Feel....

Do you know that feeling where your heart is pounding and your palms get sweaty and a million thoughts are racing through your head but you can't actually catch one of them because they are going beyond the speed limit, and then it drops like a bomb, the bad news......it hits and your heart shatters into a million pieces leaving you almost numb to the actual reality of what happened.

I remember one time I got mad b/c my mom told me to lock the car door after I shut it and so I locked it and then slammed it on my finger.... the moments as my mom let out a blood-curdling scream and ran to the car to unlock it were the moments where I knew when I saw it, the pain would be amplified by every push of my heart beating..... but there was a moment where I felt no pain, the blood seem to go out of my head and my world started spinning off a different axis...

I remember this quote I thought of...."Physical pain may hurt for a moment, but emotional pain scars for a lifetime..." and this thought led to another quote from a movie, "Wounds are the roadmap to a person's heart."

So as I share this, what am I to think of all this? The hurts and pain we feel, the numbness we desire when we are going through the midst of it and what do we do with all of it?

As Matthew Elliot says:

"I have come to believe that our emotions were given to us by God to drive us to our best."
"I have come to believe that emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives."
"I have come to believe that emotions give us a window to see truth like nothing else."

"I have come to believe that the true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel."

I believe certain struggles come in our lives to break us from the walls that keep us from feeling the depths of emotions that God desires of us and our hearts. So much of the struggles of our lives force us to build walls within us so we don't have to deal with the reality of the pain, or perhaps the walls are there so all we can do is deal with the pain. I think the hardest part of going through struggles is that it requires us to trust God b/c the struggle is always greater than what we can handle on our own. So the temptation is to "deal" with it on our own by creating walls to manage the pain, while what God desires is to take the brokenness of our souls and to knit it in a way that redeems our brokenness.

The freedom to begin to feel comes to our ability to feel secure. It is here where I found that I had to take steps of faith to believe that God can be counted on. I always knew it intellectually, but I never took the step of faith required to actually live out in His love and in His trust. This summer demanded that I made a decision to either do so or not, and I am so thankful that I did. As God continues to overwhelm me with His love, I have come to agreement with the quote, that our relationship with God is correlated with our ability to feel our heart which is one of the most precious gifts He's given us.

When I am doing spiritually well, the smallest things trigger an overflow of emotion and expression that used to make me wonder about my manhood until I came to terms that who I am is who I am!!!

I guess I end with things song...because it reminds me of those difficult days of bottling in everything. This season is a time to take all that I've held to the cross and to give to Christ freely what He chose to die for.

Building 429 - No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

I will rise

Micah 7:8-9, 7:18-19 (NIV)
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness."

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.

19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

As these reflect my heart and the shimmer of truth that is beginning to gleam through the hazy of this past summer. The difficulties, the trials, the tests, each knocking down another pillar by which I so desparately clung to as my own security, my own sense of control, my necessity to hold on so tightly. Each area that I cared to not give up, God slowly and painfully tore my grip upon them. As I was left grasping, wondering, uncertain, I found myself naked. In the things I found so much confidence and comfort, I now was left to wonder...does God really care? That question pounded at my soul daily as I managed to struggle through the difficulties of this summer.

With my hands left empty, I was tempted to grab at the dirt of the ground violently and shake my fist at God who seemed to be wanting to take away everything I loved. He left me heartbroken and scared....what was to be of this life? How was I suppose to endure? The clarity I wanted kept on turning into mud with each fist full of dirt I shook at my creator.

And it was in a desert God brought Himself. Those hands that were left empty with nothing but wounds were slowly beginning to heal into scars. Each scar became a reminder of the road my Redeemer walked for me. I stared at my hands that were healing only to find the heart inside breaking with an indescribable love. A love that can only be tasted at the bitter taste of desperation...a love so consuming, that the hands that clutched the dirt, slowly lifted up...it was the moment of broken submission....it was the culmination of years of frustration, years of hurt, years of wanting to be more finding a purpose and sense of healing in letting them go to Jesus.

Yes, it was this moment I had been waiting for....to no longer hold on to this sorrow....this pain....this guilt.... No more feelings of letting others down, not being more than I could be..... it was the bondage of years upon years of repression being let free... a second chance, and a need to live out this redemption.....yes, it was this moment....a Holy moment....

Jesus had arrived in a way that my eyes had been reawakened to a greater passion and a deeper understanding. It was more that a feeling, more than a perspective shift, it was an awakening. As alluded to the past of the great awakenings in the historical context of the 1800's in American Christniaity, my heart found its own great awakening...

So I sit here in such joy for life and the life God's given me... The hands that tried so hard to attain what I needed to attain, to ensure that I got what I got have come 3/4 circle to a place where I'm learning to trust God in both His timing and His provision. I no longer have to prove that I am worthy, for Christ has deemed us worthy by His sacrifice. I don't have to fight in the ways I used to fight to try to be somebody because in Christ, in daily obedience I will continue to grow in the man He has created me to be. This identity as a child has also given me full access to a God that fills that void that is spoken about in Ecclesiastes "....eternity is set in the hearts of men..." His love is the only love that can fill me and satisfy me and daily I find myself running into the arms of my Savior so thankful for this love.....only praying that I could share it at whatever cost to all...

I am unsure of what the next steps will bring. However, I am sure that regardless of what happens, that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. He will uphold me and walk with me...even through the valley of the shadow of death....and shadows can only be formed in the presence of light, and that light will always be there.

Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb" (x2)

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise