This has probably been one of the more difficult days that I have gone through. I just saw Iron Man with Sam and it was an excellent movie. Most of the time when I watch movies, I look for inspirational quotes or some motiff that can be somewhat related to this life...however I was more entertained than anything.
Driving home, I was confronted with an overwhelming sense of emotions that flooded my heart and my tear ducts. The tears flowed freely as I felt the pain tear through my heart. It was more occassional screams and then followed by silence and tears flowing so freely...it was freeing.
Then talking with Sam on the phone and talking with God, He showed me the deficit that has been plaguing my heart for so long....
While it is so easy to label ourselves, as this or that....what is it that drives the labels that we slap on ourselves? I deal with insecurities, I have trust issues....what does that really mean about me? Why are these such indemic issues of my heart...and why does my heart seem to be so unguarded in these areas?
MY GREATEST FEAR LIES IN THE FEAR OF LOSING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE....
This is why I keep my distance towards others, I don't let them in....not b/c I don't want to, but I fear of losing them if I do. So I live in this tension of desiring intimacy while lacking the freedom of providing it b/c I fear they will leave me or I will lose them somehow, or someway....
THE DEFICIT THAT LIES IN THIS HEART IS THAT I DO NOT TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL STAY WITH ME....that He won't forsake me and He won't leave me....
Help me to know you won't.....God, sustain me with Your love, one that drives out this fear in me...I offer it to you and lift it up to you, mold this heart to be more like yours..
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