God, are you on my side?

Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

In those quiet moments of desperation where I feel alone and unsure....this question continues to plague my heart...God, are you on my side? There are moments where I feel so sure that He is, but in the moments of my own greatest anxiety, the question continues to pound against me.. I have this mentality of me against the world. It'll leave me alone in this life for sure, and I find it being tested and tested again. My mind continues to run its course through its various thoughts and ideas.....

The question in the uncertainty of life is who am I going to trust? Or am I going to trust? I have worked so hard and done so much to try to prove myself to the rest of this world....

God, I come to you giving you all of me.....I am small and I am weak, but you are great and you are strong....God take this life, all for your glory, fight the fight in my heart and set me free, bring joy in this heart.....

Inpsire this heart to see your dreams for me....

Pain....makes a man...

Isn't there something about suffering that makes up the depth of a man? The real question is, what type of men are we becoming? Through the pain, our response begins to forge the path that decidingly forms the heart of who we're to become.

The first step we take is what we do with the pain...do we confront it or do we run from it. As we run from it, we find ourselves living in our fantasy world not really recognizing the reality of where we live. Due to that fact, we will continue to stunt our own maturity as we are unable to fully confront reality.

However, as we confront the pain, we take a step into manhood. As we take that step into manhood, the question is, what kind of men will we become?

Just because we are growing into men doesn't necessarily mean we're growing into respectable men. Our decisions begin to shape the character of our hearts and so it is in these most opportune situations that we make those choices to grow more in Christ or to grow more of this world.

There are apathetic men, there are ambitious men, there are evil men, there are good men, and the list goes on.

My father is one man that I would love to grow to be. He is a man that speaks straight...no games, no runaround... He is a man of his word, if he says he will do something, he will do something. He is a man of integrity, of trust, of honor, of selflessness, he is a man that God has placed in my life to show me how to be. He treats his wife with love and compassion, he is in so many ways a man of greatness....

I wonder what that cost was? The loss of his father, the experience of the korean war, the immigration to another country right after the civil rights, surviving by himself in a new country that he can barely speak the language, how many times did he hurt?

And so the real question in all of this, is looking at Christ is realizing the pain that He endure only helped to exemplify those Christ like qualities that we all can attest to. His kindness in his suffering, his discipline in the emotional times, and his trust when all circumstances dictated otherwise show an example of how to be.....

And the encouragement comes from realizing that the Holy Spirit is with us to grow us to be like Him. In these moments of toughness, God will form in our hearts a heart of a lion, able to fight, to protect and to lead this generation.

God, lead me in your ways....

We aren't who we were and things aren't the way they were...

Accept the past as what it is...celebrate what needs to be celebrate, grieve what needs to be grieve and accept a new spirit for today

What does it feel like to .....let it go????......

I've realized I have quite the Savior complex. I guess that would be somewhat indicative of the job title that I take on, but I have to realize that I am gainfully employed by the one that is the Savior. I can be like that guy who tries to be the only show in town, but forgets that he is only the opening act to the main event...

And so....this is something I have to let go...the desire to try to save everybody, to think I'm so dutifully important and the life I live is so integral that Christ can't work without it....

....I'm tired...thank you Jesus for my dad and for helping him through the surgery

You are faithful

I fear the loss of someone....

This has probably been one of the more difficult days that I have gone through. I just saw Iron Man with Sam and it was an excellent movie. Most of the time when I watch movies, I look for inspirational quotes or some motiff that can be somewhat related to this life...however I was more entertained than anything.

Driving home, I was confronted with an overwhelming sense of emotions that flooded my heart and my tear ducts. The tears flowed freely as I felt the pain tear through my heart. It was more occassional screams and then followed by silence and tears flowing so freely...it was freeing.

Then talking with Sam on the phone and talking with God, He showed me the deficit that has been plaguing my heart for so long....

While it is so easy to label ourselves, as this or that....what is it that drives the labels that we slap on ourselves? I deal with insecurities, I have trust issues....what does that really mean about me? Why are these such indemic issues of my heart...and why does my heart seem to be so unguarded in these areas?

MY GREATEST FEAR LIES IN THE FEAR OF LOSING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE....

This is why I keep my distance towards others, I don't let them in....not b/c I don't want to, but I fear of losing them if I do. So I live in this tension of desiring intimacy while lacking the freedom of providing it b/c I fear they will leave me or I will lose them somehow, or someway....

THE DEFICIT THAT LIES IN THIS HEART IS THAT I DO NOT TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL STAY WITH ME....that He won't forsake me and He won't leave me....

Help me to know you won't.....God, sustain me with Your love, one that drives out this fear in me...I offer it to you and lift it up to you, mold this heart to be more like yours..

Kobe Bryant.....I can relate....it's all about trust!

"He knew he wasn't going to beat teams by himself," Odom said. "He's so good that it makes sense for him to think that because I've seen him do it before. I've seen him have [62 points] against Dallas, I've seen him get 81 on Toronto and just dismantle a team, but he understood that we had to get better. When he did that, when Kobe starts trusting you, that makes you play even better because when someone that good trusts you and drives you, you can't help but to get better."

I don't know if Lamar Odom could've said it better. I love the last part of what he says. It's the ability of trusting others that elevates the people around you and they can't help but get better because of that trust you have in them.

I look around and wonder how selfish I have looked over these years. I've masked it with my ability to open up enough, but however, there hasn't been that freedom to find my own sense of expression. My own reluctance was caught up with my inability to trust God, others, and in my failures, to trust myself. This lack of trust fragmented the sense of who I am and helped to allow myself to dichotomize my own being.

The haneous result of that is the fact that as I had chopped myself up, I did that to others. It is the lens by which we see ourselves that we ultimately see the rest of this world. However, I think the expression of that is most seen in those that reside the closest to our hearts.

"This is the way of the pharisees. They follow the law impeccably in order to induce God's love. The initiative is theirs...the pharisee must pursue a lifestyle that minimizes mistakes. Then, on Judgment Day, he can present God with a perfect slate and the reluctant Diety will have to accept it. The psychology of the pharisee makes a religion of washing cups and dishes, fasting twice a week, and paying tithes of mint, dill and cumin very attractive."

"This endless moralistic self-evaluation makes it impossible to feel accepted before God. His perception of personal failure leads to a precipitous loss of self-esteem and triggers anxiety, fear, and depression."

"The pharisee within usurps my true self whenever I prefer appearances to reality, whenever I am afraid of God, whenever I surrender the control of my soul to rules rather than risk living in union with Jesus, when I choose to look good and not be good, when I prefer appearances to reality."

Quotes from Brennan Manning's Abba's Child

God, help me to trust you, to learn to live in union with you....God I need you...

The savory desire of trust

An analogy of my heart.....
Doesn't that word savory just wet the palate of your mouth? It helps to best describe where I stand right now....I'm staring at a desert that I've eaten a thousand times that left me with sharp gut wrenching cramps that left me with goose bumps or that savory scent over yonder in the other room. What do I do? The desert is what I know, it sits right in front of me, basically seductively calling my name...come here Jason, oooh yea...I'm so tasty and sweet....

But something is different this time...a quick flash of me sitting on the porcelein god keeps me cautious to the luring attempt of the desert...but then again, it is just a quick flash so my eyes focus on the delicacies in front of me. However, as I begin to pick up my spoon, my mind is invaded again by that thought of that prayer as I'm keeled over the toilet in a cold sweat swearing to God that I will never again eat what I had eaten that night. Ahhh...the temporary pleasure so alluring, but the stark consequences bring more pain than my body can handle.

Again, I catch a wiff of something else. It is as if the scent is beckoning me to come forward. However, all I have is a scent, an uncertainty of what it is I'm smelling, but the smell is captivating. My stomach lurches forward, but my eyes look back at the desert.

My mind races thinking of what that scent could be? Will it be a delicious steak? Who's cooking it? Who's going to be over there?....ahhh the excitement...the anticipation....of perhaps a great party feast!...but then.....

Those freaking insecurities take over and the stupid questions start bombarding my head. Will there be anything left when I get there? Will I be accepted? Will I just be barging in?

My Reflections....
It is that wedding feast Jesus invites us into (Matthew 22) that is the great banquet that He has prepared for us in our lives. Sometimes we act like those that are invited...just going about our business whent the King has invited us to a wedding feast with Jesus. We find our business so much more important, and have forgotten that the king has invited us. Other times in our lives, we find ourselves to be the beggars outside getting invited to something that we don't deserve. Our brokeness and our desire to be hungry is all that matters and the banquet is a place where we can be received as we are.

I wonder what would go on in my head? If I were a beggar or a street person being invited to the King's palace for his son's wedding banquet, how would I react? Would I be paralyzed in my head wondering if I'm even worthy? Or would I sit there thinking too much into it...or maybe the anxiousness or worry of what might happen would grip me at my throat so I couldn't even breathe?

I'm not sure, but I do know that those that came were accepted. v.14 "For many are invited, but few are chosen...."

I am reminded by what Ravi Zacharias said in about 5 sermons I listened to today as I was driving. Jesus redefines our perspective on what living is. It contradicts our notions and juxtaposes our actions in light of the new perspective Christ provides.

The Fight...

2 Chronicles 7:14 "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Military Ball
It was a refreshing experience....and a surreal one. It felt like I was in a movie...all the people decked out in their military dress. I felt proud to be in the Army and as people came up and spoke, there was a deep satisfaction of being part of the institution that fights for the freedom of our country and to be in a room filled with people that have made that lifetime commitment in doing so. The sacrifices made, lives lost, families suffering....There are times when I see things that occur at my command and the recognition given to those that have made such great contributions and I wish that it existed at church as well. There's a sense that we're all in it together an that we support one another when push comes to shove.

Talk with PD
I'm at a very precarious place. I'm not just hurt and confused, but I'm beginning to assess my own situation and seeing the path its heading towards. Most of the time, I just go on my way guided by what's going on without taking an assessment of where I'm at and making necessary adjustments to ensure that the path I walk is towards Christ. As you brothers know, I think constantly and consistently....my mind races faster and it helps me to see things, but I also believe that it is my achilies heel in the way I begin to conjure up false assumptions of things that I cannot claim to be true. Often, my anxiety arises as I project a certain situation to arise...and in it, I trust my own ability to predict instead of trusting God and letting him lead. This kind of behavior leads me to make pre-emptive strikes to protect my heart against any harm and the sharper I've gotten at this, the less I've learned to trust others as I try to read them. Its actually pretty messed up. Its a great gift for counseling as you can begin to open other people's eyes into seeing the numerous benefits and consequences of making certain choices, but a hinderance as you become a self-fulfilling prophecy of your own life as your constitent predictions become the reality, because there is no room for God to operate and you effectively install yourself as God and destine your life to either the fears that rule you or the insecurities that keep you from really seeing anything but yourself....

But I digress...2 huge warnings...
1. My ability to separate my heart from myself. I guess its the idea of false-self vs. the beloved, but the fact is they both make up who I am. It is in the learning to live as the beloved does the false-self begin to fade, but at the same time, the false-self must be acknowledged or living in ignorance will provide him the ability to ambush you.
2. OBJECTIFYING...I don't see people as people...I only see them in light of me....I dunno...this one I need to dig deeper in.....