Today was one of the hardest days to keep my heart open. I guess it was a day filled a lot...work, medical appointments, took a nap in the seminary parking lot...
I got asked to be a model for Abercrombie...probably something pretty low key, but it got me to thinking how such an affirmation made me feel so confident. I'm wondering why I don't feel that same confidence in God's affirmation of me. Do I really sense it? I'm not quite sure....or am I allowing less substitutes to fill the void that God needs to fill? I don't know....
Well, I'm off to San Antonio to take some time to think, reflect, and recenter my heart with God. This personal retreat I am really excited about!
I was in the hot-tub at lifetime and right before me God spoke to me so gently. There was this asian kid of about 6 years old surrounded by the arms of his father. As I watched them interact, I could see the child trust his dad so much and his dad letting go so the boy could swim on his own. Here I could see their interaction and how their eyes were so focused on one another. In the child's eyes, I saw an innocent joy of affirmation and a twinge of fear as he was put away from the father's embrace. Then in the father, I could see the pride in his face and the love in his eyes literally flowing with more love. There was a certainty to the father that the child could pretty much make his own and there in that place was this powerful encounter of God's desire for my heart.
I see that our lives are like learning how to swim. It is not always having to be in the father's embrace, but as we grow we are allowed past our own safety nets into areas that challenge us to grow more than before. But the father is always so loving and brings us back into His arms to remind our wandering hearts of His love and then casts us out again so that we can grow a bit more...
I wonder if that is why we experience those roller coasters in life. It is that perspective of not fully understanding the truth of life that makes us feel the sensation of a roller coaster, but in the illustration God provided for me today, it is teaching me how to "live" life so that as I grow in strength and skill, God will provide me that opportunity to teach others and to share in "life."
On the flip side, it has been difficult for my heart to stay open. I don't want to trust....I'm scared of getting hurt. God help me to trust in your plan and provision for my life.
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