Our debts have been paid...

Do you know that feeling where you feel like you've been had...  Its like everytime you see that person, you know they owe you something and they know it too.  They always seem to not be where they should be and avoiding you and inside you feel this monster come to life.  All of a sudden someone you hadn't thought much about becomes your consuming thought, and its incredible how your heart turns so ugly so quickly.  Or maybe that person you use to think about so highly all of a sudden drops to your negative list where all you can see is their flaws...whether its how they chew their food, their random idiosyncracies...whatever it might be...

Its like a nagging feeling that you can't get rid of, but you know you should...and the more you feel like you should get over it, the more than monster just feeds and grows inside of you...

Why do we have that feeling?  I believe that much of life is not waiting on others to act according to our parameters to make us feel better, but learning to have perspective that is beyond this world so that we may learn to understand what is going on this world.

I wonder if our anxiety stems from our own necessity to feel like we have to pay back debts that we owe.  You know what its like....we see in classicly portrayed in the movies, where that one character has run into gambling debt and tries to cash in on all his friends to pay that big debt and is rushing frantically around b/c he doesn't want to lose an appendiage.

I think that's me spiritually.  I allow other people's actions to be colored in a way where I feel like I'm owed something.  The more I try to let it go, the more I get consumed by it and I find the only way to get pass it for me is to learn to find debt forgiveness by the one who has already paid it for me.

My anxiety and bitterness grows as I grow apart from God b/c I forget that my debt has been paid so I'm looking for others to cash in on.  However, as I approach Christ, I have to confront the ugliness of my own debt and the costly price by which it was bought for....Sometimes I want to scream, God NO!!!!!!  I don't want you to, You don't deserve it!!!  I have to learn, I have to pay it, I have to bear the punishment......

Then the sweetness of His voice always captures me...He says, "Son, you will never be able to pay back a debt so great, and you will only learn once you learn to accept my grace...."  Slowly, I hand over my debts again that I desparately try to hide from God....feeling so ashamed with the tears slowly rolling over my cheek, my lips quiver...and I can't help but to feel so worthless.... and once again His voice speaks, "Son, you are my child, you are forgiven and free....always remember to live that way so others can be reminded of the privledge to be called a child of God....You don't have to pay me back, but live out who you are...."

And so I look back into the face of my Savior, and the guilt turns into joy, the pain turns into inspiration, and I am back again...God, you never fail, you're always the same, you are amazing God!

Rush of Fools - Freedom Begins Here

You think you're all alone

When everybody knows

We all have the scars inside

That tear us apart after night

Is this where you are?

Step out to the light 

Come outside

Step out to the day

It'll be okay

We're all the same, don't be afraid

Let your freedom begin

Let your freedom begin here

Goodbye

Gone are the days

We buy the lie.

But we're not right, we're not right 

Is this where you are?

All the secrets we keep 

Are making us

Who we don't wanna be

It's killing us

Like we're drowning in a sea

Just coming up

We're just coming up for air

Tell me are you there?