Chapter 3 - The Beloved....
"When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less sersiously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and that my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy. Conscientiously "wasting" time with God enables me to speak and act from greater strength, to forgive rather than nurse the latest bruise to my wounded ego, to be capable of magnanimity during the petty moments of life. It empowers me to lose myself, at least temporarily, against a greater brakground than the tableau of my fears and insecurities, to merely be still and know that God is God."
-Brennan Manning-
"Finally, I accepted my brokenness....I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what i should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again ---or at least to get to the place where I was very seldom broken.....I came to see that it was in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness tha Jesus was made setrong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. IT was in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness. It was my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing, not dominating; understanding, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.
-Henri Nouwen-
Its funny how some old truths become new truths once again. Some things in life you felt like you finally began to understand and yet they seem to slip right between your fingers over time. I look back upon the past year filled with great hurt and disappointment and great encouragement and victory. It seems coupled with the hard times are moments of "God" moments that flash as a reminding encouragement that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
There's this story of a man that goes to a monk out in the desert and feels that he's lost himself in his life. The monk quietly listens to the story and then brings out a jar of water. As he's bringing out the jar, the water is sloshing back and forth being disturbed. The monk sets it down in front of the man and the monk tells the man to look at the water. In it the man sees distortions of himself with no clarity as the water continues to crash against the sides. The water finally settles and the man sees his own reflection undistorted.
The monk continues to say that often times our busy lives creates the waves in the water. It provides a choppy reflection of who we are in the midst of trying to live for others. As we slowly allow our lives to settle, we finally get to see the truth of who we are, undistorted.
It is in this moment I've spent a good while staring at....only to find a great sense of disappointment overwhelm me. There's the imposter I dream of being...the one I carry out in society, the person that I want everybody to like and respect...the guy full of wisdom, confident, and passionate. But during this break as I've allowed to the water to settle, I am finally getting to see again a man that is left grasping at his own dellusions of what he desires to be. There would be a moment where this self-reflection would cause me to work harder at the fascade, must do more so I can be more....but as I understood grace, it is in these moments where I accept the man I am today and to surrender it all to Christ. For what He desires is what I want my heart to desire, and where He leads, I want to follow....
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