My hope was to reflect on Chapter 2 of Brennan Manning's Abba's Child, but I guess I will save that for tomorrow. Its already getting late and there have been heart battles occuring with a great frequency today.
Relient K - The Truth
And I've collected all these thoughts
And I'm dying just to lose them
And if your words are true or not
I'll die trying to prove them
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me to do is to trust you
Convince me
Because I really need your help
Oh Convince me
Because I can't see this for myself
I'll put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
This is so unnerving
I know you've never lied to me before
But the things you're telling me
I can't yet believe
Yet can't ignore
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me is to trust you
It's a world full of cynics
Who say to stay alive in it
You gotta stick with what you know
But the soul is always aching
For the heart to start taking
A chance by letting go
So let go, let go
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Attempt to place our lives into your hands
Confide in what you'll do
Cause sometimes when you're trying to sleep
And all your doubts and your faith don't agree its cause
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Its been a day of fighting against the thoughts of my head that affect my heart. Its the saying that wounded people wound people, and I find how this thought can become reality as the heart begins to fester in its selfishness and allows to skew the mind. I've been battling this feeling of self-pity...this desire to wonder if anyone can really understand how I was hurt. There's an injustice rising up in me and the attacks are against the one that hurt me. Where there was once hope, I see the lens that has crept up is a jaded lens trying to find a skewed perspective to justify the negative feelings in my heart. Oh, how the emotions become the director of the train by which the mind keeps chugging along. How do we come to this roller-coaster of a mental ride? With its twists and turns, the unexpected plots, the sinking feeling in the stomach, all occuring within a 2 min span....only to leave you not thrilled, but waiting just to puke b/c of the anxiousness of which the mind has caused the body.
That is how I felt all day....however, today was a bit different than the other days. Most of the time, I would submit to these emotions...this emotions would be the very prison bars by which I would erect with my own hands. These bars that keep encaged in bitterness and distrust. My heart would plant its roots in a cage so that I would be protected from an outside world that continues to feed this idea that it isn't perfect....it won't be on this side of heaven...and so the conclusion is reclusion....but I've seen where that takes me. I don't want to be that person anymore....three failed relationships...the heart breaks, the emotions, the regret, and so those choices come with a price often more than I have so casually in my jean pocket. It leaves me in debt emotionally and later, I try to forget the unwise purchase only to have debt collectors running after me, and so the emotions I never learned to deal with heathily come back to haunt with such veraciousty as if the interest continued to compound upon the debt of emotions I left behind....to be continued....
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