thoughts on this crazy heart....

I don't know if too many episodes of house is drawing up this random thoughts...but just had to lay some things out on the table. I wonder about this crazy thing called "relationships." Over the years, I've felt the pain of loss and rejection while also feeling the joy that relationships bring. How is it that one is to grieve the losses? How do we deal with these pains? What are we to do with the emotions and residual left over in our hearts... Somewhere the cup that we contained all of this spills....or an incident causes it to shake so a little bit spills out.... But all the while we're still holding that cup of crazy emotions, of messed up feelings...and we are so desparately trying to push down the lid and tell the world that everything is ok....that I am ok...

But am I? Am I really ok? I wonder if our desire to be opaque to the rest of the world is exactly what is killing us from really being transparent to ourselves. As House says, "Everybody lies..." and sometimes it is the lies to ourselves that are damaging our souls the most. Perhaps we are way too concerned about what everybody else thinks about us that we can't have clarity on how we think of ourselves. We drive forward, like a soldier marching continuously, step by step...being hypnotized by the cadence, and we never stop to think why we're marching but all we know is that life must move forward so we do.

So the real question is how do we progress? How do we move on? What does it really mean to move on? What do these flashing moments indicate about our hearts, our lives?

I think sometimes that remind us that we're human....that we have souls, that we have pain, and that ultimately we're always in need of a Savior. I remember a character in a movie saying, "Scars are the roadmap to a person's soul..." I wonder if our response to those scars in our lives determine the destination of our soul?

I suppose my latest episode reveals much about me and where my relationship with God is. Lately, I have found this uncertainty residing in me.... so much of life I live with a certainty and I pursue with a precision passion, but as I find myself distant from God, I find my own sense of self a bit erratic and unsure...... not really on solid ground. Not to say that things are horrible, but just distant...

Its funny b/c when you share that, people are always quick to jump on the bandwagon of solutions....perhaps that is why I selfishly like journaling, b/c there isn't anyone to interrupt your thought process, but just a blank template by which you can paint what is going on in your soul.

Maturity is growing in understanding of one self and coming to accept it....or at least that's how I would like to define it. Anyways....enough random thoughts for the night.....perhaps some more coherent solution tomorrow...but yea...its like the guy on PBS who looks like he's smoked way too many joints and needs a comb to tame his hair or at least tease it....but he starts painting what is suppose to be a beautiful landscape, but ends up being just a blob of colors.... that is where this painting is tonight...hopefully by the turn of the new year, it shall look like something...*crossing fingers*

From a wounded healer...

"....However in the middle of all fragmentation one image slowly arose as the focus of all considerations: the image of the wounded healer. This image was last in coming. After all attempts to articulate the predicament of modern man, the necessity to articulate the predicament of the minister himself became most important. For the minister is called to recognize the suffereings of his time in his own heart and make that recognition the starting point of his service. Whether he tries to enter into a dislocated world, relate to a convulsive generation, or speak to a dying man, his service will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the suffering about which he speaks. Thus nothing can be written about ministry without a deeper understanding of the ways in which the minister can make his own wounds available as a source of healing." p.xvi (The Wounded Healer)

The quotes underneath only help to spurn myself into understanding that the wounds that are endured through life cannot be healed by mere mortal hands. Each wound inflicted upon a soul must also need a divine healing by which God has authority over. In a more simplistic way of understanding this, it is not until we fully submit our own hurts and worries to Christ that we find true freedom in living. Our desires to find a cure for the pain that resonates deep in our soul cannot come from the cause of that pain. Just as much so, that a gun that has pierced the flesh of a person cannot be the source by which that wound is healed. However, I have seen how our society in general and ourselves often follow that same logic. We look at those that have hurt us the greatest with this endearing hope that those same people will be the ones that will bring the healing upon the wounds they inflicted. However, this will never bring true healing to those hurts. In our flawed hands, we find that as much as we do want to help others, our own intentions can hurt others in the process of trying to help them. So the question becomes, what do we do? How can we help? What about those we've hurt and care about so much?
The grim reality is that we will never be able to heal those wounds on our own. As much as we can give and give, it will never be enough for the one that has been hurt. In our own hopelessness we turn to Christ who is able to bring life and break those chains of unforgivness. God is the author and perfecter of our faith. It is He who is able to bless and cure, change and soften the hearts.

This is where the wounded healer begins to emerge. In my own pain, I am able to relate to a generation that sees pain as its God. It is these measures, that God has called me to step beyond and to claim Christ once again for not only myself, but for this generation. As much as we focus on these wounds, we have failed to realize that...

Romans 8:37-39 "37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

It is the love of Christ that brings ultimate healing to the soul. It is seen in glimpses through the love that is shown in this world. Even in our own falleness, I find that there is still a great capacity for many to exemplify such a love that can transcend the wounds of generations. These, in themselves have been dignified through the lives of Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Ghandi, and many others who fought with love against the hatred and bitterness that can poison the wounds that are inflicted through life.

As for myself, I find this own predicament to be one that I will constantly battle for a lifetime. It is the burden given by God to men to understand His heart. All of my life, I have ran away from such a burden. I allowed my own fears and my own feelings of inadequacy to rule over my own consciousness. This imprisoned me into such a life that kept me from being the man that God had always envisioned me to be. Once released from that burden, understanding who I am in Christ, I have one more step to truly mature into a leader and a man. This is the understanding of life that often has been nulified by our generation through such blurring of lines and distinctions of God's own intentions. In my woundedness, God has given me the ability to relate with those from our generation. Through this experience, God has shown me the way to overcome the hurts and pains and find true freedom in the very life that I live. It is the liberation that comes from understanding what life is really about. Life isn't meant to be lived in a manner by which we avoid all hardships or bubble ourselves in a place where we cannot experience hurt, but it is the understanding that through these pains, we grow closer into understanding the heart of Christ. Our own sufferings show us the greater joy in the life He's given us and it points to the hope that we ought to live for. Christ himself had such aches and pains in His heart for the very people that sent Him to the cross. I will soon experience similar pains as God calls me to lead His people. Many times I will not get what I deserve and more times than not, my heart will bleed for those who will never know. The question is who will I go to for comfort and rest? Who will heal those hurts that I experience.

Hebrews 10:17b-23 " "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."[c] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. 19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. "

It is Christ where we find true healing and it is through this understanding that I will be able to place my confidence in Him. We will hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful. How great is that promise and the hope we can cling on to. Even when hurts and pains wound the heart, and unforgiveness taps at our doorsteps we find Jesus calling to our hearts knowing and understanding the very situations and being able to empathize with us. In Him we have true victory and all that was holding us in bondage is shattered through His amazing grace and love. This is the gospel message once again showing that the life we have been given is one of great power and worth. Although, it cannot be measured in terms of this world's measurements, it is able to be seen through the lives changed and the hearts invested in the very things that will matter for an eternity.

I do believe that when one heart turns to God, all of eternity shakes with immeasurable joy.

He meets me where I'm at....

He meets us where We're at....

Philippians 3:12-16 "12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

I remember a long time ago praying this prayer that continues to "haunt" me today. It was a message I heard a long time ago speaking about King David. One of the distinguishing marks about King David was that he had a heart after God's own heart. What an amazing gift that is!!! And so during a dry period of my own faith freshman year of college, I prayed to God that He would grow a heart after His own in me. My oh my, how faithful God is to those kinds of prayers...and b/c of it, I would have to say that I have been placed in positions that have forced me to go completely against my own nature.

In Romans 7, Paul speaks about how our sinful nature often takes over and we allow that to guide our actions while the Godly nature God has for our own hearts only exists in our head and it takes time for it to become part of the new nature God is forming in us. The key word is definitely "forming."

Philippians 2:1-8

"1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"

This is the amazing thing about Jesus Christ is that He not only saw our situations but He put himself in our shoes. It is a phrase that we often remark here and there, but the challenge for all of us is to not just put ourselves in another person's shoes....but to get into their heart and see through their eyes. It is almost to become that person to see their perspective.

I know that in relationships, I have had the tendency of just placing myself in their position. Of course I wouldn't come up with any sort of compassion because I still have my heart as I look at their position. My judgements and my logic still made sense except that I stood in their position and wondered why the heck they didn't see it the way I saw it. Funny how that is?

The increasing challenge is not to only put myself in their shoes, but to almost become them in the situation they are in and usually one that I precipiatetd through my own actions. Christ Himself did this very thing for me. He did not just put Himself in my shoes, but looked at my situation through my eyes and saw the hopelessness that was in the world that I'm in. Without Him, I cannot say for certain I would be here today. So seeing my situation, He provided hope for me through the cross.

So the question that I ponder today is not that I just understand people's situations, but am I being Christ to them? Am I taking the time to see through their eyes, to feel through their hearts? This is the next challenge I face and one that God is continually confronting me with.... Its funny because until this moment of reflection comes, there grows a continual frustration with people...a wondering why they don't see the world as I do... and so I force myself to be patient, to try to be more understanding, to hold my tongue and in it all I just find myself trying......so hard....and growing so disillusioned....

Perhaps the goal is not to try so hard, but it is to start being Christ to others. And as Christmas time approaches, the place that I need to start first is to learn through Christ's example of being born into a world He didn't have to. He endured what wasn't fair and sacrificed so much for a cause so few believed in...

And the question that pounds like a migraine is why!?......Why? Christ....for an obstenite group of people...why!? For the people that would spit in your face why? For the people that would stone you, that would whip you?....for the disciples that would turn their back on you? Why?!.....for what reason would compel you to go to such extreme to save a people that would have no regard for you!?...

Is that not the million dollar question!? Is that not the reason we find our own thoughts continually hit a road block?! A love incomprehensible...one that does not make sense... it literally sits in defiant of logic....as to rebel against even the nature of own our understanding...how are we to interpret such a love?

It only continues to plague my own heart....for God, the creator of this universe could have chosen any way to save this world...a plan of redemption, a carpenter's son, a group of rag tag fisherman and other ho-hums of society....3 years, a life or ridicule, unbelief.....to the son of the creator, the created laughed, prodded, made fun of, plotted against, conived...against the only son, the created chose to crucify and so I stand in wonder, in mystery, in humility not knowing how to react or how to comprehend...

Jesus why.....and it is here, in the face of his very torturers He pleads for their forgiveness....in the moments leading to his death, He pleads for those that are going to crucify Him....but why?!

There this mantra or theme God has placed on my heart this past quarter. "God meets us where we're at..." And I have to say that God is revealing this in so many ways. He meets me where I'm at....often times on a broken road....so far away...with my head down wondering if all of "this" really matters. Wandering through the forest of my frustrations.....going through the path of my situations wondering where this is all going to lead? Taking one step forward....feeling the bitter chill of the wind hit my bones and the leaves rustling around me. Is this a path that God had lead me to or am I just walking alone...

Jesus meets us where we're at. He meets me on this path.....He meets me in this road where my wounded heart cries for comfort, where my chilled bones seek warmth...the desire to curl up in front of a fire having the flames radiant the soothing heat into my despondant soul. A lick of warmth lights the flicker of hope that becomes rekindled....God meets me where I'm at....

But was it necessary to go such extremes? Why the harshest of situations...does He know my heart that well? Does he know how hard it would be for me to believe in His love for me. Perhaps it in the recollection of the brutality that He faced that my heart can find comfort that His love goes beyond even the cruelest of people. His forgivness breaks through the barriers of doubt and I can find security in that. His desire to go so far was His desire to show me that His love is beyond my own actions of hurting him. I cannot put into doubt the love that He has for me regardless of what I do, say or think. Even to the point of crucifixtion, His love is made available.

I do believe that as Christ prayed and took up the daunting task of being the Savior of the world, He took a glimpse into my own life. I am convinced that He had to. He understood our situation and He understood how desperate our hearts would be for a Savior. I know that I am oh so thankful so many days when I don't think I'm going to quite make it. He meets us where we're at...and so in doing so, the place we meet Him is at the cross...The cross reminds us that He meets us where we're at...it reminds us that His work has made us complete, and we don't have to try so hard anymore...

The cross also reminds me that the challenege in following Christ is to meet others where they're at. It does not matter what is fair or unfair...what is right or wrong, or if I got hurt or not, but what matters is seeing the other person through their situation, heart and circumstances. Often my heart turns from indignant righteousness to humbled brokeness....and perhaps it is in this place that God is forming my heart after His. It is in the moments where I want to exert my own righteousness, where I want to feel like my way is better than someone else's, it is where I want to scream...."What about my situation....what about mE!!!!...its not FAIR....." God gently reminds me that God has called me to love Him and His people. I do not have to seek fairness or love from others but I am called to provide it to others. I am called to die to myself and take up my cross daily...not to wait for someone else to take this cross for me...God has called me to love His people irregardless of the fact that I am loved or that anyone sees my perspective.

A Broken Love....

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I have to say that when it comes to loving, especially after having a broken heart it is so hard to love again. There's a sense of rationale that tells you exactly to do what C.S. Lewis warns us about. I've been there and I've realized that it is much more of an escape from the present reality then an understanding and acknowledgement of God's sovereignty.

Isn't funny how when it just doesn't go your way, you start questioning God? Are you there? What's even more suprising is to realize that there's something deep inside of you that actually encourages those thoughts. It brings justification to whatever you defenses you choose to put up.

There's much I have to say, but one thing I know is that I understand. God has revealed to me how judgemental I am. Superficially, I have masked it in an false-encompassing acceptance of others, but once I see one judgemental person, I burn!!

I am judgemental against judgemental people, I'm unloving towards unloving people, and the list goes on and on. Only in my logical justificatino, does this continue to persist with a self-righteousness. The great unfortunate loss that I have failed to realize but have come to see in reflection is that in each of those attitudes, I only perpetuated each of the qualities in those that I pressed upon them. How foolish the human heart can be?! It is a fair warning to express that the Word of God is needed to correct my thinking and to put me back into a place where I can be used to reconcile this world to Christ instead of alienating it even further to destruction.

Why has God put such an onus on us who seem so incapable? I would have to reply, "Ask Him?", but in my own ability to conjecture, the acknowledgement of truth in the statements above about our influence upon those we're surrounded by gives us a glimpse to the ultimate logic that says if we who are so prone to do such things are capable to overcome to be Christ, then how much more will the world glorify Him?

For the ease of God to do such things seems well...Godly, but for the unGodly to be Godly and for the angry to be loving and for the hurtful to be renewed is a demonstration of a greater power which ultimately points to the power that enables us.

I believe healing starts at the cross and at the cross begins the healing. For the path to the cross is the acknowledgement that we need Him and He is able. Any other sense of healing and forgiveness will be felt, but I feel will be shortchanged, b/c Christ is love, and anything else is selling ourselves short of the love that can be experiencing in healing and in life itself.

Condition of my heart....

I've realized how easy it is for my heart to just coast through life. As I assess where I'm at today with Christ, I realize how far my heart is from Him. In His grace, I had the opportunity to be blessed through a song by Casting Crowns - While You Were Sleeping.... In it....I felt the gentle tug of God challenging me once again by His grace to take this life seriously.

I wonder if there's a necessity in my life to continually frame my life with the understanding of Christ. I'll try to elaborate, but basically, I think the thoughts of my life...are the things I have to do that day. I think of the tasks, pretty much my life extends to the point of "my life." In that sense, I've been living day to day with the necessity of knocking out the things the Army requires me to do in a way that seems Christian, but it has no fragrance of Christ in it.

The challenge is reawakening to the thought of the true framework of the life God's given me. I live in a place where the balance of Heaven and Hell shakes as souls are continually be pulled and tugged from one direction to another. I have been lulled asleep by the concerns of my own life that I have failed to realize the necessity to live for something greater today.

My heart beats with a pulse that must remain steadfast in remembering why I am here today... God may you begin to frame my life according to your will, your desires, and your hopes. I must learn to lean on you and help me to remember the truth of this life....may that always take precedence over the things I want.

Grow this heart to be one truly submissive to You...always...

From March 2007...the fight for my destiny

March 31, 2007
I’m sitting here at starbucks thinking and studying. The song by Switchfoot came on and it just hits me every time. I enjoy the lyrics and it symbolizes a lot of my own experience in life. It is the inherent wishes and dreams that are expressed in my own heart, but yet realizing how futile they can become.

I salivate at the anticipation of such things. Those desires of this world that make you believe happiness is just around the corner waiting to embrace you, but all I’m left is with an uncertainty that its just not suppose to be this way. The first verse speaks about this old man tracking him home and gave him a crooked smile. There was something about him that didn’t seem right. There was a vague familiarity again enticing the heart. Promises and dreams of attaining our dreams and desires to be fully satisfied.

So it is perhaps here that we find ourselves in this predicament. We relunctantly succumb ourselves to that man, the promises that arise from a longing of our hearts to be desired. We believe we know what it is that will fulfill us, but that initially uneasiness is replaced by the growing expectations of things to come. We’re able to ignore the moments of sanity where our hearts tell us it isn’t right because we’ve invested so much of ourselves. I know and I understand. Those dreams of satisfying those around me, wanting the fame, wanting to be known, I want it all. I want to be rich, I want everything! But even as I write that, I know that I don’t. I live in this contradictory sense of wants and knowledge.

“I began to scream, I don’t think this is me, is this just a dream or really happening” I think that’s point where we face reality and we realize that this is me. I am but a dream wisked away in a fantasy of beliefs. I live in the fragile existence of what was created by our own dreams, our own desires, fooled by our own hearts, but wondering how to get out? We are sold out and we are lost. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to be unsure of everything….feeling as if this world is so fluid with no stable ground to keep my feet into. Everything feels like quicksand, slowly sinking into this abyss of hopelessness. When will it change? Why do I feel so powerless? I am all words and thoughts, but no substance? Even the substance lacks substance because I sold myself out in order to gain such substance. Integrity can be sold for the cheapest of price to attain the greater treasures this world seduces us with. I am not one who speaks in victory, but one who has encountered the depravity of myself to find the longing only grows greater.

“I woke up as before, but the gold was gone, my wife was at the door, with a nightrobe on, my heart beat once or twice, and life flooeded my veins, everything has changed, my lungs had found their voice, what was once routine was now the perfect joy”

The question that is to be asked of all of us is when will we wake up? I think is what it means for things to “click” We wake up, metaphorically we are unplugged from the matrix and see reality as it and from there we are able to find true reality and true understanding.

Because as much as I want those things. I want to be a famous speaker, a famous author, I want to be a war hero, I want to have fame, to be rich, I am ambitious, and my heart dreams of such fairly tales to exist. But what is the cost exacted from such pursuits? To what end will I sell myself out to attain such worth that will only drown in the existence of meaningless?

Because what I want more is me. I want to be me, not this abberation of me. This skewed perspective of my own needs finding immediate gratification for the things that my heart so desires. I dream more of my wife at the door with a bathrobe on...the reality that who we are today as men of God exist beyond the dreams of this world. Our own souls and lives are hanging in the balance of this economical exchange by which we subjects ourselves to daily depending on the choices we make. Each day we exact a cost that will determine the trajectory of our lives.

We have rationalized our lives and believe that logic will prevail. Inside we long for something greater, we feel the pulls on our hearts, but yet we ignore them for the triumph of logic, but I warn that it is in this arena we have forgotten about God. Our hearts are calloused to the Holy Spirit. The Hound of Heaven is consistently pursuing us yet we only find God in the means by which we can attain our desires. God becomes a role player in the story we’re writing about ourselves. God becomes our subject and we become God. The problem is God is God and we are not. This kind of belief seen in our actions will only continue to perpetuate the disillusionment we not only see but experience in our lives. A consistent wonderment of why we are so disconnected, but the very fact is we have chosen disconnectedness b/c we don’t want to submit to God.

1 John 5:2-4 “This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even ou faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who blieves that Jesus si the son of God.”

Wondering what kind of man I'm becoming....

Jude 20-24 "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Be merciful to those who doubt, snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear--- hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh."

So tonight I went with Ryan to see this crazy movie about the holocaust and it focuses on the child of this commandant who's in charge of a concentration camp. Through it, the child befriends a jewish child there and is confused at the circumstances that are surrounding him.... in it he questions his father's goodness as he sees so many inconsistencies.

There was one scene that stood out to me....it was where the father and mother are fighting and the little boy goes up to his older sisters bed and she covers his ears and holds him...

When I see something like that, there is something in my soul that cringes...it wants to leap out to protect while at the same time comfort. Something inside of me also digs in a deeper resolution that there are things in this life that mustn't become me if that makes sense.

Each decision, each choice, the way we perceive the life before us becomes the sinews by which the fiber of our character is being weaved in and out of. The tapesty that is laid before us in the life we are living and have lived, and in each weave becomes the life we will become....in one measure it is a scary thought, in another, its a curious one where often times we have that opportunity to change the pattern of what we see behind us to forge what is to come.

On a very pragmatic sense, I wonder at this moment, what kind of man am I becoming? Am I a man that a son would look up to with pride and admiration...would he see a life worth following, a life to admire.....the real question is when he sees me, would he see a broken man being put together in Christ's image and character.

I had at once thought that being a great man would be one measured by the accomplishments of his life. When you hear of other great men, you hear of their great achievements, their sacrifices and their impact on history and society.

I wonder if these men really did miss the one thing..... what is that one thing?

It is epitomized in the great commandment of loving God and loving others....through relationships we build meaning, through accomplishments we bring a sense of faltering significance.

A couple days ago, my father said he is praying for me....and it was an epiphany at that moment where the simple truth hit me like a ton of bricks....

Life is truly about the relationships we have......the moments we share, express and take in...

God help me live this life in relationship with you always...walk with me, lead me, guide me, use me, be with me....I want to continue to grow in love and passion the way Christ was soo passionate and loving towards me..... this life I give it all to you.....again and again...

33 Miles - One Life to Love
He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road\
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....

Simmering Thoughts (19 May 2007)

Simmering Thoughts

Its been awhile since my heart has really been gripped by a vision of my own. I have to say that there was a bit of rebirth while I was on vacation reflecting back upon my own life. I wonder to where will it go and what is God's vision for me. On the plane, I got an opportunity to read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and it really struck a chord with me. Here's a man who was around my age when he decided to plant a church. His principles are relatively simple and his ability to reach the lost is tremendous.

I dream of such a place and community where those who are in need can find rest, joy and salvation. I wonder what that would look like? I have my inklings and yet there's a growing frustration at the state of the church right now as a whole. When will it become a place where those who are in need find true salvation? I don't know, but I do dream.

I have been getting pursued to take on a youth group recently. Its been weird and yet somehow stimulating to see that I am wanted. I am reminded time and time again how the harvest is great but the workers are few. This also led to a conversation I had with my brother Chris on the trip. He spoke about how there are so few men of God that women often settle for less than they ought to. I chewed on that statement a bit and realized that the burden does fall upon men as much as we blame the women for this and that, the men take the onus of the responsibility. In a general sense, I stand unashamed and unafraid as I realize God calling me to be a man of God. By far, nothing is more attractive...as Chris said, Jason, woman will be lining up to want to marry you. ha ha ha...gotta love that encouragement. And then he said that in light of the fact that there are such few men these days.

This got me on the stirring of my heart recently as I was watching Blood Diamond, the desire for adventure, the greater meaning and fulfillment and how the things of our society has become such an imprisonment to chase the very core of the heart that has filled men through the ages. The movie made me want to go to Iraq and Afghanistan, to experience life in such a setting and to serve my fellow American soldiers. I want to minister in a place of great darkness as there is so much meaning in this place for light to exist. I desire to taste the sweetness of the gospel be given to a life that has no hope, to see the hope arise in such a life to live for the greatest desire that is ultimately meant for their life. It is glorious!

All in all, I have seen that I am a man that dreams dreams far greater than I can accomplish at the moment. Each day is a brick that provides a piece of that dream a reality in this life or the next. I am unsure if I will ever fully finish such dreams, or if I am just laying the foundation for future generations to build upon.

As I live, I live with intentionality to build God's kingdom here today. The decisions I make and the paths I take are to fully form into the man God has made me to be. I will know that new risks and new challenges will arise, but I do not deny the truly transforming nature that occurs when I walk in faith with Him who is forming me through the days of my life.

I apologize but then again I don't apologize for the way your lives might be affected b/c of mine. Who knows what life would be like if I didn't exist or didn't take risks? I don't know, but only the future will begin to show what will happen as I do take such steps to follow my God as faithfully as He enables me. My only hope is that you' all come for the ride. It'll be a crazy one, but it'll be one that will be for the ages.

I speak abstract but hopefully such ideas will become dreams that breathe passion into tangible expressions for the glory of God.

Second Chances....

I feel like my life has been a pattern of falling down, getting back up, taking a couple of steps and following down again....sometimes those falls cause me to get some rug burns, other times bruised knees, and sometimes it makes me just want to give up.

I see in John 21:15-25 where Jesus reinstates Peter. The irony is the fact that the gospels ends with this message at hand. In our failures, Christ is able to reinstate us...and the fact is not b/c we deserve it, but because Jesus loves us.

So in the culmination of the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, this story wraps it up as the last message and often those last things you say are the most powerful and potent words.

It is not this glorious chance of being more sucessful in the world's eyes that Jesus grants Peter, but it is the opportunity to show Jesus that he loves Him. Isn't that interesting...that it isn't about the accomplishments, it isn't about how sucessful you are, but in the end, those relationships are the things that matter and they matter to Jesus.

Even in the midst of the conversation, Jesus gives Peter a glimpse of what an opportunity to love Christ would cost him. v. 18-19 paint a costly picture of that....but when in love, the cost does not matter.

I've been reading this book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it comes with this idea that our life and our response to Christ comes from a deep well of love that is replenished by every glimpse of the Cross...

As I look forward to this life, it is learning to depend on Christ work in me and through me, knowing that even in the times I fall, He always reinstates me, He always gives me a second chance, and perhaps that is the greatest lesson to be learned through the gospels. Jesus' grace is more than enough....not to aim for success necessarily, but to be reconciled to Christ no matter how great our sins are....they are never too great to separate us from the love of Christ.

Jesus is not looking for results, but He's looking for love, and perhaps that is the continual paradigm shift I must seek in my own life. I'm not here to produce results for an organzition or grow a better resume, but it is learning to love and learning to offer Christ example to reinstate those and to reconcile those to Christ. This is my call, this is my responsibility and I won't ever be able to grow to that point until I truly believe in the reinstatement that Christ has done for me, each moment of failure, becomes the catalyst of growth into another moment of grace....

The dryness of our throats desiring an unquenchable grace to fill us, so they we might not become insecure, but find true security in knowing that Jesus is always with us, guiding us, providing for us, and leading us...no need to fear, for He's always with me and will never forsake me.

Reinstate me Jesus to be reconciled to Your heart and lay my sins at the foot of the cross so the guilt and shame would be washed away and all I would see is your face.... for I know even a glimpse will change for me for eternity. This is my cry....this is my prayer!

Shephers and Sheep

Ezekiel 34: 11-12 "For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a sheperd looks after his scattered flock when he is withem, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the plces wehre they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.

Ezekiel 34:14-15 "I will tend them in a good pasture and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd teh flock with justice."

Ezekiel 34:29-31 "I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops, and they will no longer be victims of famine in the land or bear the scorn of the nations. Then they will know that I, the Lord their God, am with them and that they the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Sovereign Lord. You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign Lord."

I feel that these verses resonate the heart of God. Chapter 34 of Ezekiel speaks of the failure of man and the redemption of God. This continual mantra is seen throughout the Bible and it is always a reminder in my life not to rest on my successes or failures, but to rest on the redeeming power of my Savior.

I pray that as I grow through this time of training, that Jesus would grant me His heart and His eyes to see this world. Surrounded by so much that is counterintuitive in this world, I find myself clinging on the meditations of Proverbs 4 in allowing God to direct my steps and to guard my heart completely.

I wonder about this world and about this life that God has given me. I sit here in a barracks in Ft. Benning, GA pondering the future not of only myself, but my peers, my sheep that God has entrusted, my parents, and so many....... I sit here with so many questions, so many thoughts, so much.....wondering....thinking....and I suppose there's a moment you have to give all that up and trust God...a moment where its just too much.

I'm just not there yet, I'm letting it weigh me down, letting it get to me and I just cling to it....its like that point of maturity where you're able to let go of that security blanket and realize you don't need it anymore. Or maybe its the time when you're riding the bike with the training wheels on it and finally your parents take them off.

You step on to the bike with butterflies crashing into your stomach lining and questions upon questions of what is going to happen... you visualize this thought of falling, scraping your knee..or even worse, not being able to break and getting racked by the handle bars....

But you hear a voice in the background....you turn around a second and see your father stare back at you with that stern confidence that comes from weathering so many storms. His determination becomes your determination, his resolve becomes imbedded into your DNA, and with that you look out and you go....

You go with the confidence of that Father, and that is my hope as I look at my Shepherd, as a scared sheep, that I would learn to run with the confidence of my father, that His resolve would become imbedded in this spiritual DNA of mine and manifest itself in a way that others see Christ in me!

God grant me the strength, the joy and the freedom, but most of all, help me to remember the grace by which I am saved....Thank you always!!!

Our debts have been paid...

Do you know that feeling where you feel like you've been had...  Its like everytime you see that person, you know they owe you something and they know it too.  They always seem to not be where they should be and avoiding you and inside you feel this monster come to life.  All of a sudden someone you hadn't thought much about becomes your consuming thought, and its incredible how your heart turns so ugly so quickly.  Or maybe that person you use to think about so highly all of a sudden drops to your negative list where all you can see is their flaws...whether its how they chew their food, their random idiosyncracies...whatever it might be...

Its like a nagging feeling that you can't get rid of, but you know you should...and the more you feel like you should get over it, the more than monster just feeds and grows inside of you...

Why do we have that feeling?  I believe that much of life is not waiting on others to act according to our parameters to make us feel better, but learning to have perspective that is beyond this world so that we may learn to understand what is going on this world.

I wonder if our anxiety stems from our own necessity to feel like we have to pay back debts that we owe.  You know what its like....we see in classicly portrayed in the movies, where that one character has run into gambling debt and tries to cash in on all his friends to pay that big debt and is rushing frantically around b/c he doesn't want to lose an appendiage.

I think that's me spiritually.  I allow other people's actions to be colored in a way where I feel like I'm owed something.  The more I try to let it go, the more I get consumed by it and I find the only way to get pass it for me is to learn to find debt forgiveness by the one who has already paid it for me.

My anxiety and bitterness grows as I grow apart from God b/c I forget that my debt has been paid so I'm looking for others to cash in on.  However, as I approach Christ, I have to confront the ugliness of my own debt and the costly price by which it was bought for....Sometimes I want to scream, God NO!!!!!!  I don't want you to, You don't deserve it!!!  I have to learn, I have to pay it, I have to bear the punishment......

Then the sweetness of His voice always captures me...He says, "Son, you will never be able to pay back a debt so great, and you will only learn once you learn to accept my grace...."  Slowly, I hand over my debts again that I desparately try to hide from God....feeling so ashamed with the tears slowly rolling over my cheek, my lips quiver...and I can't help but to feel so worthless.... and once again His voice speaks, "Son, you are my child, you are forgiven and free....always remember to live that way so others can be reminded of the privledge to be called a child of God....You don't have to pay me back, but live out who you are...."

And so I look back into the face of my Savior, and the guilt turns into joy, the pain turns into inspiration, and I am back again...God, you never fail, you're always the same, you are amazing God!

Rush of Fools - Freedom Begins Here

You think you're all alone

When everybody knows

We all have the scars inside

That tear us apart after night

Is this where you are?

Step out to the light 

Come outside

Step out to the day

It'll be okay

We're all the same, don't be afraid

Let your freedom begin

Let your freedom begin here

Goodbye

Gone are the days

We buy the lie.

But we're not right, we're not right 

Is this where you are?

All the secrets we keep 

Are making us

Who we don't wanna be

It's killing us

Like we're drowning in a sea

Just coming up

We're just coming up for air

Tell me are you there?

The preciousness of today and the hairyness of the past

Do you remember that phrase..."back in the good old days..."  Its so casually thrown around as you gather with people you shared so much with....a similar history, experience, or whatnot...

Sometimes its easy to get stuck there....to get so caught up in the nostalgia of the past to forget the treasures of today.  Memories become catalyst to grow into tomorrow, not stationary places to live in.  Its amazing how my memories sometimes become so unlike the reality out of which they were born out of.  I can look back on Basic Training with a certain fondness, the memories, the friendship, but if you were to ask that person back then what he was experiencing....I was lonely, sad, and wondering if I made the right decision.

The truth is everything is 20/20 in hindsight....but the question isn't whether that is true or not, but it is how we deal with the presentness of our lives.  It is the way we live today that matters for that shapes tomorrow and brings honor to yesterday.

As we reminisce, things aren't going to be how they were....

Its painful b/c life isn't static, b/c it ebbs and flows, life continues...time continues although our hearts don't want to.  The fact that time continues means that we aren't who we were and things aren't the way they were.

Sometimes the hardest part of the past is learning to make it the past.  Living in the reality that the pain, the joy, all of it is part of something that cannot be recaptured, but only in flashes of emotion and thought.

I've learned that learning to make the past the past is one of the greatest steps in growing.  It helps us to not make it tomorrow, thereby giving us the freedom to live in today.  So as Rob Bell states in one of his Noomas...

If you have to remember, remember, grieve, then grieve, apologize, but give yourself that opportunity to do so.

so you don't miss a thing on this day.....

there's a certain kind of despair when we're still holding on to the way things were, our arms aren't free to hold on to today...

God give me the freedom to heal from the wounds of yesterday, to not be so caught up in the worries of tomorrow, but trust in Your unfailing love....draw this child ever closer to understanding this great truth more and more through our relationship together.  Take me by the hand and lead me where you want me, help me to remember that this life is for you always...help this mist reek of your glory!

"Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the snese that the knowledge becomes a part of us.  We do not really know what it in the sense of living as though it were true.  On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever." Frederick Buechner

James 4:13-14  "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Philippians 1:21  "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."  -My prayer, my hope, my life...

A different perspective...

I just finished watching the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and I find it fitting as I reflect upon this summer and remembering the love theat God has shown so graiocusly to me. Its interesting how in so few months so many things change. And even in seeing God's gentle hand guide me, I can have relapses of forgetting the one that has done the work in me. I came from a sense of brokeness...lost and afraid, unsure and insecure...wondering if I royally messed up and staring at the reality of my life in my face. The difficulties of seeing it was overwhelming. Those days, I prayed ofr change....my prayers were formed under the context of desiring that the situation around me change. I didn't want to change, but I pleaded with God to change the circumstances. His gentle no became the greatest blessing as I realized in those moments of heart wrenching yelling that the circumstances did change. I had lived my life with the knowledge of God, even experiencing Him every so often, but in these moments that the days went by....it was only with Him that I was able to get through it all.

As He filled me, I sensed even my prayers changing. All I could ask is not for the circumstances to change, but that I would see His purposes through the circumstances. The desire was to change and be a better man. Perhaps it was prayer that fell too short for the aim He desired for me. My own self-fulfillment and realization became a goal, but one that only centered around me. In my heart, I knew there must be more....

He was the potter and I was the clay, Jesus was shaping not only me to a better man, but me into Him. From those prayers 8 years ago, questioning whether He really exist to now....I had asked if He did, that He would give me a heart after His own. That He would shape this self-centered heart to reflect the selfless heart of Christ. That His name and not my own would be known and the people that would see me would see an amazing God who is able to do amazing things through those that offer their lives to Him.

As I look forward to see what God is gonna do, I can't help but feel my heart lurch a bit in expectation of the blessings God has for me.  I was reminded today to keep all doors open to allow God to move in the way He wants to move in my life.  Each moment that I took this uncertain hands to give over a portion of my future to Jesus, I had in my heart that certain sense of angst, but each time I look back, I cannot believe how good He has been to me.  May you help me to continually hand this life over to You, my maker, my Father, my Savior....

What are we searching for?

Its 1:58AM and I don't know why I'm up. I don't know what is compelling me to even journal at such an insane time or that I even have an inspiration to write. Who knows what's really going to come out, but perhaps I write at night because my inhibition aren't as strong, the walls are a bit weaker and with hope, I wonder if I can take a peek into the depths of my own soul.

Lately, I've seen how the thoughts of insecurity keep me from really being who I am. I am afraid of what people think, what people wonder, what people care about...in the end I find that as I think of myself in the context of the center, it makes me actually very scared to be in the center.

The funny thing is that as an only child, we're suppose to play the main part. We are the leading role in the lives we live, but there's something oddly uncomfortable about that thought. I only want to play the leading role when the lime light is shining brightly on me, with the makeup and the nice suit, perfectly taylored. I want to think that people admire me or want to be like me...but when the cameras are off, and I become naked in my own self, I wonder if all of that was a mere illusion, a dream perhaps...

Living in this false sense keeps me from living in security....it has been my struggle...only glimpses of freedom do I really get to experience and how liberating it is. The ability to tap into the depths of my soul to cast away all the other misconceptions of other people's thoughts to care only to be the man that God has created me to be. It is the freedom I desire...that I sometimes taste and become so intoxicated with.

Perhaps the search I'm seeking for is the search for me. However, I have found that every attempt that search beings at myself, I find it to be incomplete....as if there is something inside of me that desires something to be greater than the search for myself. I wonder if the error begins at the beginning. Those glimpses of freedom, that breath of fresh air came when I did not begin with me, but stood at the hill of Calvary....

It is here I stare at the face of the one who loved me so deeply. It is here I seem to always find myself at during the worst of times asking those questions for which I cannot answer. It is here that I begin to find myself. However as life starts happening again, my starting point shifts....further from the cross and closer to the ideas of others. I live in this eerie in between of in the cliche sense living for this world and living for Jesus.

I might have to restate my first question. Maybe the search isn't something we find, but a place of reference. Maybe what we continually search for isn't the destination, but the starting point. The discovery of this starting point begins to draw in all the other experiences into a beautiful tapestry of experience that has coherence and understanding.

Jesus, may I start at the cross each morning to remember where my existence begins....as I kneel at the foot of the Cross, I offer this mess to you again... I offer my heart leaking and bleeding through the crevices of my shaking hands....however, I sense myself changed this time, knowing that I do not doubt the work you will do, the victory you have already won. Maybe this is the change that is beginning in me, that I do not doubt whether You will do what You will in my life, but as I offer this heart again, I know You will do it, b/c the work has already been done. I live in victory, not defeat, not even in question or wonderment, but in confidence knowing that You are love and You displayed on that cross is the very definition of You.

Thank you Jesus.....

Phil Wickham - True Love
Come close, listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling Heaven's eyes
The day that True Love did, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The Earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt, the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Now, Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Come close listen to the story

Feel....

Do you know that feeling where your heart is pounding and your palms get sweaty and a million thoughts are racing through your head but you can't actually catch one of them because they are going beyond the speed limit, and then it drops like a bomb, the bad news......it hits and your heart shatters into a million pieces leaving you almost numb to the actual reality of what happened.

I remember one time I got mad b/c my mom told me to lock the car door after I shut it and so I locked it and then slammed it on my finger.... the moments as my mom let out a blood-curdling scream and ran to the car to unlock it were the moments where I knew when I saw it, the pain would be amplified by every push of my heart beating..... but there was a moment where I felt no pain, the blood seem to go out of my head and my world started spinning off a different axis...

I remember this quote I thought of...."Physical pain may hurt for a moment, but emotional pain scars for a lifetime..." and this thought led to another quote from a movie, "Wounds are the roadmap to a person's heart."

So as I share this, what am I to think of all this? The hurts and pain we feel, the numbness we desire when we are going through the midst of it and what do we do with all of it?

As Matthew Elliot says:

"I have come to believe that our emotions were given to us by God to drive us to our best."
"I have come to believe that emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives."
"I have come to believe that emotions give us a window to see truth like nothing else."

"I have come to believe that the true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel."

I believe certain struggles come in our lives to break us from the walls that keep us from feeling the depths of emotions that God desires of us and our hearts. So much of the struggles of our lives force us to build walls within us so we don't have to deal with the reality of the pain, or perhaps the walls are there so all we can do is deal with the pain. I think the hardest part of going through struggles is that it requires us to trust God b/c the struggle is always greater than what we can handle on our own. So the temptation is to "deal" with it on our own by creating walls to manage the pain, while what God desires is to take the brokenness of our souls and to knit it in a way that redeems our brokenness.

The freedom to begin to feel comes to our ability to feel secure. It is here where I found that I had to take steps of faith to believe that God can be counted on. I always knew it intellectually, but I never took the step of faith required to actually live out in His love and in His trust. This summer demanded that I made a decision to either do so or not, and I am so thankful that I did. As God continues to overwhelm me with His love, I have come to agreement with the quote, that our relationship with God is correlated with our ability to feel our heart which is one of the most precious gifts He's given us.

When I am doing spiritually well, the smallest things trigger an overflow of emotion and expression that used to make me wonder about my manhood until I came to terms that who I am is who I am!!!

I guess I end with things song...because it reminds me of those difficult days of bottling in everything. This season is a time to take all that I've held to the cross and to give to Christ freely what He chose to die for.

Building 429 - No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

I will rise

Micah 7:8-9, 7:18-19 (NIV)
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness."

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.

19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

As these reflect my heart and the shimmer of truth that is beginning to gleam through the hazy of this past summer. The difficulties, the trials, the tests, each knocking down another pillar by which I so desparately clung to as my own security, my own sense of control, my necessity to hold on so tightly. Each area that I cared to not give up, God slowly and painfully tore my grip upon them. As I was left grasping, wondering, uncertain, I found myself naked. In the things I found so much confidence and comfort, I now was left to wonder...does God really care? That question pounded at my soul daily as I managed to struggle through the difficulties of this summer.

With my hands left empty, I was tempted to grab at the dirt of the ground violently and shake my fist at God who seemed to be wanting to take away everything I loved. He left me heartbroken and scared....what was to be of this life? How was I suppose to endure? The clarity I wanted kept on turning into mud with each fist full of dirt I shook at my creator.

And it was in a desert God brought Himself. Those hands that were left empty with nothing but wounds were slowly beginning to heal into scars. Each scar became a reminder of the road my Redeemer walked for me. I stared at my hands that were healing only to find the heart inside breaking with an indescribable love. A love that can only be tasted at the bitter taste of desperation...a love so consuming, that the hands that clutched the dirt, slowly lifted up...it was the moment of broken submission....it was the culmination of years of frustration, years of hurt, years of wanting to be more finding a purpose and sense of healing in letting them go to Jesus.

Yes, it was this moment I had been waiting for....to no longer hold on to this sorrow....this pain....this guilt.... No more feelings of letting others down, not being more than I could be..... it was the bondage of years upon years of repression being let free... a second chance, and a need to live out this redemption.....yes, it was this moment....a Holy moment....

Jesus had arrived in a way that my eyes had been reawakened to a greater passion and a deeper understanding. It was more that a feeling, more than a perspective shift, it was an awakening. As alluded to the past of the great awakenings in the historical context of the 1800's in American Christniaity, my heart found its own great awakening...

So I sit here in such joy for life and the life God's given me... The hands that tried so hard to attain what I needed to attain, to ensure that I got what I got have come 3/4 circle to a place where I'm learning to trust God in both His timing and His provision. I no longer have to prove that I am worthy, for Christ has deemed us worthy by His sacrifice. I don't have to fight in the ways I used to fight to try to be somebody because in Christ, in daily obedience I will continue to grow in the man He has created me to be. This identity as a child has also given me full access to a God that fills that void that is spoken about in Ecclesiastes "....eternity is set in the hearts of men..." His love is the only love that can fill me and satisfy me and daily I find myself running into the arms of my Savior so thankful for this love.....only praying that I could share it at whatever cost to all...

I am unsure of what the next steps will bring. However, I am sure that regardless of what happens, that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. He will uphold me and walk with me...even through the valley of the shadow of death....and shadows can only be formed in the presence of light, and that light will always be there.

Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the Lamb" (x2)

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise I will rise

God, are you on my side?

Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

In those quiet moments of desperation where I feel alone and unsure....this question continues to plague my heart...God, are you on my side? There are moments where I feel so sure that He is, but in the moments of my own greatest anxiety, the question continues to pound against me.. I have this mentality of me against the world. It'll leave me alone in this life for sure, and I find it being tested and tested again. My mind continues to run its course through its various thoughts and ideas.....

The question in the uncertainty of life is who am I going to trust? Or am I going to trust? I have worked so hard and done so much to try to prove myself to the rest of this world....

God, I come to you giving you all of me.....I am small and I am weak, but you are great and you are strong....God take this life, all for your glory, fight the fight in my heart and set me free, bring joy in this heart.....

Inpsire this heart to see your dreams for me....

Pain....makes a man...

Isn't there something about suffering that makes up the depth of a man? The real question is, what type of men are we becoming? Through the pain, our response begins to forge the path that decidingly forms the heart of who we're to become.

The first step we take is what we do with the pain...do we confront it or do we run from it. As we run from it, we find ourselves living in our fantasy world not really recognizing the reality of where we live. Due to that fact, we will continue to stunt our own maturity as we are unable to fully confront reality.

However, as we confront the pain, we take a step into manhood. As we take that step into manhood, the question is, what kind of men will we become?

Just because we are growing into men doesn't necessarily mean we're growing into respectable men. Our decisions begin to shape the character of our hearts and so it is in these most opportune situations that we make those choices to grow more in Christ or to grow more of this world.

There are apathetic men, there are ambitious men, there are evil men, there are good men, and the list goes on.

My father is one man that I would love to grow to be. He is a man that speaks straight...no games, no runaround... He is a man of his word, if he says he will do something, he will do something. He is a man of integrity, of trust, of honor, of selflessness, he is a man that God has placed in my life to show me how to be. He treats his wife with love and compassion, he is in so many ways a man of greatness....

I wonder what that cost was? The loss of his father, the experience of the korean war, the immigration to another country right after the civil rights, surviving by himself in a new country that he can barely speak the language, how many times did he hurt?

And so the real question in all of this, is looking at Christ is realizing the pain that He endure only helped to exemplify those Christ like qualities that we all can attest to. His kindness in his suffering, his discipline in the emotional times, and his trust when all circumstances dictated otherwise show an example of how to be.....

And the encouragement comes from realizing that the Holy Spirit is with us to grow us to be like Him. In these moments of toughness, God will form in our hearts a heart of a lion, able to fight, to protect and to lead this generation.

God, lead me in your ways....

We aren't who we were and things aren't the way they were...

Accept the past as what it is...celebrate what needs to be celebrate, grieve what needs to be grieve and accept a new spirit for today

What does it feel like to .....let it go????......

I've realized I have quite the Savior complex. I guess that would be somewhat indicative of the job title that I take on, but I have to realize that I am gainfully employed by the one that is the Savior. I can be like that guy who tries to be the only show in town, but forgets that he is only the opening act to the main event...

And so....this is something I have to let go...the desire to try to save everybody, to think I'm so dutifully important and the life I live is so integral that Christ can't work without it....

....I'm tired...thank you Jesus for my dad and for helping him through the surgery

You are faithful

I fear the loss of someone....

This has probably been one of the more difficult days that I have gone through. I just saw Iron Man with Sam and it was an excellent movie. Most of the time when I watch movies, I look for inspirational quotes or some motiff that can be somewhat related to this life...however I was more entertained than anything.

Driving home, I was confronted with an overwhelming sense of emotions that flooded my heart and my tear ducts. The tears flowed freely as I felt the pain tear through my heart. It was more occassional screams and then followed by silence and tears flowing so freely...it was freeing.

Then talking with Sam on the phone and talking with God, He showed me the deficit that has been plaguing my heart for so long....

While it is so easy to label ourselves, as this or that....what is it that drives the labels that we slap on ourselves? I deal with insecurities, I have trust issues....what does that really mean about me? Why are these such indemic issues of my heart...and why does my heart seem to be so unguarded in these areas?

MY GREATEST FEAR LIES IN THE FEAR OF LOSING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE....

This is why I keep my distance towards others, I don't let them in....not b/c I don't want to, but I fear of losing them if I do. So I live in this tension of desiring intimacy while lacking the freedom of providing it b/c I fear they will leave me or I will lose them somehow, or someway....

THE DEFICIT THAT LIES IN THIS HEART IS THAT I DO NOT TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL STAY WITH ME....that He won't forsake me and He won't leave me....

Help me to know you won't.....God, sustain me with Your love, one that drives out this fear in me...I offer it to you and lift it up to you, mold this heart to be more like yours..

Kobe Bryant.....I can relate....it's all about trust!

"He knew he wasn't going to beat teams by himself," Odom said. "He's so good that it makes sense for him to think that because I've seen him do it before. I've seen him have [62 points] against Dallas, I've seen him get 81 on Toronto and just dismantle a team, but he understood that we had to get better. When he did that, when Kobe starts trusting you, that makes you play even better because when someone that good trusts you and drives you, you can't help but to get better."

I don't know if Lamar Odom could've said it better. I love the last part of what he says. It's the ability of trusting others that elevates the people around you and they can't help but get better because of that trust you have in them.

I look around and wonder how selfish I have looked over these years. I've masked it with my ability to open up enough, but however, there hasn't been that freedom to find my own sense of expression. My own reluctance was caught up with my inability to trust God, others, and in my failures, to trust myself. This lack of trust fragmented the sense of who I am and helped to allow myself to dichotomize my own being.

The haneous result of that is the fact that as I had chopped myself up, I did that to others. It is the lens by which we see ourselves that we ultimately see the rest of this world. However, I think the expression of that is most seen in those that reside the closest to our hearts.

"This is the way of the pharisees. They follow the law impeccably in order to induce God's love. The initiative is theirs...the pharisee must pursue a lifestyle that minimizes mistakes. Then, on Judgment Day, he can present God with a perfect slate and the reluctant Diety will have to accept it. The psychology of the pharisee makes a religion of washing cups and dishes, fasting twice a week, and paying tithes of mint, dill and cumin very attractive."

"This endless moralistic self-evaluation makes it impossible to feel accepted before God. His perception of personal failure leads to a precipitous loss of self-esteem and triggers anxiety, fear, and depression."

"The pharisee within usurps my true self whenever I prefer appearances to reality, whenever I am afraid of God, whenever I surrender the control of my soul to rules rather than risk living in union with Jesus, when I choose to look good and not be good, when I prefer appearances to reality."

Quotes from Brennan Manning's Abba's Child

God, help me to trust you, to learn to live in union with you....God I need you...

The savory desire of trust

An analogy of my heart.....
Doesn't that word savory just wet the palate of your mouth? It helps to best describe where I stand right now....I'm staring at a desert that I've eaten a thousand times that left me with sharp gut wrenching cramps that left me with goose bumps or that savory scent over yonder in the other room. What do I do? The desert is what I know, it sits right in front of me, basically seductively calling my name...come here Jason, oooh yea...I'm so tasty and sweet....

But something is different this time...a quick flash of me sitting on the porcelein god keeps me cautious to the luring attempt of the desert...but then again, it is just a quick flash so my eyes focus on the delicacies in front of me. However, as I begin to pick up my spoon, my mind is invaded again by that thought of that prayer as I'm keeled over the toilet in a cold sweat swearing to God that I will never again eat what I had eaten that night. Ahhh...the temporary pleasure so alluring, but the stark consequences bring more pain than my body can handle.

Again, I catch a wiff of something else. It is as if the scent is beckoning me to come forward. However, all I have is a scent, an uncertainty of what it is I'm smelling, but the smell is captivating. My stomach lurches forward, but my eyes look back at the desert.

My mind races thinking of what that scent could be? Will it be a delicious steak? Who's cooking it? Who's going to be over there?....ahhh the excitement...the anticipation....of perhaps a great party feast!...but then.....

Those freaking insecurities take over and the stupid questions start bombarding my head. Will there be anything left when I get there? Will I be accepted? Will I just be barging in?

My Reflections....
It is that wedding feast Jesus invites us into (Matthew 22) that is the great banquet that He has prepared for us in our lives. Sometimes we act like those that are invited...just going about our business whent the King has invited us to a wedding feast with Jesus. We find our business so much more important, and have forgotten that the king has invited us. Other times in our lives, we find ourselves to be the beggars outside getting invited to something that we don't deserve. Our brokeness and our desire to be hungry is all that matters and the banquet is a place where we can be received as we are.

I wonder what would go on in my head? If I were a beggar or a street person being invited to the King's palace for his son's wedding banquet, how would I react? Would I be paralyzed in my head wondering if I'm even worthy? Or would I sit there thinking too much into it...or maybe the anxiousness or worry of what might happen would grip me at my throat so I couldn't even breathe?

I'm not sure, but I do know that those that came were accepted. v.14 "For many are invited, but few are chosen...."

I am reminded by what Ravi Zacharias said in about 5 sermons I listened to today as I was driving. Jesus redefines our perspective on what living is. It contradicts our notions and juxtaposes our actions in light of the new perspective Christ provides.

The Fight...

2 Chronicles 7:14 "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Military Ball
It was a refreshing experience....and a surreal one. It felt like I was in a movie...all the people decked out in their military dress. I felt proud to be in the Army and as people came up and spoke, there was a deep satisfaction of being part of the institution that fights for the freedom of our country and to be in a room filled with people that have made that lifetime commitment in doing so. The sacrifices made, lives lost, families suffering....There are times when I see things that occur at my command and the recognition given to those that have made such great contributions and I wish that it existed at church as well. There's a sense that we're all in it together an that we support one another when push comes to shove.

Talk with PD
I'm at a very precarious place. I'm not just hurt and confused, but I'm beginning to assess my own situation and seeing the path its heading towards. Most of the time, I just go on my way guided by what's going on without taking an assessment of where I'm at and making necessary adjustments to ensure that the path I walk is towards Christ. As you brothers know, I think constantly and consistently....my mind races faster and it helps me to see things, but I also believe that it is my achilies heel in the way I begin to conjure up false assumptions of things that I cannot claim to be true. Often, my anxiety arises as I project a certain situation to arise...and in it, I trust my own ability to predict instead of trusting God and letting him lead. This kind of behavior leads me to make pre-emptive strikes to protect my heart against any harm and the sharper I've gotten at this, the less I've learned to trust others as I try to read them. Its actually pretty messed up. Its a great gift for counseling as you can begin to open other people's eyes into seeing the numerous benefits and consequences of making certain choices, but a hinderance as you become a self-fulfilling prophecy of your own life as your constitent predictions become the reality, because there is no room for God to operate and you effectively install yourself as God and destine your life to either the fears that rule you or the insecurities that keep you from really seeing anything but yourself....

But I digress...2 huge warnings...
1. My ability to separate my heart from myself. I guess its the idea of false-self vs. the beloved, but the fact is they both make up who I am. It is in the learning to live as the beloved does the false-self begin to fade, but at the same time, the false-self must be acknowledged or living in ignorance will provide him the ability to ambush you.
2. OBJECTIFYING...I don't see people as people...I only see them in light of me....I dunno...this one I need to dig deeper in.....

Help Me....

Jude v.20-21 "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."

These are some difficult roads ahead for me to walk along. There are so many times where my mind just wants to give up. I'm tired and weary and I'm sick of it all. I wonder if my hope is just pointless. I cannot help but feel the depths of some of the hurts of my heart and its killing me to confront them. I hate the emotions that come out and the pain that exists. God, I wish you would just take it away from me. Its been a constantsy of pain that continues to exasberate my soul.

I remember reading the book by Henri Nouwen, "Wounded Healer" and I cannot help but to wonder if this is your plan for me. The woundedness of my heart is to become the authenticity that I speak from. If that is the case, help me to get through this with flying colors. I want to honor you and glorify you with the entirety of my life. Do not allow Satan to grab a foothold in my heart or my head. It seems so easy at times to want to give up and not to follow you. It seems so alluring to just walk away.

Help me remember that I am your child. Even if I walk away, your love has marked me as your own. I cannot run away from who I am, so help me to see the beauty of the life you have prepared for me. Help me to trust in your plan and to grow closer to you as I realize that you have all things in your hands. I am but the clay and you are the potter. The plans you have set before me, help me to continue to live them out faithfully with passion for your name. I do not want to live a mediocre life, but I want to glorify you with every cell in my body. I want to experience the fullness of your glory in me and through me and I want others to experience you with such intensity and depth.

God, I need you know, cast away these emotions, and center me on you, grant me a peace that transcends understanding and a trust that cannot be shaken.

Who do I love?

Isn't that the question of today? After talking with PD, I pretty much am left at such a simplistic choice....Will I ever grow to a point where I can stop thinking about my wants, my safety, my protection in order to think about another's wants, safety and protection? How does one ever get to that point? I have tried to will myself to be there...I have tried to do things to make me get there, but each are worthy of the attempt but fall pittifully short in this arena of life.

This is from April 23, 2008...

Difficulties...

Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright
If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune-I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright - I'm broken inside, broken inside
and all i go through - it leads me to you, it leads me to you

God, I'm at a point where I've had enough. I'm tired of this...tired of my heart going in roller coasters. What am I suppose to do from here? Do I continue to go on? For what reason, I feel that I'm just being used. Am I just an object that spurns hope into her heart, or does she really see me for who I am. I know that right now, I am but an object....and that hurts. She doesn't see me for who I am, only for what I represent. I am an ear to listen, a person to care through this struggle that she is going through...and its this crappy feeling that it is about her and she doesn't take much consideration of me.

Should I subject myself to this? My tendency is to cut and run. I can already feel the walls closing in on my heart, the defenses are being raised, and my heart wants to grow cold.

God change my heart to learn to respond correctly to such situations or change my heart so I can walk away from all of this. Either way, I submit it to you. I'm tired....and I'm not alright God... only you can change hearts. Help me to know what to do.....

Father teaching a son to swim...

Today was one of the hardest days to keep my heart open. I guess it was a day filled a lot...work, medical appointments, took a nap in the seminary parking lot...

I got asked to be a model for Abercrombie...probably something pretty low key, but it got me to thinking how such an affirmation made me feel so confident. I'm wondering why I don't feel that same confidence in God's affirmation of me. Do I really sense it? I'm not quite sure....or am I allowing less substitutes to fill the void that God needs to fill? I don't know....

Well, I'm off to San Antonio to take some time to think, reflect, and recenter my heart with God. This personal retreat I am really excited about!

I was in the hot-tub at lifetime and right before me God spoke to me so gently. There was this asian kid of about 6 years old surrounded by the arms of his father. As I watched them interact, I could see the child trust his dad so much and his dad letting go so the boy could swim on his own. Here I could see their interaction and how their eyes were so focused on one another. In the child's eyes, I saw an innocent joy of affirmation and a twinge of fear as he was put away from the father's embrace. Then in the father, I could see the pride in his face and the love in his eyes literally flowing with more love. There was a certainty to the father that the child could pretty much make his own and there in that place was this powerful encounter of God's desire for my heart.

I see that our lives are like learning how to swim. It is not always having to be in the father's embrace, but as we grow we are allowed past our own safety nets into areas that challenge us to grow more than before. But the father is always so loving and brings us back into His arms to remind our wandering hearts of His love and then casts us out again so that we can grow a bit more...

I wonder if that is why we experience those roller coasters in life. It is that perspective of not fully understanding the truth of life that makes us feel the sensation of a roller coaster, but in the illustration God provided for me today, it is teaching me how to "live" life so that as I grow in strength and skill, God will provide me that opportunity to teach others and to share in "life."

On the flip side, it has been difficult for my heart to stay open. I don't want to trust....I'm scared of getting hurt. God help me to trust in your plan and provision for my life.

Nostalgia...

Memories are a funny thing aren't they? Its the recollection of the past that conjure up emotions of the heart. Often, the memories that come are triggered by a catalyst that starts the jpeg in your head. Sometimes the conditions have to be ideal, other times its the mind that continues to races...finding every little thing to make something out of nothing...

I remember at Basic Training I would have all the time in the world to just sit there and think. I spent a lot of it staring at the hair of Private Johnson (female type). Here, I would begin to play out the thoughts of my life. What I'm doing here, who am I, and all these other deep questions that come into your head as you are forced to confront a sense of solitude. Each of them drawing into a database of memories, of feelings and emotions....exacting a certain perception that eventually capitulates into a notion of who I see myself to be. It was interesting the thoughts that would cross my head.

It is in one of these moments that I was drawn back to yesterday. I remember the excitement I had thinking about joining the military and so I was very dedicated in working out. After my workouts, I would sit in the steamroom and just let the menthol haze fill up my longs and bring a minty refreshment to my body! Oh, each pore opening up to soak in the steam with a combination of hot and menthol scorching my body....the refreshment and as I sat there at lifetime, I remembered back on the day I was sitting in the line at the DFAC staring into the blonde hair of Private Johnson wishing I was back in the steamroom. The things I would say to myself....oh my...how fortunate I was...

Isn't it funny how life is like that? Again, after working out I took myself to the mall b/c I had to use up my BR gift certificate and as I was walking through the mall I thought to myself, "Some of my fondest memories with my mom were here....dang...she went to the mall a lot!" And, so I stopped, took a deep breathe, and allowed the scent to fill my lungs...as it filled my lungs I could sense my brain release reflecting images, feelings, and deep seeded emotions that allowed me to live in that moment for a second.

When I take a reflection on memories, I also realize that memories are so one-sided...often not a reflection of reality but more an entrance into a moment. I think about basic with fondness...almost a desire to go back, but when I was there, I enjoyed it, but there were more moments of wanting to be home than to live in that moment. The culmination of times allowed the experience to be foundation, informative, and life-changing. However, it was not a place I would want my life to exist....

Perhaps in these moments...we are building those memories that will come later to ease a deeper pain in our lives, a moment of clarity that remembers who we are in the midst of our own situation....who knows.....just random thoughts.