I started my class in pre-marital and marital counseling and I started reading this book by Cloud and Townsend about boundaries in marriage. Much of it is about the way you as a person can be empowered in making choices in attitude, perspective, and action that help to change the situation you're in. What really got to me were some of the examples that were mentioned and I hate to admit it, so much of it had to deal with my issues. Not only that, but the issues that were given as examples were those that come from the opposite gender. ha ha ha..so I sat there refusing to have my manhood taken from me by two so called experts, but all joking aside, I am man enough to admit myself to be on the more sensitive side.
However, as I was reading, I've realized how much I've kept inside. I don't talk about my feelings and I just kind of deal with everything around me. Its a pandora box of sorts as I've tried to learn how to do such things. Its interesting, b/c I'm learning more about myself and realizing that some parts of me not being able to open up completely is due to how I've learn to deal with issues, partly b/c I grew up as an only child, and my issues of trusting others. So this kind of way of dealing with things actually creates a facade that keeps others out without giving people the freedom to really love you or even for myself to feel that I can be vunerable. Some marriages become lost as one person does not reveal much and the other person finds the lack of intimacy destructive through their relationship.
I'm taking these steps to try to share and be more open about the things that are going on. It is a mental battle, but one I'm learning to fight....oh so awkwardly now. It has revealed a self-centeredness that I hate to admit when I allow my feelings to be expressed, but it is something I must acknowledge, accept, and confront. I also was driving today and found an anger inside of me as I felt others inpinging on my right as a driver. I actually highbeamed one fella and we got to the stoplight. The anger was boiling and he rolls down the window and starts saying stuff. I sit there laughing to myself b/c I can't believe I'm in this situation, but something else takes over me. I rolled down my window and tell him I couldn't hear what he said. He starts saying that he's not scared of me (....note...don't ever say something like that b/c it only reveals that you are...) but I just shrugged and said ok and then rolled up my window. He drove away and I sat there thinking, my goodness...never in my life have I ever gotten that far.....
Well....much more to write, but must sleep! I hope to be more consistent!
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