I remember one time I got mad b/c my mom told me to lock the car door after I shut it and so I locked it and then slammed it on my finger.... the moments as my mom let out a blood-curdling scream and ran to the car to unlock it were the moments where I knew when I saw it, the pain would be amplified by every push of my heart beating..... but there was a moment where I felt no pain, the blood seem to go out of my head and my world started spinning off a different axis...
I remember this quote I thought of...."Physical pain may hurt for a moment, but emotional pain scars for a lifetime..." and this thought led to another quote from a movie, "Wounds are the roadmap to a person's heart."
So as I share this, what am I to think of all this? The hurts and pain we feel, the numbness we desire when we are going through the midst of it and what do we do with all of it?
"I have come to believe that emotions are among the most logical and dependable things in our lives."
"I have come to believe that emotions give us a window to see truth like nothing else."
"I have come to believe that the true health of our spiritual lives is measured by how we feel."
I believe certain struggles come in our lives to break us from the walls that keep us from feeling the depths of emotions that God desires of us and our hearts. So much of the struggles of our lives force us to build walls within us so we don't have to deal with the reality of the pain, or perhaps the walls are there so all we can do is deal with the pain. I think the hardest part of going through struggles is that it requires us to trust God b/c the struggle is always greater than what we can handle on our own. So the temptation is to "deal" with it on our own by creating walls to manage the pain, while what God desires is to take the brokenness of our souls and to knit it in a way that redeems our brokenness.
The freedom to begin to feel comes to our ability to feel secure. It is here where I found that I had to take steps of faith to believe that God can be counted on. I always knew it intellectually, but I never took the step of faith required to actually live out in His love and in His trust. This summer demanded that I made a decision to either do so or not, and I am so thankful that I did. As God continues to overwhelm me with His love, I have come to agreement with the quote, that our relationship with God is correlated with our ability to feel our heart which is one of the most precious gifts He's given us.
When I am doing spiritually well, the smallest things trigger an overflow of emotion and expression that used to make me wonder about my manhood until I came to terms that who I am is who I am!!!
I guess I end with things song...because it reminds me of those difficult days of bottling in everything. This season is a time to take all that I've held to the cross and to give to Christ freely what He chose to die for.
Building 429 - No One Else Knows
My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again
I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again
I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands
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