I don't know if too many episodes of house is drawing up this random thoughts...but just had to lay some things out on the table. I wonder about this crazy thing called "relationships." Over the years, I've felt the pain of loss and rejection while also feeling the joy that relationships bring. How is it that one is to grieve the losses? How do we deal with these pains? What are we to do with the emotions and residual left over in our hearts... Somewhere the cup that we contained all of this spills....or an incident causes it to shake so a little bit spills out.... But all the while we're still holding that cup of crazy emotions, of messed up feelings...and we are so desparately trying to push down the lid and tell the world that everything is ok....that I am ok...
But am I? Am I really ok? I wonder if our desire to be opaque to the rest of the world is exactly what is killing us from really being transparent to ourselves. As House says, "Everybody lies..." and sometimes it is the lies to ourselves that are damaging our souls the most. Perhaps we are way too concerned about what everybody else thinks about us that we can't have clarity on how we think of ourselves. We drive forward, like a soldier marching continuously, step by step...being hypnotized by the cadence, and we never stop to think why we're marching but all we know is that life must move forward so we do.
So the real question is how do we progress? How do we move on? What does it really mean to move on? What do these flashing moments indicate about our hearts, our lives?
I think sometimes that remind us that we're human....that we have souls, that we have pain, and that ultimately we're always in need of a Savior. I remember a character in a movie saying, "Scars are the roadmap to a person's soul..." I wonder if our response to those scars in our lives determine the destination of our soul?
I suppose my latest episode reveals much about me and where my relationship with God is. Lately, I have found this uncertainty residing in me.... so much of life I live with a certainty and I pursue with a precision passion, but as I find myself distant from God, I find my own sense of self a bit erratic and unsure...... not really on solid ground. Not to say that things are horrible, but just distant...
Its funny b/c when you share that, people are always quick to jump on the bandwagon of solutions....perhaps that is why I selfishly like journaling, b/c there isn't anyone to interrupt your thought process, but just a blank template by which you can paint what is going on in your soul.
Maturity is growing in understanding of one self and coming to accept it....or at least that's how I would like to define it. Anyways....enough random thoughts for the night.....perhaps some more coherent solution tomorrow...but yea...its like the guy on PBS who looks like he's smoked way too many joints and needs a comb to tame his hair or at least tease it....but he starts painting what is suppose to be a beautiful landscape, but ends up being just a blob of colors.... that is where this painting is tonight...hopefully by the turn of the new year, it shall look like something...*crossing fingers*
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