thoughts on this crazy heart....

I don't know if too many episodes of house is drawing up this random thoughts...but just had to lay some things out on the table. I wonder about this crazy thing called "relationships." Over the years, I've felt the pain of loss and rejection while also feeling the joy that relationships bring. How is it that one is to grieve the losses? How do we deal with these pains? What are we to do with the emotions and residual left over in our hearts... Somewhere the cup that we contained all of this spills....or an incident causes it to shake so a little bit spills out.... But all the while we're still holding that cup of crazy emotions, of messed up feelings...and we are so desparately trying to push down the lid and tell the world that everything is ok....that I am ok...

But am I? Am I really ok? I wonder if our desire to be opaque to the rest of the world is exactly what is killing us from really being transparent to ourselves. As House says, "Everybody lies..." and sometimes it is the lies to ourselves that are damaging our souls the most. Perhaps we are way too concerned about what everybody else thinks about us that we can't have clarity on how we think of ourselves. We drive forward, like a soldier marching continuously, step by step...being hypnotized by the cadence, and we never stop to think why we're marching but all we know is that life must move forward so we do.

So the real question is how do we progress? How do we move on? What does it really mean to move on? What do these flashing moments indicate about our hearts, our lives?

I think sometimes that remind us that we're human....that we have souls, that we have pain, and that ultimately we're always in need of a Savior. I remember a character in a movie saying, "Scars are the roadmap to a person's soul..." I wonder if our response to those scars in our lives determine the destination of our soul?

I suppose my latest episode reveals much about me and where my relationship with God is. Lately, I have found this uncertainty residing in me.... so much of life I live with a certainty and I pursue with a precision passion, but as I find myself distant from God, I find my own sense of self a bit erratic and unsure...... not really on solid ground. Not to say that things are horrible, but just distant...

Its funny b/c when you share that, people are always quick to jump on the bandwagon of solutions....perhaps that is why I selfishly like journaling, b/c there isn't anyone to interrupt your thought process, but just a blank template by which you can paint what is going on in your soul.

Maturity is growing in understanding of one self and coming to accept it....or at least that's how I would like to define it. Anyways....enough random thoughts for the night.....perhaps some more coherent solution tomorrow...but yea...its like the guy on PBS who looks like he's smoked way too many joints and needs a comb to tame his hair or at least tease it....but he starts painting what is suppose to be a beautiful landscape, but ends up being just a blob of colors.... that is where this painting is tonight...hopefully by the turn of the new year, it shall look like something...*crossing fingers*

From a wounded healer...

"....However in the middle of all fragmentation one image slowly arose as the focus of all considerations: the image of the wounded healer. This image was last in coming. After all attempts to articulate the predicament of modern man, the necessity to articulate the predicament of the minister himself became most important. For the minister is called to recognize the suffereings of his time in his own heart and make that recognition the starting point of his service. Whether he tries to enter into a dislocated world, relate to a convulsive generation, or speak to a dying man, his service will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the suffering about which he speaks. Thus nothing can be written about ministry without a deeper understanding of the ways in which the minister can make his own wounds available as a source of healing." p.xvi (The Wounded Healer)

The quotes underneath only help to spurn myself into understanding that the wounds that are endured through life cannot be healed by mere mortal hands. Each wound inflicted upon a soul must also need a divine healing by which God has authority over. In a more simplistic way of understanding this, it is not until we fully submit our own hurts and worries to Christ that we find true freedom in living. Our desires to find a cure for the pain that resonates deep in our soul cannot come from the cause of that pain. Just as much so, that a gun that has pierced the flesh of a person cannot be the source by which that wound is healed. However, I have seen how our society in general and ourselves often follow that same logic. We look at those that have hurt us the greatest with this endearing hope that those same people will be the ones that will bring the healing upon the wounds they inflicted. However, this will never bring true healing to those hurts. In our flawed hands, we find that as much as we do want to help others, our own intentions can hurt others in the process of trying to help them. So the question becomes, what do we do? How can we help? What about those we've hurt and care about so much?
The grim reality is that we will never be able to heal those wounds on our own. As much as we can give and give, it will never be enough for the one that has been hurt. In our own hopelessness we turn to Christ who is able to bring life and break those chains of unforgivness. God is the author and perfecter of our faith. It is He who is able to bless and cure, change and soften the hearts.

This is where the wounded healer begins to emerge. In my own pain, I am able to relate to a generation that sees pain as its God. It is these measures, that God has called me to step beyond and to claim Christ once again for not only myself, but for this generation. As much as we focus on these wounds, we have failed to realize that...

Romans 8:37-39 "37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

It is the love of Christ that brings ultimate healing to the soul. It is seen in glimpses through the love that is shown in this world. Even in our own falleness, I find that there is still a great capacity for many to exemplify such a love that can transcend the wounds of generations. These, in themselves have been dignified through the lives of Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Ghandi, and many others who fought with love against the hatred and bitterness that can poison the wounds that are inflicted through life.

As for myself, I find this own predicament to be one that I will constantly battle for a lifetime. It is the burden given by God to men to understand His heart. All of my life, I have ran away from such a burden. I allowed my own fears and my own feelings of inadequacy to rule over my own consciousness. This imprisoned me into such a life that kept me from being the man that God had always envisioned me to be. Once released from that burden, understanding who I am in Christ, I have one more step to truly mature into a leader and a man. This is the understanding of life that often has been nulified by our generation through such blurring of lines and distinctions of God's own intentions. In my woundedness, God has given me the ability to relate with those from our generation. Through this experience, God has shown me the way to overcome the hurts and pains and find true freedom in the very life that I live. It is the liberation that comes from understanding what life is really about. Life isn't meant to be lived in a manner by which we avoid all hardships or bubble ourselves in a place where we cannot experience hurt, but it is the understanding that through these pains, we grow closer into understanding the heart of Christ. Our own sufferings show us the greater joy in the life He's given us and it points to the hope that we ought to live for. Christ himself had such aches and pains in His heart for the very people that sent Him to the cross. I will soon experience similar pains as God calls me to lead His people. Many times I will not get what I deserve and more times than not, my heart will bleed for those who will never know. The question is who will I go to for comfort and rest? Who will heal those hurts that I experience.

Hebrews 10:17b-23 " "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."[c] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. 19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. "

It is Christ where we find true healing and it is through this understanding that I will be able to place my confidence in Him. We will hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful. How great is that promise and the hope we can cling on to. Even when hurts and pains wound the heart, and unforgiveness taps at our doorsteps we find Jesus calling to our hearts knowing and understanding the very situations and being able to empathize with us. In Him we have true victory and all that was holding us in bondage is shattered through His amazing grace and love. This is the gospel message once again showing that the life we have been given is one of great power and worth. Although, it cannot be measured in terms of this world's measurements, it is able to be seen through the lives changed and the hearts invested in the very things that will matter for an eternity.

I do believe that when one heart turns to God, all of eternity shakes with immeasurable joy.

He meets me where I'm at....

He meets us where We're at....

Philippians 3:12-16 "12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

I remember a long time ago praying this prayer that continues to "haunt" me today. It was a message I heard a long time ago speaking about King David. One of the distinguishing marks about King David was that he had a heart after God's own heart. What an amazing gift that is!!! And so during a dry period of my own faith freshman year of college, I prayed to God that He would grow a heart after His own in me. My oh my, how faithful God is to those kinds of prayers...and b/c of it, I would have to say that I have been placed in positions that have forced me to go completely against my own nature.

In Romans 7, Paul speaks about how our sinful nature often takes over and we allow that to guide our actions while the Godly nature God has for our own hearts only exists in our head and it takes time for it to become part of the new nature God is forming in us. The key word is definitely "forming."

Philippians 2:1-8

"1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"

This is the amazing thing about Jesus Christ is that He not only saw our situations but He put himself in our shoes. It is a phrase that we often remark here and there, but the challenge for all of us is to not just put ourselves in another person's shoes....but to get into their heart and see through their eyes. It is almost to become that person to see their perspective.

I know that in relationships, I have had the tendency of just placing myself in their position. Of course I wouldn't come up with any sort of compassion because I still have my heart as I look at their position. My judgements and my logic still made sense except that I stood in their position and wondered why the heck they didn't see it the way I saw it. Funny how that is?

The increasing challenge is not to only put myself in their shoes, but to almost become them in the situation they are in and usually one that I precipiatetd through my own actions. Christ Himself did this very thing for me. He did not just put Himself in my shoes, but looked at my situation through my eyes and saw the hopelessness that was in the world that I'm in. Without Him, I cannot say for certain I would be here today. So seeing my situation, He provided hope for me through the cross.

So the question that I ponder today is not that I just understand people's situations, but am I being Christ to them? Am I taking the time to see through their eyes, to feel through their hearts? This is the next challenge I face and one that God is continually confronting me with.... Its funny because until this moment of reflection comes, there grows a continual frustration with people...a wondering why they don't see the world as I do... and so I force myself to be patient, to try to be more understanding, to hold my tongue and in it all I just find myself trying......so hard....and growing so disillusioned....

Perhaps the goal is not to try so hard, but it is to start being Christ to others. And as Christmas time approaches, the place that I need to start first is to learn through Christ's example of being born into a world He didn't have to. He endured what wasn't fair and sacrificed so much for a cause so few believed in...

And the question that pounds like a migraine is why!?......Why? Christ....for an obstenite group of people...why!? For the people that would spit in your face why? For the people that would stone you, that would whip you?....for the disciples that would turn their back on you? Why?!.....for what reason would compel you to go to such extreme to save a people that would have no regard for you!?...

Is that not the million dollar question!? Is that not the reason we find our own thoughts continually hit a road block?! A love incomprehensible...one that does not make sense... it literally sits in defiant of logic....as to rebel against even the nature of own our understanding...how are we to interpret such a love?

It only continues to plague my own heart....for God, the creator of this universe could have chosen any way to save this world...a plan of redemption, a carpenter's son, a group of rag tag fisherman and other ho-hums of society....3 years, a life or ridicule, unbelief.....to the son of the creator, the created laughed, prodded, made fun of, plotted against, conived...against the only son, the created chose to crucify and so I stand in wonder, in mystery, in humility not knowing how to react or how to comprehend...

Jesus why.....and it is here, in the face of his very torturers He pleads for their forgiveness....in the moments leading to his death, He pleads for those that are going to crucify Him....but why?!

There this mantra or theme God has placed on my heart this past quarter. "God meets us where we're at..." And I have to say that God is revealing this in so many ways. He meets me where I'm at....often times on a broken road....so far away...with my head down wondering if all of "this" really matters. Wandering through the forest of my frustrations.....going through the path of my situations wondering where this is all going to lead? Taking one step forward....feeling the bitter chill of the wind hit my bones and the leaves rustling around me. Is this a path that God had lead me to or am I just walking alone...

Jesus meets us where we're at. He meets me on this path.....He meets me in this road where my wounded heart cries for comfort, where my chilled bones seek warmth...the desire to curl up in front of a fire having the flames radiant the soothing heat into my despondant soul. A lick of warmth lights the flicker of hope that becomes rekindled....God meets me where I'm at....

But was it necessary to go such extremes? Why the harshest of situations...does He know my heart that well? Does he know how hard it would be for me to believe in His love for me. Perhaps it in the recollection of the brutality that He faced that my heart can find comfort that His love goes beyond even the cruelest of people. His forgivness breaks through the barriers of doubt and I can find security in that. His desire to go so far was His desire to show me that His love is beyond my own actions of hurting him. I cannot put into doubt the love that He has for me regardless of what I do, say or think. Even to the point of crucifixtion, His love is made available.

I do believe that as Christ prayed and took up the daunting task of being the Savior of the world, He took a glimpse into my own life. I am convinced that He had to. He understood our situation and He understood how desperate our hearts would be for a Savior. I know that I am oh so thankful so many days when I don't think I'm going to quite make it. He meets us where we're at...and so in doing so, the place we meet Him is at the cross...The cross reminds us that He meets us where we're at...it reminds us that His work has made us complete, and we don't have to try so hard anymore...

The cross also reminds me that the challenege in following Christ is to meet others where they're at. It does not matter what is fair or unfair...what is right or wrong, or if I got hurt or not, but what matters is seeing the other person through their situation, heart and circumstances. Often my heart turns from indignant righteousness to humbled brokeness....and perhaps it is in this place that God is forming my heart after His. It is in the moments where I want to exert my own righteousness, where I want to feel like my way is better than someone else's, it is where I want to scream...."What about my situation....what about mE!!!!...its not FAIR....." God gently reminds me that God has called me to love Him and His people. I do not have to seek fairness or love from others but I am called to provide it to others. I am called to die to myself and take up my cross daily...not to wait for someone else to take this cross for me...God has called me to love His people irregardless of the fact that I am loved or that anyone sees my perspective.

A Broken Love....

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I have to say that when it comes to loving, especially after having a broken heart it is so hard to love again. There's a sense of rationale that tells you exactly to do what C.S. Lewis warns us about. I've been there and I've realized that it is much more of an escape from the present reality then an understanding and acknowledgement of God's sovereignty.

Isn't funny how when it just doesn't go your way, you start questioning God? Are you there? What's even more suprising is to realize that there's something deep inside of you that actually encourages those thoughts. It brings justification to whatever you defenses you choose to put up.

There's much I have to say, but one thing I know is that I understand. God has revealed to me how judgemental I am. Superficially, I have masked it in an false-encompassing acceptance of others, but once I see one judgemental person, I burn!!

I am judgemental against judgemental people, I'm unloving towards unloving people, and the list goes on and on. Only in my logical justificatino, does this continue to persist with a self-righteousness. The great unfortunate loss that I have failed to realize but have come to see in reflection is that in each of those attitudes, I only perpetuated each of the qualities in those that I pressed upon them. How foolish the human heart can be?! It is a fair warning to express that the Word of God is needed to correct my thinking and to put me back into a place where I can be used to reconcile this world to Christ instead of alienating it even further to destruction.

Why has God put such an onus on us who seem so incapable? I would have to reply, "Ask Him?", but in my own ability to conjecture, the acknowledgement of truth in the statements above about our influence upon those we're surrounded by gives us a glimpse to the ultimate logic that says if we who are so prone to do such things are capable to overcome to be Christ, then how much more will the world glorify Him?

For the ease of God to do such things seems well...Godly, but for the unGodly to be Godly and for the angry to be loving and for the hurtful to be renewed is a demonstration of a greater power which ultimately points to the power that enables us.

I believe healing starts at the cross and at the cross begins the healing. For the path to the cross is the acknowledgement that we need Him and He is able. Any other sense of healing and forgiveness will be felt, but I feel will be shortchanged, b/c Christ is love, and anything else is selling ourselves short of the love that can be experiencing in healing and in life itself.

Condition of my heart....

I've realized how easy it is for my heart to just coast through life. As I assess where I'm at today with Christ, I realize how far my heart is from Him. In His grace, I had the opportunity to be blessed through a song by Casting Crowns - While You Were Sleeping.... In it....I felt the gentle tug of God challenging me once again by His grace to take this life seriously.

I wonder if there's a necessity in my life to continually frame my life with the understanding of Christ. I'll try to elaborate, but basically, I think the thoughts of my life...are the things I have to do that day. I think of the tasks, pretty much my life extends to the point of "my life." In that sense, I've been living day to day with the necessity of knocking out the things the Army requires me to do in a way that seems Christian, but it has no fragrance of Christ in it.

The challenge is reawakening to the thought of the true framework of the life God's given me. I live in a place where the balance of Heaven and Hell shakes as souls are continually be pulled and tugged from one direction to another. I have been lulled asleep by the concerns of my own life that I have failed to realize the necessity to live for something greater today.

My heart beats with a pulse that must remain steadfast in remembering why I am here today... God may you begin to frame my life according to your will, your desires, and your hopes. I must learn to lean on you and help me to remember the truth of this life....may that always take precedence over the things I want.

Grow this heart to be one truly submissive to You...always...