December Radio - Drifter

I used to have a home
a place i started from a place to call my own
bright lights and late nights the devil took me on a midnight ride
left me out in the desert on my own

Now I feel alone i need a hand to help me find my way back home

I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
trying to find my way back home to get to you, oh to get to you
lord i've been gone for far too long headed to places i don't belong
and i've got to get back home to you

sometimes i think about the past
the road that i was onthe one that lead me home
i'll walk on another day
i may wonder but i never stray
cause i found out the hard way sin don't pay

Now I feel alone i need a hand to help me find my way back home

I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
trying to find my way back home to get to you, oh to get to you
lord i've been gone for far too long headed to places i don't belong
and i've got to get back home to you

And when i feel the night is closing in
and i can barely breathe the air
i just remember that i've got a friend
who really cares oh who really cares

I'm sitting here in Washington DC taking some time to reflect on myself and the past year. Its been one of the most challenging years I've gone through. I'm not quite sure how to start, but I know that I've been pushed, prodded, and broken more times that I would ever care to in a year. Most of the struggles I face are ones internally that express themselves externally.

I'm struggling with trust. It is one of those things that I hate to admit, but it is a sin that has damaged so much of the work that God has been trying to do. I sit sometimes with my hands buried in my face wondering what it is that pokes at the deepest parts of my heart...the insecurities that flare up like a rage.. I am broken before God, before my friends, and before those I minister to. Its the irony that God has shown His faithfulness in so many ways, yet my heart desires control....and in the end that control burns me out. I can't control things that are not in my control, but yet I push my own energies to try to take control of those things. I do not do it concisouly with some sort of devious plan, but it is in the desparateness of my fear that I see my heart clinging to some semblence of stability in which I can provide through my own means.

The damage has been great for myself and my psychie. I have found myself trusting only myself and pushing those closest to me away, especially in times that I do need community. I cannot fully take on a position of ministry with the confidence God has called me to, b/c I cannot trust that in my own insecurities, God would call a man like me. Its the irony that God calls a man filled with insecurities, wondering what God could possibly do through me into a position that requires a strong sense of self and a confidence that can overcome the criticism that the calling often comes with.

God, call me back into your arms and help me find my place with you once again. I have drifted off and tried to seek myself in so many other things than you. God I pray that your truth will resonate within my heart so that my heart would find its rest in you. Help me to trust you, to know you, and to love you more.....God....help me...