keep my heart open. In my most failing moments I find myself gravitating towards a desire to uplift the self in my best characteristics and to denounce that for what we had. This expression exalts myself and begets even a greater pride to exist in me. I have found this the most gratifying in the moment, but in reflection I find a greater source of pain stabbing at the core of my soul. My deeper understanding of who Christ is compels me to forego such a selfish act to truly begin to understand the heart and mind of Christ. While at the same time, to curb the hurt and ask for myown wounds to be healed. In this very delicate and daunting task, I am quite perplexed at what I should be doing. I have thought out different options to deal with each varying emotional feeling only to find that in them are only temporarily solutions that numb the hurt inside.

More and more, I have cried to God for wisdom in understanding His will. Through it, my eyes have been opened up to more than I could imagine. This doesn't mean that the battle within doesn't continue but gives hope and encouragement as to the ability He's granted me in learning to be patient. I have found more and more that love in its truest essence brings out the best of who we are as humanity. It goes beyond human rationale and capacity to write such stories and testimonies worthy of praise. I find that in today's society we are too easily pleased. We measure ourselves and one another through a mere 6 digit salary. Or it can be through the lens of physical attractiveness... It is the lie Satan has predisposed our nation to devour. It is no wonder that we live in a nation that is lost and depressed. We have allowed ourselves to be defined by such base things while God has called us to so much more. As I was reading, I was reminded that even my own selfishness is to becasted aside when I am in the presence of the Almighty God. It is through His eyes I have been able to fully understand the truest and purest form of love.

This again brings more security in the path God has laid for me. We do not look at the superficial but at the soul that beats within. It is here that a piece of eternity is given to all of humanity. Although not everyone does express Christ as their Savior, their lives have the potential to show that whether they acknowledge His sacrifice or not. I look to people such a Ghandi or even my father as examples of that. Each person in this world is fashioned by the hands of God. Each person is perfectly made with the Creator's purpose and intent. All the more I shall delight in my own existence as I realize it is the gift of life that has been poured upon me.

This is where I find love in its truest form. As we find the depths of our souls enamored at the beauty of God's creation, it is this emotional experience that dignifies the created and worships the creator.

With this understanding, how can I not like the father of the prodigal son open my arms wide in grace and love? It is in this understanding we find truly God's grace manifested in such beauty that does transcend all understanding. More and more, I find this insight to be valuable into seeing His people and realizing the true essence of life. If by His will, I am able to show others the expression of the eternal in their hearts, perhaps in this the world can be changed. The true problem is that it is often harder to see in those that you do not care so much about. However, once realized, this is truly the beauty of the cross. Often times I thought only that we were to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily as such a grueling and unpleasurable thing. It seems the burden so great, but I remember watching the Passion and watching Christ has He hugged the cross and delighted in carrying the burden. Perhaps the burden placed now is to show people who they truly are. It is arealization that in all of us who profess Christ, that as we die to ourselves, we are truly becoming more ourselves...The ironic twist of it is that we are not made of this world. We are given souls that point to another and bodies that point to this world. Too often we silence the soul and allow the body to live. We must show begin to show people how to express the eternal inside of who they are. I find that those that were able to see this were able to shake and shape the world like no other. In this, the grace so passionately sought out is made complete.

Our Clumsy Hands...

God of this City

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You are

You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

Joel 2:28-32

The Day of the LORD

28 "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions.

29 Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

30 I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke.

31 The sun will be turned to darkness
and the moon to blood
before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

32 And everyone who calls
on the name of the LORD will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance,
as the LORD has said,
among the survivors
whom the LORD calls.

There's something about the simplicity of this song that speaks volumes of the power of Christ. I remember thinking that life in itself is this idea of how humans come up with way of bringing complexity to simplicity. In a nutshell, the simple things of life become so complex when put into the hands of humans. I have found the truth of that in my own mind as it surges forth trying to answer every question within my head and understand every situation surrounding me. There is this song by Mainstay that has these lyrics "I keep on searching for the answers I don't need..." and this brought about another in my mind is that often times the depravity of my own mind asks questions that search for answers that I don't need. In the bombardment of these questions, I found my own heart getting lost in the "what ifs" and "uncertainties" of life while having such a stranglehold on my life...

However, as God has brought me out of such a place and bringing an amazing security, there are different impulses that raise up from my heart out of the depths of my soul from the Holy Spirit that revitalize me with life. In a world with such hurt and pain, our God is the God of our city...and my heart couldn't help but beat harder for Tuba City...As I reflected on the experience, and the visions that God placed on my heart to see that place won for Christ, my heart couldn't help but to send off a shout at the tips of my toes hoping that extra inch would help God hear the cry of my heart a little louder!!!

In a world with so much calamity, we can trust in a God who is the light extinguishing the darkness, the author who is writing out a redemptive story through our lives, and a father who is picking up his broken child to carry him through...this is the message that is burning like embers in the depths of my bones...Our God is able...and may He securely fix it upon my life so that I would never lose sight of this God who we can call upon His name to be saved...

And so in this, I hope to share with you the sweetness of Christ, the amazing grace that liberates our souls, and the changing power of the Holy Spirit that fills our lives. There will come a day and perhaps it in this day we must see the outpour of God's spirit...within the honesty of our souls, God comes and invades our hearts in ways that we cannot explain.

Lord, I pray that our lives would be investing in those things that would last an eternity. Burn within these hearts a desire to not just grow in maturity, but also with intimacy with your heart. May you share with us your thoughts, your visions, your purposes, and your plans so that even through broken lives, you can begin to shape this world with the transformative love of Christ. God, reclaim your kingship, right here and right now..... not my will, but your will be done.

Surrender and Trust

Rereading Old Posts...Feb 5, 2007

Surrender and Trust

These are two things I constantly struggle with in my own walk with God. I can't surrender b/c I can't trust. I think trust in itself is one that is such a delicate balance of understanding personal responsibility vs. divine sovereignty. Where is the line I draw in terms of ambition, but at the same time, not walking away feeling like I did it. Its a dependence on self and I see it all the time. I think the tell-tale signs are the habits of worrying that have developed and it provides no sense of peace when I think about the future. There are only anxiety and thoughts of what might and will happen, and predicated on those thoughts are the constant feelings of uncertainty that exist in a world that is not for certain. And so what it is that I able to hold onto is myself for in myself, I feel a sense of immediate certainty but at the same time, it is built on a foundation that is so uncertain. My own self knowledge is made of my own thinking and my own perceptions and values of how I view myself dependent on a gradient that has been shaped ever since my own birth. Whether it be parents, society, and/or inner proddings, I find myself aspiring to this greater thing that I ought to be without any thought of what God wants from me or so it seems.

In this tension I live in, and so I have to reconcile this deeper divideness in my heart, for it is this despondent cry for identity that is leaking ever so slowly into the fabric of my own daily life. This is where I need God to speak again and for myself to see who I am in light of the creator. This is why I so desperately desire to hear His voice in the quietness of my soul. There was a time where I would've yearned for that spiritual high, that feeling of no greater thing, but I have found those to be mere experiences, some lasting, but most an experience that left me unchanged. How foolish we have become to think that experiences measure the depth of our own existence. Emotions and good feelings guide are own spirituality and we wonder why we ride this roller coaster of a faith. I cannot sit here in judgement but only in confession knowing that I am oh so guilty of that sin...and to place in one step more, my own knowledge condemns me once again.

And it is here in the deeper parts of my soul that I find a longing to be with my creator. It is here in my brokeness and my desolation of hopelessness, that the creator arises and speaks truth. In his whisper, I find peace and in His vision I find ambition. Here is where the dreams are produced and life begins, and I must come here once again.

Just as that song says, when the music fades, and all is stripped away...the bustling of cars honking, the weaving inner thought colliding, and that consistent nagging that persists in wondering whether you will receive all you want.... This is where I want to be....to hear my maker, to respond to His annoucement for the life He's given me. It is here I realize that it isn't me that made me, but it is Him that gave me it all.

Perhaps what we need is not more, but less... the real truth is we have heard the sermons, the messages, prayer meetings, this and that....spiritual experience spiritualized....Christian life disected, re-disected, analyzed, scrutinized, and here we come unchanged for all the analysis and describing of what our life ought to be...we are left....so still...so unsure... so fragile. And perhaps this is part of the existence God calls us, for in this we find are own desperate need for hope, and a grace that can quench that thirst. Another voice that has been there always, wishes just to spend time and to come close, and this is what we need. It is as if we try to have all the fluff and appearance of a healthy relationship, but behind closed doors, it is but a rotting carcass of empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. We have sold ourselves out for the appearance b/c we want the easy way to it all...the quickest way to be spiritual, but yet we don't realize how this is an impossibility and we admire from afar the great stories of old. Our own imagination plays with these thoughts of being great, living for Christ, yet we don't realize that these great lives were forged in the inner depths of the daily grind, the appreciation of the seconds of each waking moment...to appreciate breath is to appreciate life and here it is where we have become so consumed in consuming....

How can it be that revival meetings....can fail??? Doesn't revival meeting connote the fact that revival exist and revival itself points to a communal change in spirit...I don't condemn the good intentions behind it, but I do ask the question to all of us, does not revival start at the cross? Divine inspiration meets its appointment on our knees in front of our maker...not in front of another good praise band or another great speaker. God has given us all we need...but yet we think we need more and this is one of the most clever concepts pulled by the devil. Here we are, 21st century Christians, who have everything they could ask for...desiring more and needing less... and so it is the fact that our faith has become so dependent on experiences and not on our relationship with God.

It is said that a preacher often preaches to himself and that is probably what I'm doing....but in it I find a truth that arises to speak to those around me...so often frustrated at the condition of self....how do we change....

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." G.K. Chesterton

Mainstay - Believe
I don't know if I still have the strength to get up again
I don't know if I can face my own reflection
Jesus, take this heart that feels
so cold again, and make it new

I hold this hope inside that you'll never leave me

When all around me starts to fall,
and when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe
Even if the sun begins to fall,
even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I'm all alone, I will believe

I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away
All I really want is for your love to hold me
Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again

I know you'll never leave me

Creating Pockets of Empathy..

Luke 13:10-14 "On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, 'Woman, you are set free from your infirmity' Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straighted up and praised God. Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue ruler said to the people, 'There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath."

Do you guys ever get the feeling that the crap you're going through right now is specifically designed for a greater purpose? Or maybe you're on the flip side, where you're wondering what all of this crap is really for? I think living in a sin-fallen world can be just plain tough. Being Christian sometimes makes that tough into a freaking pole and impales you in the behind....(sorry for being so graphic)...but that kind of tough can only be explained in such a way.

Of course, I started off with this verse from Luke and what stands out is the fact that Jesus seem to take everybody's tough situation to heart. He doesn't blow them off, or give them example of how His situation is completely more difficult, but instead, He meets with them with a heart-felt empathy that seems to be lacking so much in my life right now.

As I look into this passage, I see a man that isn't worried about his own agenda, but has eyes to see people. Jesus isn't afraid of what others think, but is more concerned about the people that need His love and help. I also see a selflessness that exudes by merely the fact that I would be much more concerned trying to teach these Pharisees how pharisaical they're being (which ironically probably didn't become a full-fledged term until ....years past) ha ha ha...*I digress* I would do a quick cost-benefit analysis and come to the realization that the quicker these hearts of the Pharisees change, the more effect it'll have on the surrounding community. Instead, Jesus looks deep into the heart of a "no-body" to hear and heal her situation. That's truly the beauty of this passage....

I come to realize that I have to let go of "my agenda." The irony is that when ministry is your calling, you think that people would be the agenda, and in many ways, they become the agenda. Instead of seeing people, you see checkmarks, you see the necessity to do what needs to be done, and so the people slowly morph into tasks and other props that are self-contained in this narcisitic world I've created so perfectly...almost like my own etch and sketch picture..

And that random thought leads me to the title of the blog....creating pockets of empathy.... I think life is so much more than just checking off the box and finishing are "to do lists..." There is a joy in really being able to interact and listen to someone with a genuineness. You learn more and life becomes so much more meaningful. I have found the dullest moments in my life have been when I'm stuck hanging out with myself and thinking of things that are so selfish.... These moments are like liter on the street just causing me to fill up with unnecessary garbage. But life was meant to live with connection and depth with those that we encounter. In it, we might find those opportunities to be Christ and to reflect love onto those that need it the most. Perhaps, other times we will find others sub-conciously doing the same, and all in all.....what we will see is the thing that we really need. This great and awesome God....who has time to come and spend time with me, and heal some of the deepest hurts of my life.

His greatest empathy comes with His greatest pain bore on the cross.... in those moments of deep separation, He understood a pain that all of humanity could never comprehend and I believe that those moments of pain gave Him the unique ability to infinitely create pockets of empathy....and so it is, that through those He loves, He will do the same work in our lives and some of the deepest pains are only moments of creating beautiful pockets of empathy that will be filled with some of the most fulfilling experiences this life can offer.

Thank you Jesus...and thank you Jason Oh for inspiring this journal..

Even Then...

Even Then The lyrics from Nicole Nordeman's Song.... It's a fear that keeps me wide awake In the middle of the night When the expectations are too great And the bar gets raised too high So I do the best with what I've got And hope that no one knows That I strain to see how high I can Try to stand on these toes Until I'm measured, but You know better So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then So I put aside the masquerade And admit that I am not okay Which may not be the thing to say But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then We raise the standard and try to reach You But we'll never make it and we don't need to ... So, thank You, Jesus Even when You see us just as we are Fragile and frail and so far From who we want to be So, thank You, Jesus Even when the pieces are broken and small Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind Thank You, even then Its ok Jason....its ok....you don't have to try so hard to reach me, I am reaching for you...stop trying so hard...you don't need to, be still...and accept the fact that I accept you just as you are...that I love you just as you are, that I forgive you for all that you have done, do and will do....you don't have to pretend anymore, its ok that you're not ok... you're safe now, you can lay all your burdens here, rest awhile....I am here, don't worry about everything else that is going on, people's lives will go on without you and it'll be ok...you don't have to be everything to everybody...you just have to be Jason, you need to be who you really are, stop trying to be someone that you're not for the sake of everybody else; what this w orld needs is you jason, that's why I created you, that's why I chose you, b/c what the world needs more than anything is you to stop trying to be everybody else and for you to be you. Stop tiring yourself out...stop trying so hard, find peace in me, find yourself here....it starts here, it starts now, at the foot of the cross, seeing your own sins....your own dreadful sins....and seeing a loving Savior....don't turn your eyes, don't look away, just look beyond your shame that lies on the ground you stare at, and look at the me jason, look at how much i'm willing to do for you, look at how much i believe in you, look, i love you jason, i love you, i always have, and i always will i know you lust, i know you've made physical mistakes, i know you've hurt people, i know you've been selfish, i know you've lied, i know all that, and i still love you, i know everything, and i still love you jason, stop denying it, stop throwing excuses at my face, don't you see how much it breaks my heart? don't you see how it makes me bleed not jus from my hands and feet, but my heart bleeds for you, don't you know i'm the champion of your cause, b/c i made you for me! don't you know that you don't have to worry, i will provide stop pitying yourself, stop feeling lonely, i am here, i complete you, i am everything jason, i want to be everything jason, can't you see that....i want to be everything for you b/c i know i'm the best for you, do you believe that? don't let your previous relationships with your parents, friends, or girlfriends define who i am or what i will do...b/c i'm different jason, i understand your fears, i understand how its so hard....don't worry, i've been through it and i'm here to hold your hand! trust me jason, give it away.....choose freedom jason, choose Christ....choose me!!!!! Stop waiting for the woman to choose you and start by choosing me! You won't regret it jason.... Jason I love you...i love you...you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be something, just be...be still...just be loved...how does it feel? have you ever taken the time to let me love you? what does it feel like? do you feel the security? do you feel me? i'm here jason, don't ever forget it, but i know you will, but i will remind you 2 Peter 3:8-9 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 1 Peter 5:6-11 "Humble yourself, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing fim in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffereings. And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

Rereading Abba's Child....

Chapter 3 - The Beloved....

"When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less sersiously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and that my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy. Conscientiously "wasting" time with God enables me to speak and act from greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. It empowers me to lose myself, at least temporarily, against a greater brakground than the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
-Brennan Manning-

"Finally, I accepted my brokenness....I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what i should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again ---or at least to get to the place where I was very seldom broken.....I came to see that it was in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness tha Jesus was made setrong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. IT was in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness. It was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing, not dominating; understanding, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.
-Henri Nouwen-

Its funny how some old truths become new truths once again. Some things in life you felt like you finally began to understand and yet they seem to slip right between your fingers over time. I look back upon the past year filled with great hurt and disappointment and great encouragement and victory. It seems coupled with the hard times are moments of "God" moments that flash as a reminding encouragement that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There's this story of a man that goes to a monk out in the desert and feels that he's lost himself in his life. The monk quietly listens to the story and then brings out a jar of water. As he's bringing out the jar, the water is sloshing back and forth being disturbed. The monk sets it down in front of the man and the monk tells the man to look at the water. In it the man sees distortions of himself with no clarity as the water continues to crash against the sides. The water finally settles and the man sees his own reflection undistorted.

The monk continues to say that often times our busy lives creates the waves in the water. It provides a choppy reflection of who we are in the midst of trying to live for others. As we slowly allow our lives to settle, we finally get to see the truth of who we are, undistorted.

It is in this moment I've spent a good while staring at....only to find a great sense of disappointment overwhelm me. There's the imposter I dream of being...the one I carry out in society, the person that I want everybody to like and respect...the guy full of wisdom, confident, and passionate. But during this break as I've allowed to the water to settle, I am finally getting to see again a man that is left grasping at his own dellusions of what he desires to be. There would be a moment where this self-reflection would cause me to work harder at the fascade, must do more so I can be more....but as I understood grace, it is in these moments where I accept the man I am today and to surrender it all to Christ. For what He desires is what I want my heart to desire, and where He leads, I want to follow....

thoughts on this crazy heart....

I don't know if too many episodes of house is drawing up this random thoughts...but just had to lay some things out on the table. I wonder about this crazy thing called "relationships." Over the years, I've felt the pain of loss and rejection while also feeling the joy that relationships bring. How is it that one is to grieve the losses? How do we deal with these pains? What are we to do with the emotions and residual left over in our hearts... Somewhere the cup that we contained all of this spills....or an incident causes it to shake so a little bit spills out.... But all the while we're still holding that cup of crazy emotions, of messed up feelings...and we are so desparately trying to push down the lid and tell the world that everything is ok....that I am ok...

But am I? Am I really ok? I wonder if our desire to be opaque to the rest of the world is exactly what is killing us from really being transparent to ourselves. As House says, "Everybody lies..." and sometimes it is the lies to ourselves that are damaging our souls the most. Perhaps we are way too concerned about what everybody else thinks about us that we can't have clarity on how we think of ourselves. We drive forward, like a soldier marching continuously, step by step...being hypnotized by the cadence, and we never stop to think why we're marching but all we know is that life must move forward so we do.

So the real question is how do we progress? How do we move on? What does it really mean to move on? What do these flashing moments indicate about our hearts, our lives?

I think sometimes that remind us that we're human....that we have souls, that we have pain, and that ultimately we're always in need of a Savior. I remember a character in a movie saying, "Scars are the roadmap to a person's soul..." I wonder if our response to those scars in our lives determine the destination of our soul?

I suppose my latest episode reveals much about me and where my relationship with God is. Lately, I have found this uncertainty residing in me.... so much of life I live with a certainty and I pursue with a precision passion, but as I find myself distant from God, I find my own sense of self a bit erratic and unsure...... not really on solid ground. Not to say that things are horrible, but just distant...

Its funny b/c when you share that, people are always quick to jump on the bandwagon of solutions....perhaps that is why I selfishly like journaling, b/c there isn't anyone to interrupt your thought process, but just a blank template by which you can paint what is going on in your soul.

Maturity is growing in understanding of one self and coming to accept it....or at least that's how I would like to define it. Anyways....enough random thoughts for the night.....perhaps some more coherent solution tomorrow...but yea...its like the guy on PBS who looks like he's smoked way too many joints and needs a comb to tame his hair or at least tease it....but he starts painting what is suppose to be a beautiful landscape, but ends up being just a blob of colors.... that is where this painting is tonight...hopefully by the turn of the new year, it shall look like something...*crossing fingers*

From a wounded healer...

"....However in the middle of all fragmentation one image slowly arose as the focus of all considerations: the image of the wounded healer. This image was last in coming. After all attempts to articulate the predicament of modern man, the necessity to articulate the predicament of the minister himself became most important. For the minister is called to recognize the suffereings of his time in his own heart and make that recognition the starting point of his service. Whether he tries to enter into a dislocated world, relate to a convulsive generation, or speak to a dying man, his service will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the suffering about which he speaks. Thus nothing can be written about ministry without a deeper understanding of the ways in which the minister can make his own wounds available as a source of healing." p.xvi (The Wounded Healer)

The quotes underneath only help to spurn myself into understanding that the wounds that are endured through life cannot be healed by mere mortal hands. Each wound inflicted upon a soul must also need a divine healing by which God has authority over. In a more simplistic way of understanding this, it is not until we fully submit our own hurts and worries to Christ that we find true freedom in living. Our desires to find a cure for the pain that resonates deep in our soul cannot come from the cause of that pain. Just as much so, that a gun that has pierced the flesh of a person cannot be the source by which that wound is healed. However, I have seen how our society in general and ourselves often follow that same logic. We look at those that have hurt us the greatest with this endearing hope that those same people will be the ones that will bring the healing upon the wounds they inflicted. However, this will never bring true healing to those hurts. In our flawed hands, we find that as much as we do want to help others, our own intentions can hurt others in the process of trying to help them. So the question becomes, what do we do? How can we help? What about those we've hurt and care about so much?
The grim reality is that we will never be able to heal those wounds on our own. As much as we can give and give, it will never be enough for the one that has been hurt. In our own hopelessness we turn to Christ who is able to bring life and break those chains of unforgivness. God is the author and perfecter of our faith. It is He who is able to bless and cure, change and soften the hearts.

This is where the wounded healer begins to emerge. In my own pain, I am able to relate to a generation that sees pain as its God. It is these measures, that God has called me to step beyond and to claim Christ once again for not only myself, but for this generation. As much as we focus on these wounds, we have failed to realize that...

Romans 8:37-39 "37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

It is the love of Christ that brings ultimate healing to the soul. It is seen in glimpses through the love that is shown in this world. Even in our own falleness, I find that there is still a great capacity for many to exemplify such a love that can transcend the wounds of generations. These, in themselves have been dignified through the lives of Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Ghandi, and many others who fought with love against the hatred and bitterness that can poison the wounds that are inflicted through life.

As for myself, I find this own predicament to be one that I will constantly battle for a lifetime. It is the burden given by God to men to understand His heart. All of my life, I have ran away from such a burden. I allowed my own fears and my own feelings of inadequacy to rule over my own consciousness. This imprisoned me into such a life that kept me from being the man that God had always envisioned me to be. Once released from that burden, understanding who I am in Christ, I have one more step to truly mature into a leader and a man. This is the understanding of life that often has been nulified by our generation through such blurring of lines and distinctions of God's own intentions. In my woundedness, God has given me the ability to relate with those from our generation. Through this experience, God has shown me the way to overcome the hurts and pains and find true freedom in the very life that I live. It is the liberation that comes from understanding what life is really about. Life isn't meant to be lived in a manner by which we avoid all hardships or bubble ourselves in a place where we cannot experience hurt, but it is the understanding that through these pains, we grow closer into understanding the heart of Christ. Our own sufferings show us the greater joy in the life He's given us and it points to the hope that we ought to live for. Christ himself had such aches and pains in His heart for the very people that sent Him to the cross. I will soon experience similar pains as God calls me to lead His people. Many times I will not get what I deserve and more times than not, my heart will bleed for those who will never know. The question is who will I go to for comfort and rest? Who will heal those hurts that I experience.

Hebrews 10:17b-23 " "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."[c] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. 19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. "

It is Christ where we find true healing and it is through this understanding that I will be able to place my confidence in Him. We will hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful. How great is that promise and the hope we can cling on to. Even when hurts and pains wound the heart, and unforgiveness taps at our doorsteps we find Jesus calling to our hearts knowing and understanding the very situations and being able to empathize with us. In Him we have true victory and all that was holding us in bondage is shattered through His amazing grace and love. This is the gospel message once again showing that the life we have been given is one of great power and worth. Although, it cannot be measured in terms of this world's measurements, it is able to be seen through the lives changed and the hearts invested in the very things that will matter for an eternity.

I do believe that when one heart turns to God, all of eternity shakes with immeasurable joy.

He meets me where I'm at....

He meets us where We're at....

Philippians 3:12-16 "12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

I remember a long time ago praying this prayer that continues to "haunt" me today. It was a message I heard a long time ago speaking about King David. One of the distinguishing marks about King David was that he had a heart after God's own heart. What an amazing gift that is!!! And so during a dry period of my own faith freshman year of college, I prayed to God that He would grow a heart after His own in me. My oh my, how faithful God is to those kinds of prayers...and b/c of it, I would have to say that I have been placed in positions that have forced me to go completely against my own nature.

In Romans 7, Paul speaks about how our sinful nature often takes over and we allow that to guide our actions while the Godly nature God has for our own hearts only exists in our head and it takes time for it to become part of the new nature God is forming in us. The key word is definitely "forming."

Philippians 2:1-8

"1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"

This is the amazing thing about Jesus Christ is that He not only saw our situations but He put himself in our shoes. It is a phrase that we often remark here and there, but the challenge for all of us is to not just put ourselves in another person's shoes....but to get into their heart and see through their eyes. It is almost to become that person to see their perspective.

I know that in relationships, I have had the tendency of just placing myself in their position. Of course I wouldn't come up with any sort of compassion because I still have my heart as I look at their position. My judgements and my logic still made sense except that I stood in their position and wondered why the heck they didn't see it the way I saw it. Funny how that is?

The increasing challenge is not to only put myself in their shoes, but to almost become them in the situation they are in and usually one that I precipiatetd through my own actions. Christ Himself did this very thing for me. He did not just put Himself in my shoes, but looked at my situation through my eyes and saw the hopelessness that was in the world that I'm in. Without Him, I cannot say for certain I would be here today. So seeing my situation, He provided hope for me through the cross.

So the question that I ponder today is not that I just understand people's situations, but am I being Christ to them? Am I taking the time to see through their eyes, to feel through their hearts? This is the next challenge I face and one that God is continually confronting me with.... Its funny because until this moment of reflection comes, there grows a continual frustration with people...a wondering why they don't see the world as I do... and so I force myself to be patient, to try to be more understanding, to hold my tongue and in it all I just find myself trying......so hard....and growing so disillusioned....

Perhaps the goal is not to try so hard, but it is to start being Christ to others. And as Christmas time approaches, the place that I need to start first is to learn through Christ's example of being born into a world He didn't have to. He endured what wasn't fair and sacrificed so much for a cause so few believed in...

And the question that pounds like a migraine is why!?......Why? Christ....for an obstenite group of people...why!? For the people that would spit in your face why? For the people that would stone you, that would whip you?....for the disciples that would turn their back on you? Why?!.....for what reason would compel you to go to such extreme to save a people that would have no regard for you!?...

Is that not the million dollar question!? Is that not the reason we find our own thoughts continually hit a road block?! A love incomprehensible...one that does not make sense... it literally sits in defiant of logic....as to rebel against even the nature of own our understanding...how are we to interpret such a love?

It only continues to plague my own heart....for God, the creator of this universe could have chosen any way to save this world...a plan of redemption, a carpenter's son, a group of rag tag fisherman and other ho-hums of society....3 years, a life or ridicule, unbelief.....to the son of the creator, the created laughed, prodded, made fun of, plotted against, conived...against the only son, the created chose to crucify and so I stand in wonder, in mystery, in humility not knowing how to react or how to comprehend...

Jesus why.....and it is here, in the face of his very torturers He pleads for their forgiveness....in the moments leading to his death, He pleads for those that are going to crucify Him....but why?!

There this mantra or theme God has placed on my heart this past quarter. "God meets us where we're at..." And I have to say that God is revealing this in so many ways. He meets me where I'm at....often times on a broken road....so far away...with my head down wondering if all of "this" really matters. Wandering through the forest of my frustrations.....going through the path of my situations wondering where this is all going to lead? Taking one step forward....feeling the bitter chill of the wind hit my bones and the leaves rustling around me. Is this a path that God had lead me to or am I just walking alone...

Jesus meets us where we're at. He meets me on this path.....He meets me in this road where my wounded heart cries for comfort, where my chilled bones seek warmth...the desire to curl up in front of a fire having the flames radiant the soothing heat into my despondant soul. A lick of warmth lights the flicker of hope that becomes rekindled....God meets me where I'm at....

But was it necessary to go such extremes? Why the harshest of situations...does He know my heart that well? Does he know how hard it would be for me to believe in His love for me. Perhaps it in the recollection of the brutality that He faced that my heart can find comfort that His love goes beyond even the cruelest of people. His forgivness breaks through the barriers of doubt and I can find security in that. His desire to go so far was His desire to show me that His love is beyond my own actions of hurting him. I cannot put into doubt the love that He has for me regardless of what I do, say or think. Even to the point of crucifixtion, His love is made available.

I do believe that as Christ prayed and took up the daunting task of being the Savior of the world, He took a glimpse into my own life. I am convinced that He had to. He understood our situation and He understood how desperate our hearts would be for a Savior. I know that I am oh so thankful so many days when I don't think I'm going to quite make it. He meets us where we're at...and so in doing so, the place we meet Him is at the cross...The cross reminds us that He meets us where we're at...it reminds us that His work has made us complete, and we don't have to try so hard anymore...

The cross also reminds me that the challenege in following Christ is to meet others where they're at. It does not matter what is fair or unfair...what is right or wrong, or if I got hurt or not, but what matters is seeing the other person through their situation, heart and circumstances. Often my heart turns from indignant righteousness to humbled brokeness....and perhaps it is in this place that God is forming my heart after His. It is in the moments where I want to exert my own righteousness, where I want to feel like my way is better than someone else's, it is where I want to scream...."What about my situation....what about mE!!!!...its not FAIR....." God gently reminds me that God has called me to love Him and His people. I do not have to seek fairness or love from others but I am called to provide it to others. I am called to die to myself and take up my cross daily...not to wait for someone else to take this cross for me...God has called me to love His people irregardless of the fact that I am loved or that anyone sees my perspective.

A Broken Love....

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I have to say that when it comes to loving, especially after having a broken heart it is so hard to love again. There's a sense of rationale that tells you exactly to do what C.S. Lewis warns us about. I've been there and I've realized that it is much more of an escape from the present reality then an understanding and acknowledgement of God's sovereignty.

Isn't funny how when it just doesn't go your way, you start questioning God? Are you there? What's even more suprising is to realize that there's something deep inside of you that actually encourages those thoughts. It brings justification to whatever you defenses you choose to put up.

There's much I have to say, but one thing I know is that I understand. God has revealed to me how judgemental I am. Superficially, I have masked it in an false-encompassing acceptance of others, but once I see one judgemental person, I burn!!

I am judgemental against judgemental people, I'm unloving towards unloving people, and the list goes on and on. Only in my logical justificatino, does this continue to persist with a self-righteousness. The great unfortunate loss that I have failed to realize but have come to see in reflection is that in each of those attitudes, I only perpetuated each of the qualities in those that I pressed upon them. How foolish the human heart can be?! It is a fair warning to express that the Word of God is needed to correct my thinking and to put me back into a place where I can be used to reconcile this world to Christ instead of alienating it even further to destruction.

Why has God put such an onus on us who seem so incapable? I would have to reply, "Ask Him?", but in my own ability to conjecture, the acknowledgement of truth in the statements above about our influence upon those we're surrounded by gives us a glimpse to the ultimate logic that says if we who are so prone to do such things are capable to overcome to be Christ, then how much more will the world glorify Him?

For the ease of God to do such things seems well...Godly, but for the unGodly to be Godly and for the angry to be loving and for the hurtful to be renewed is a demonstration of a greater power which ultimately points to the power that enables us.

I believe healing starts at the cross and at the cross begins the healing. For the path to the cross is the acknowledgement that we need Him and He is able. Any other sense of healing and forgiveness will be felt, but I feel will be shortchanged, b/c Christ is love, and anything else is selling ourselves short of the love that can be experiencing in healing and in life itself.

Condition of my heart....

I've realized how easy it is for my heart to just coast through life. As I assess where I'm at today with Christ, I realize how far my heart is from Him. In His grace, I had the opportunity to be blessed through a song by Casting Crowns - While You Were Sleeping.... In it....I felt the gentle tug of God challenging me once again by His grace to take this life seriously.

I wonder if there's a necessity in my life to continually frame my life with the understanding of Christ. I'll try to elaborate, but basically, I think the thoughts of my life...are the things I have to do that day. I think of the tasks, pretty much my life extends to the point of "my life." In that sense, I've been living day to day with the necessity of knocking out the things the Army requires me to do in a way that seems Christian, but it has no fragrance of Christ in it.

The challenge is reawakening to the thought of the true framework of the life God's given me. I live in a place where the balance of Heaven and Hell shakes as souls are continually be pulled and tugged from one direction to another. I have been lulled asleep by the concerns of my own life that I have failed to realize the necessity to live for something greater today.

My heart beats with a pulse that must remain steadfast in remembering why I am here today... God may you begin to frame my life according to your will, your desires, and your hopes. I must learn to lean on you and help me to remember the truth of this life....may that always take precedence over the things I want.

Grow this heart to be one truly submissive to You...always...

From March 2007...the fight for my destiny

March 31, 2007
I’m sitting here at starbucks thinking and studying. The song by Switchfoot came on and it just hits me every time. I enjoy the lyrics and it symbolizes a lot of my own experience in life. It is the inherent wishes and dreams that are expressed in my own heart, but yet realizing how futile they can become.

I salivate at the anticipation of such things. Those desires of this world that make you believe happiness is just around the corner waiting to embrace you, but all I’m left is with an uncertainty that its just not suppose to be this way. The first verse speaks about this old man tracking him home and gave him a crooked smile. There was something about him that didn’t seem right. There was a vague familiarity again enticing the heart. Promises and dreams of attaining our dreams and desires to be fully satisfied.

So it is perhaps here that we find ourselves in this predicament. We relunctantly succumb ourselves to that man, the promises that arise from a longing of our hearts to be desired. We believe we know what it is that will fulfill us, but that initially uneasiness is replaced by the growing expectations of things to come. We’re able to ignore the moments of sanity where our hearts tell us it isn’t right because we’ve invested so much of ourselves. I know and I understand. Those dreams of satisfying those around me, wanting the fame, wanting to be known, I want it all. I want to be rich, I want everything! But even as I write that, I know that I don’t. I live in this contradictory sense of wants and knowledge.

“I began to scream, I don’t think this is me, is this just a dream or really happening” I think that’s point where we face reality and we realize that this is me. I am but a dream wisked away in a fantasy of beliefs. I live in the fragile existence of what was created by our own dreams, our own desires, fooled by our own hearts, but wondering how to get out? We are sold out and we are lost. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to be unsure of everything….feeling as if this world is so fluid with no stable ground to keep my feet into. Everything feels like quicksand, slowly sinking into this abyss of hopelessness. When will it change? Why do I feel so powerless? I am all words and thoughts, but no substance? Even the substance lacks substance because I sold myself out in order to gain such substance. Integrity can be sold for the cheapest of price to attain the greater treasures this world seduces us with. I am not one who speaks in victory, but one who has encountered the depravity of myself to find the longing only grows greater.

“I woke up as before, but the gold was gone, my wife was at the door, with a nightrobe on, my heart beat once or twice, and life flooeded my veins, everything has changed, my lungs had found their voice, what was once routine was now the perfect joy”

The question that is to be asked of all of us is when will we wake up? I think is what it means for things to “click” We wake up, metaphorically we are unplugged from the matrix and see reality as it and from there we are able to find true reality and true understanding.

Because as much as I want those things. I want to be a famous speaker, a famous author, I want to be a war hero, I want to have fame, to be rich, I am ambitious, and my heart dreams of such fairly tales to exist. But what is the cost exacted from such pursuits? To what end will I sell myself out to attain such worth that will only drown in the existence of meaningless?

Because what I want more is me. I want to be me, not this abberation of me. This skewed perspective of my own needs finding immediate gratification for the things that my heart so desires. I dream more of my wife at the door with a bathrobe on...the reality that who we are today as men of God exist beyond the dreams of this world. Our own souls and lives are hanging in the balance of this economical exchange by which we subjects ourselves to daily depending on the choices we make. Each day we exact a cost that will determine the trajectory of our lives.

We have rationalized our lives and believe that logic will prevail. Inside we long for something greater, we feel the pulls on our hearts, but yet we ignore them for the triumph of logic, but I warn that it is in this arena we have forgotten about God. Our hearts are calloused to the Holy Spirit. The Hound of Heaven is consistently pursuing us yet we only find God in the means by which we can attain our desires. God becomes a role player in the story we’re writing about ourselves. God becomes our subject and we become God. The problem is God is God and we are not. This kind of belief seen in our actions will only continue to perpetuate the disillusionment we not only see but experience in our lives. A consistent wonderment of why we are so disconnected, but the very fact is we have chosen disconnectedness b/c we don’t want to submit to God.

1 John 5:2-4 “This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even ou faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who blieves that Jesus si the son of God.”

Wondering what kind of man I'm becoming....

Jude 20-24 "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Be merciful to those who doubt, snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear--- hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh."

So tonight I went with Ryan to see this crazy movie about the holocaust and it focuses on the child of this commandant who's in charge of a concentration camp. Through it, the child befriends a jewish child there and is confused at the circumstances that are surrounding him.... in it he questions his father's goodness as he sees so many inconsistencies.

There was one scene that stood out to me....it was where the father and mother are fighting and the little boy goes up to his older sisters bed and she covers his ears and holds him...

When I see something like that, there is something in my soul that cringes...it wants to leap out to protect while at the same time comfort. Something inside of me also digs in a deeper resolution that there are things in this life that mustn't become me if that makes sense.

Each decision, each choice, the way we perceive the life before us becomes the sinews by which the fiber of our character is being weaved in and out of. The tapesty that is laid before us in the life we are living and have lived, and in each weave becomes the life we will become....in one measure it is a scary thought, in another, its a curious one where often times we have that opportunity to change the pattern of what we see behind us to forge what is to come.

On a very pragmatic sense, I wonder at this moment, what kind of man am I becoming? Am I a man that a son would look up to with pride and admiration...would he see a life worth following, a life to admire.....the real question is when he sees me, would he see a broken man being put together in Christ's image and character.

I had at once thought that being a great man would be one measured by the accomplishments of his life. When you hear of other great men, you hear of their great achievements, their sacrifices and their impact on history and society.

I wonder if these men really did miss the one thing..... what is that one thing?

It is epitomized in the great commandment of loving God and loving others....through relationships we build meaning, through accomplishments we bring a sense of faltering significance.

A couple days ago, my father said he is praying for me....and it was an epiphany at that moment where the simple truth hit me like a ton of bricks....

Life is truly about the relationships we have......the moments we share, express and take in...

God help me live this life in relationship with you always...walk with me, lead me, guide me, use me, be with me....I want to continue to grow in love and passion the way Christ was soo passionate and loving towards me..... this life I give it all to you.....again and again...

33 Miles - One Life to Love
He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road\
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....

Simmering Thoughts (19 May 2007)

Simmering Thoughts

Its been awhile since my heart has really been gripped by a vision of my own. I have to say that there was a bit of rebirth while I was on vacation reflecting back upon my own life. I wonder to where will it go and what is God's vision for me. On the plane, I got an opportunity to read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and it really struck a chord with me. Here's a man who was around my age when he decided to plant a church. His principles are relatively simple and his ability to reach the lost is tremendous.

I dream of such a place and community where those who are in need can find rest, joy and salvation. I wonder what that would look like? I have my inklings and yet there's a growing frustration at the state of the church right now as a whole. When will it become a place where those who are in need find true salvation? I don't know, but I do dream.

I have been getting pursued to take on a youth group recently. Its been weird and yet somehow stimulating to see that I am wanted. I am reminded time and time again how the harvest is great but the workers are few. This also led to a conversation I had with my brother Chris on the trip. He spoke about how there are so few men of God that women often settle for less than they ought to. I chewed on that statement a bit and realized that the burden does fall upon men as much as we blame the women for this and that, the men take the onus of the responsibility. In a general sense, I stand unashamed and unafraid as I realize God calling me to be a man of God. By far, nothing is more attractive...as Chris said, Jason, woman will be lining up to want to marry you. ha ha ha...gotta love that encouragement. And then he said that in light of the fact that there are such few men these days.

This got me on the stirring of my heart recently as I was watching Blood Diamond, the desire for adventure, the greater meaning and fulfillment and how the things of our society has become such an imprisonment to chase the very core of the heart that has filled men through the ages. The movie made me want to go to Iraq and Afghanistan, to experience life in such a setting and to serve my fellow American soldiers. I want to minister in a place of great darkness as there is so much meaning in this place for light to exist. I desire to taste the sweetness of the gospel be given to a life that has no hope, to see the hope arise in such a life to live for the greatest desire that is ultimately meant for their life. It is glorious!

All in all, I have seen that I am a man that dreams dreams far greater than I can accomplish at the moment. Each day is a brick that provides a piece of that dream a reality in this life or the next. I am unsure if I will ever fully finish such dreams, or if I am just laying the foundation for future generations to build upon.

As I live, I live with intentionality to build God's kingdom here today. The decisions I make and the paths I take are to fully form into the man God has made me to be. I will know that new risks and new challenges will arise, but I do not deny the truly transforming nature that occurs when I walk in faith with Him who is forming me through the days of my life.

I apologize but then again I don't apologize for the way your lives might be affected b/c of mine. Who knows what life would be like if I didn't exist or didn't take risks? I don't know, but only the future will begin to show what will happen as I do take such steps to follow my God as faithfully as He enables me. My only hope is that you' all come for the ride. It'll be a crazy one, but it'll be one that will be for the ages.

I speak abstract but hopefully such ideas will become dreams that breathe passion into tangible expressions for the glory of God.

Second Chances....

I feel like my life has been a pattern of falling down, getting back up, taking a couple of steps and following down again....sometimes those falls cause me to get some rug burns, other times bruised knees, and sometimes it makes me just want to give up.

I see in John 21:15-25 where Jesus reinstates Peter. The irony is the fact that the gospels ends with this message at hand. In our failures, Christ is able to reinstate us...and the fact is not b/c we deserve it, but because Jesus loves us.

So in the culmination of the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, this story wraps it up as the last message and often those last things you say are the most powerful and potent words.

It is not this glorious chance of being more sucessful in the world's eyes that Jesus grants Peter, but it is the opportunity to show Jesus that he loves Him. Isn't that interesting...that it isn't about the accomplishments, it isn't about how sucessful you are, but in the end, those relationships are the things that matter and they matter to Jesus.

Even in the midst of the conversation, Jesus gives Peter a glimpse of what an opportunity to love Christ would cost him. v. 18-19 paint a costly picture of that....but when in love, the cost does not matter.

I've been reading this book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it comes with this idea that our life and our response to Christ comes from a deep well of love that is replenished by every glimpse of the Cross...

As I look forward to this life, it is learning to depend on Christ work in me and through me, knowing that even in the times I fall, He always reinstates me, He always gives me a second chance, and perhaps that is the greatest lesson to be learned through the gospels. Jesus' grace is more than enough....not to aim for success necessarily, but to be reconciled to Christ no matter how great our sins are....they are never too great to separate us from the love of Christ.

Jesus is not looking for results, but He's looking for love, and perhaps that is the continual paradigm shift I must seek in my own life. I'm not here to produce results for an organzition or grow a better resume, but it is learning to love and learning to offer Christ example to reinstate those and to reconcile those to Christ. This is my call, this is my responsibility and I won't ever be able to grow to that point until I truly believe in the reinstatement that Christ has done for me, each moment of failure, becomes the catalyst of growth into another moment of grace....

The dryness of our throats desiring an unquenchable grace to fill us, so they we might not become insecure, but find true security in knowing that Jesus is always with us, guiding us, providing for us, and leading us...no need to fear, for He's always with me and will never forsake me.

Reinstate me Jesus to be reconciled to Your heart and lay my sins at the foot of the cross so the guilt and shame would be washed away and all I would see is your face.... for I know even a glimpse will change for me for eternity. This is my cry....this is my prayer!

Shephers and Sheep

Ezekiel 34: 11-12 "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a sheperd looks after his scattered flock when he is withem, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the plces wehre they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.

Ezekiel 34:14-15 "I will tend them in a good pasture and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd teh flock with justice."

Ezekiel 34:29-31 "I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops, and they will no longer be victims of famine in the land or bear the scorn of the nations. Then they will know that I, the Lord their God, am with them and that they the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Sovereign Lord. You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign Lord."

I feel that these verses resonate the heart of God. Chapter 34 of Ezekiel speaks of the failure of man and the redemption of God. This continual mantra is seen throughout the Bible and it is always a reminder in my life not to rest on my successes or failures, but to rest on the redeeming power of my Savior.

I pray that as I grow through this time of training, that Jesus would grant me His heart and His eyes to see this world. Surrounded by so much that is counterintuitive in this world, I find myself clinging on the meditations of Proverbs 4 in allowing God to direct my steps and to guard my heart completely.

I wonder about this world and about this life that God has given me. I sit here in a barracks in Ft. Benning, GA pondering the future not of only myself, but my peers, my sheep that God has entrusted, my parents, and so many....... I sit here with so many questions, so many thoughts, so much.....wondering....thinking....and I suppose there's a moment you have to give all that up and trust God...a moment where its just too much.

I'm just not there yet, I'm letting it weigh me down, letting it get to me and I just cling to it....its like that point of maturity where you're able to let go of that security blanket and realize you don't need it anymore. Or maybe its the time when you're riding the bike with the training wheels on it and finally your parents take them off.

You step on to the bike with butterflies crashing into your stomach lining and questions upon questions of what is going to happen... you visualize this thought of falling, scraping your knee..or even worse, not being able to break and getting racked by the handle bars....

But you hear a voice in the background....you turn around a second and see your father stare back at you with that stern confidence that comes from weathering so many storms. His determination becomes your determination, his resolve becomes imbedded into your DNA, and with that you look out and you go....

You go with the confidence of that Father, and that is my hope as I look at my Shepherd, as a scared sheep, that I would learn to run with the confidence of my father, that His resolve would become imbedded in this spiritual DNA of mine and manifest itself in a way that others see Christ in me!

God grant me the strength, the joy and the freedom, but most of all, help me to remember the grace by which I am saved....Thank you always!!!

Our debts have been paid...

Do you know that feeling where you feel like you've been had...  Its like everytime you see that person, you know they owe you something and they know it too.  They always seem to not be where they should be and avoiding you and inside you feel this monster come to life.  All of a sudden someone you hadn't thought much about becomes your consuming thought, and its incredible how your heart turns so ugly so quickly.  Or maybe that person you use to think about so highly all of a sudden drops to your negative list where all you can see is their flaws...whether its how they chew their food, their random idiosyncracies...whatever it might be...

Its like a nagging feeling that you can't get rid of, but you know you should...and the more you feel like you should get over it, the more than monster just feeds and grows inside of you...

Why do we have that feeling?  I believe that much of life is not waiting on others to act according to our parameters to make us feel better, but learning to have perspective that is beyond this world so that we may learn to understand what is going on this world.

I wonder if our anxiety stems from our own necessity to feel like we have to pay back debts that we owe.  You know what its like....we see in classicly portrayed in the movies, where that one character has run into gambling debt and tries to cash in on all his friends to pay that big debt and is rushing frantically around b/c he doesn't want to lose an appendiage.

I think that's me spiritually.  I allow other people's actions to be colored in a way where I feel like I'm owed something.  The more I try to let it go, the more I get consumed by it and I find the only way to get pass it for me is to learn to find debt forgiveness by the one who has already paid it for me.

My anxiety and bitterness grows as I grow apart from God b/c I forget that my debt has been paid so I'm looking for others to cash in on.  However, as I approach Christ, I have to confront the ugliness of my own debt and the costly price by which it was bought for....Sometimes I want to scream, God NO!!!!!!  I don't want you to, You don't deserve it!!!  I have to learn, I have to pay it, I have to bear the punishment......

Then the sweetness of His voice always captures me...He says, "Son, you will never be able to pay back a debt so great, and you will only learn once you learn to accept my grace...."  Slowly, I hand over my debts again that I desparately try to hide from God....feeling so ashamed with the tears slowly rolling over my cheek, my lips quiver...and I can't help but to feel so worthless.... and once again His voice speaks, "Son, you are my child, you are forgiven and free....always remember to live that way so others can be reminded of the privledge to be called a child of God....You don't have to pay me back, but live out who you are...."

And so I look back into the face of my Savior, and the guilt turns into joy, the pain turns into inspiration, and I am back again...God, you never fail, you're always the same, you are amazing God!

Rush of Fools - Freedom Begins Here

You think you're all alone

When everybody knows

We all have the scars inside

That tear us apart after night

Is this where you are?

Step out to the light 

Come outside

Step out to the day

It'll be okay

We're all the same, don't be afraid

Let your freedom begin

Let your freedom begin here

Goodbye

Gone are the days

We buy the lie.

But we're not right, we're not right 

Is this where you are?

All the secrets we keep 

Are making us

Who we don't wanna be

It's killing us

Like we're drowning in a sea

Just coming up

We're just coming up for air

Tell me are you there?

The preciousness of today and the hairyness of the past

Do you remember that phrase..."back in the good old days..."  Its so casually thrown around as you gather with people you shared so much with....a similar history, experience, or whatnot...

Sometimes its easy to get stuck there....to get so caught up in the nostalgia of the past to forget the treasures of today.  Memories become catalyst to grow into tomorrow, not stationary places to live in.  Its amazing how my memories sometimes become so unlike the reality out of which they were born out of.  I can look back on Basic Training with a certain fondness, the memories, the friendship, but if you were to ask that person back then what he was experiencing....I was lonely, sad, and wondering if I made the right decision.

The truth is everything is 20/20 in hindsight....but the question isn't whether that is true or not, but it is how we deal with the presentness of our lives.  It is the way we live today that matters for that shapes tomorrow and brings honor to yesterday.

As we reminisce, things aren't going to be how they were....

Its painful b/c life isn't static, b/c it ebbs and flows, life continues...time continues although our hearts don't want to.  The fact that time continues means that we aren't who we were and things aren't the way they were.

Sometimes the hardest part of the past is learning to make it the past.  Living in the reality that the pain, the joy, all of it is part of something that cannot be recaptured, but only in flashes of emotion and thought.

I've learned that learning to make the past the past is one of the greatest steps in growing.  It helps us to not make it tomorrow, thereby giving us the freedom to live in today.  So as Rob Bell states in one of his Noomas...

If you have to remember, remember, grieve, then grieve, apologize, but give yourself that opportunity to do so.

so you don't miss a thing on this day.....

there's a certain kind of despair when we're still holding on to the way things were, our arms aren't free to hold on to today...

God give me the freedom to heal from the wounds of yesterday, to not be so caught up in the worries of tomorrow, but trust in Your unfailing love....draw this child ever closer to understanding this great truth more and more through our relationship together.  Take me by the hand and lead me where you want me, help me to remember that this life is for you always...help this mist reek of your glory!

"Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the snese that the knowledge becomes a part of us.  We do not really know what it in the sense of living as though it were true.  On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever." Frederick Buechner

James 4:13-14  "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Philippians 1:21  "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."  -My prayer, my hope, my life...

A different perspective...

I just finished watching the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and I find it fitting as I reflect upon this summer and remembering the love theat God has shown so graiocusly to me. Its interesting how in so few months so many things change. And even in seeing God's gentle hand guide me, I can have relapses of forgetting the one that has done the work in me. I came from a sense of brokeness...lost and afraid, unsure and insecure...wondering if I royally messed up and staring at the reality of my life in my face. The difficulties of seeing it was overwhelming. Those days, I prayed ofr change....my prayers were formed under the context of desiring that the situation around me change. I didn't want to change, but I pleaded with God to change the circumstances. His gentle no became the greatest blessing as I realized in those moments of heart wrenching yelling that the circumstances did change. I had lived my life with the knowledge of God, even experiencing Him every so often, but in these moments that the days went by....it was only with Him that I was able to get through it all.

As He filled me, I sensed even my prayers changing. All I could ask is not for the circumstances to change, but that I would see His purposes through the circumstances. The desire was to change and be a better man. Perhaps it was prayer that fell too short for the aim He desired for me. My own self-fulfillment and realization became a goal, but one that only centered around me. In my heart, I knew there must be more....

He was the potter and I was the clay, Jesus was shaping not only me to a better man, but me into Him. From those prayers 8 years ago, questioning whether He really exist to now....I had asked if He did, that He would give me a heart after His own. That He would shape this self-centered heart to reflect the selfless heart of Christ. That His name and not my own would be known and the people that would see me would see an amazing God who is able to do amazing things through those that offer their lives to Him.

As I look forward to see what God is gonna do, I can't help but feel my heart lurch a bit in expectation of the blessings God has for me.  I was reminded today to keep all doors open to allow God to move in the way He wants to move in my life.  Each moment that I took this uncertain hands to give over a portion of my future to Jesus, I had in my heart that certain sense of angst, but each time I look back, I cannot believe how good He has been to me.  May you help me to continually hand this life over to You, my maker, my Father, my Savior....